Dear zorweb,
While you are in Orlando, could you take a copy of the questionnaires with you and suggest a MB luncheon or dinner date? Maybe ask STL which ENs he wants to cover and you cover the most important ones of yours.<p>I too have to gently remind my H that I need squeezes every day. When he starts slipping away, I initiate most of the hugs until I say something.<p>I think you cannot make a person be something that they are not--naturally. Coincidentally, he does not phone me during the day and I have gotten used to letting him focus on his work. If I tried to force that issue, I would be one frustrated lady! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My husband is a beaver (worker) and when he is in his work mode, he is soooo focused. I respect that about his personality and I give him grace.<p>I was doing some volunteer work at church yesterday and told him that I would come home and make him a nice breakfast. Wellll, I got "all caught up in what I was doing" and didn't make it home until noon. You should have seen the shoe on the other foot for a change.<p>I was cracking up! (INSIDE, not outside!!!) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] He was totally crazy like I would be if he were late and no phone call, ESP. after going all day with no phone call. Incidentally, I was not aware that Harley thinks it's unreasonable to go 8 hours without contact... interesting!<p>Anyways, my point is that it IS nice to see them feel what we feel more often than not...<p>How do I handle it? I vent in prayer. I tell God about my anger and ask Him to help me deal with the anger and hurt so I can face my H without love busting.<p>Oh, he made his own breakfast and after he ate, he was ready to hear my explanation of why I was late. The funny thing is "something told me" (GOD!) to call him when I knew I would be later than expected but I didn't listen to the inner voice! TROUBLE!<p>God tries to help us but we cannot be helped if we choose to ignore that still, small voice within! Enjoy a safe trip, zorweb. We'll miss ya!

Zor,<p>Check the weather in Orlando..there is
a hurricane out in the waters..so if rain
is in the forecast..you may find more time
locked inside.<p>Maybe talk to STL about setting up a
time every night that you can IM each
other..or even call, then IM for a bit
before bed??

Hi from Orlando,<p>Just wanted to check in quickly. Thanks for all of the good input. You have all helped me get to a much better place about all this.<p>Got to go so cannot respond at length right now..... it's time to have fun!!!!<p>Z

zor,<p>It is inherent in the nature - they woo you, can't keep their hands off you, until you've been married for awhile. Then calling, etc. are not important. They're busy (at work). You're busy at work too, but you can think about them. And wish for attention. Just a thought. aftershock [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

after shock,<p>And isn't that what MB is about? About making sure that a couple does not take each other for granted? That both husband and wife give the other what they need? This is what keeps a relationship passionate and vibrant. Yet some many people, even when they know what it takes, are just not willing to do the work. The they become devistated when their spouse has an affair or leaves them. It makes no sense. But like you said it is human nature. <p>When one is ignored, it is human nature to seek out companionship elsewhere. <p>Hence the mess so many marriages find themselves in. MB is so clear, and I believe correct, on what is needed to maintain a good marriage.<p>Oh well,<p>Back to my vacation,<p>Z

Z,<p> It is good to see that you are enjoying Orlando. I hope that the week is both rewarding and fufilling to both you and STL. You both sounded like you could use the break from the outside world.<p>Indy<p>[ November 07, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</p>

Zor,
I've really been trying to figure this out - and I am just as confused as anyone else. I just can't figure out how and why we fall so madly in love, and then we are turning to the relationship books, and boo hooing because something is broke.<p>But . . . it is not broken in some people's relationships and lives.<p>I just think it is so weird - and rude - that an H cannot pickup a phone for 2 secs to call and say something neat to their wife during the day - yet - they can can let themselves wander to wind up calling the OW over and over - because they are so obsessed with being with/talking, etc. . . . . . . . . with this magical person. Well, why as the W aren't we the magical one in their life? Why do we then after the fact have to deal with the pain when we find out that our H was making long distance calls, e-mailing, using IM, sending roses, going to a phone booth to call long distance, and buying cards to send, sitting down and writing sticker's to put on love cards so they have them handy, and going to the post office to specifically buy stamps for those love cards to keep all this stuff in their briefcase. And God only knows what else - <p>What was broke? Why can't they come and be honest? Why does it happen? Why do we deal with the pain? Where are they - they were once there - but now they're not.<p>The EN's that aren't met - okay I'm guilty as charged - mine is keeping stuff neat because I find it hard to get rid of stuff - some are worse, some are better, but it's me. So his has developed into non SF. He holds me in bed, but I don't feel like it's passion, like "he" needs to hold me in close like he did once so many moons ago. We've only done it 3 times in about 19 months now. The last two times - gosh I remember when we first got together 15 years ago, how he would hold off, now he doesn't try not to go. Entire screw if it's a minute and a half - two times in the past six weeks. <p>I just don't understand it. A couple of weeks ago I told him I was trying to figure out how to get out of here. I made excellent money during the first 5 yrs of our marriage. I have no degree, and I have 2 children now, and I haven't worked a full time job in almost 11 years now. And now my H can't and doesn't scoop me up in his arms and hold me like he use to. And the SF issue. . . <p>Well, compared to some of the stories out there - mine isn't that bad - but on a scale of pain - I think anybody who has been through an infidelity has been through the same pain, and shouldn't have gone through it.<p>Well, have fun on vacation - it's good that you could enjoy a trip. And hopefully it doesn't rain too much on you. aftershock

after shock,<p>I can feel your frustration. And without your H willingly working on your relationship you know it will be hard to turn things around. <p>Are you Plan A'ing him to death? I think it was Twyla who had a wonderful thread in Recovery where she said that she quit asking her H for things and just plan a'd him like crazy. And after a few months of that the passion returned to him full force. It was very eye opening.<p>So maybe that is the answer for you as well as for me.<p>Actually, things are very good between STL and I. We have been through a terrible year. D-day was in March. Then in July some sever problems come to light with his children. So we have been in lala land handling those. I know that for me I have focused on the kids. Showing them a very strong face, then falling apart when they are not around. But things are under control now with the kids. One is in a residential treatment center and the other is getting the help she needs as an out patient. So now it is time to focus on US.<p>I am now struggling to get things back on track. The mere fact that STL and I have gotten through this crisis as well as we have speaks quite well for our relationship. I have however learned that it is dangerous to take anything for granted in a marriage. It is important to be proactive BEFORE things reach the point of no return. That is what I am trying to do here. <p>This vacation has been wonderful for us. It is a working vacation for him. So while he is at the seminar, I have been sleeping in and pampering my self, going for walks etc. Then we have spent some very good time together. We have also been discussing much of what I brought up here. Thanks to you, and the others who responded to me my heads been in a good place. <p>Guess I used this place to dump and whine. (thanks for putting up with me.) Now the marriage building is going great.<p>Of course, our children, who we left behind on this trip are trying to make us feel very guilty... they can work anything for their benefit cannot they? lol [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Z

zor . . . . . . . <p>Personally, I don't think you are whining. You are just feeling a bit down, something got to you and you needed to vent - that's okay. <p>You've done so much for so many, please don't ever think you are whining. We all go through cycles. Both you and SNL have been through alot, and you both speak for each other, I've seen you hold together. Just remember take it one day at a time, and enjoy what you have with him and forgive him for the past. I am sure he shows remorse for what is in the past.<p>Both of you really care about each other, and I say in the grand scheme of life, life isn't complete . . . My prayers are for both of you. aftershock

after shock,<p>You are right. All in all we are doing very well. Just have this thing stuck in my craw. But I am working it out here and am feeling very much better with all input.<p>It is one day at a time. And I do forgive him. I believe that he is well beyond that state of mind that led to his affairs. <p>Z