While we're having dinner with D, H asks to have one day a week as family dinner days. We can either cook or go out to a restaurant. It hurts so much now. How do I do this? Should I do this?

Well it seems to me HE is the one breaking up your family so why should you continue to be part of one if he is just 'talking the talk' but wont 'walk the walk.' If it were me I would tell H that its too confusing to the kids to 'play house' as one big happy family- and that if he wants to be on his own then no more family dinners. lifeismessy

Terrified,
Its perfect. You are in plan a and he is asking to see you! He misses your family!I thought it was all over and he didnt want to see you any more.Wrong. Now what you need to do is make those times together good plan a times , no LB. Casual, no relationship talk... be friends. No pressure.<p>Keep working on being strong and doing things without him so you have lots to talk about and he sees you living a life without him.<p>Lora

Thanks LIM and L, Interesting...I'm hearing two different responses which is how my mind is right now. <p>I'm not sure which is the better road to take?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>While we're having dinner with D, H asks to have one day a week as family dinner days. We can either cook or go out to a restaurant. It hurts so much now. How do I do this? Should I do this?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I did. The more time spent together, the better IMO. Sometimes I cooked (he missed my cooking), sometimes we went out. I went out of my way to keep things lighthearted and upbeat so he had fun while we were together.

Do it, Terrified!!!!<p>It's perfect for your Plan A. Do what both Lora and Fairydust said. You have to be strong in order to do this. You have it in you. <p>Just unbloody believable, your H cracks me up (in a non-funny way). I thought it was OVER!?!?!?!<p>Love,
Jo

If you're in plan A - do it!<p>Remind him of all the good stuff he's mixing - what he gave up. OW can't offer him that.<p>It will hurt you at the end of the evening or whenever he leaves for her again, but it will hurt him too and he will feel the true emptiness inside of the 'love' she offers him.<p>I'm in plan B now. Won't have any full family nights for a while I'm afraid. But the ones we shared over the past few months stand out so much in my memory - In my H's also.<p>We usually shared these on Sunday evenings - watching Malcolm in the Middle became part of it.<p>H told me last week, when he saw a commercial for Malcom in the Middle (at OW's place no less) how much he missed our family nights.<p>so do I.

Terri,
Do you have that book yet?
You are seeing what others have said might happen when you let the tiger out of the cage, they don't feel that need to break away & all of a sudden things start to look a little different! (Dobson's book!)<p>I'm no expert here, that's why I keep urging you to get the book!!<p>I don't want to confuse the issue & everyones situation is a little different & what works for some may not apply in your situation, but I vote for keeping the H at arms length for a while -- let him dangle; let him feel some pain of not having the family time!! Let him have visitations & don't run him down in front of D and all, but you have an opportunity to have him feel what it would be like in event of "D" w/o legal entanglements, but I vote for bringing him to a point where he has to decide. To have this family dinner thing to me at least, is a version of having his cake & eating it too. <p>IMHO, you can be very friendly, nice and all the plan A stuff w/o including the family dinner thing --- he is making choices, let him live with his apparent choices of breaking up the family nit for a while.
I think you are doing great & you have to do what you feel is right in your heart. I really think the Dobson book can give you some extremely valuable insights on how to best handle this situation, right now!! Remember, these are strategies to win him back and at the same time maintain your dignity & sense of self worth and not be a doormat. From where I sit, it seems he has a little of the best from both worlds -- his free time to converse with OW, then also this fun family time -- something just doesn't seem right to me with this? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] He should already know what he is missing with the family dinners --I say let him feel some pain & consequences from his actions -- he is deciding to break up the family, (or he thinks he may want that -- he's not really sure!) so what is the big deal for him to preserve this special time?! He can take or cook for his D, but you don't have to be a part of that. Let him feel what it is like to not have you there with D & him.<p>You can pick & choose your ways of doing the plan A thing. IMHO, doing the congenial Family thing is way weird; ignoring some reality checks; shouldn'tt there be a time for grieving & particularly when he is not saying he wants to rebuild and get into recovery. Has he not spoken or acted with some remorse? I believe there are some natural grieving things that have to happen & I think it is very healthy to not pretend nothing happened & act as if there is still this one big happy family. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
I do understand correctly that he has been staying in apartment since OCT 1? This sounds more like Plan B stuff, except I guess he is one that intiated his own moving out -- perhaps his wanting this family night thing is opportunity for you to offer counter ideas --What would you think about you writing him a plan B letter. Perhaps you being pro-active will allow him another opportunity to re-think his position even more -- you seemed to have gained some momentum, I say advance your cause even more, but on your terms, not his!
Hope I did not over do my point. This is tuff stuff!!
I think it is important you appear self assured & to not openely hold hostilities towards your H, especially infront of your D. But also, you have a right to feel hurt & abused in a sense, to try & pretend to have these fun family nights seems too artificial to me; at least from my perspective, as to what has transpired up to this point. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Just my 2 Cents Worth! I'm just a causal observer here and I'm not wearing your shoes or on the firing line with you.<p>My Prayers are with you & your D!
HH<p>[ November 05, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

Teriffied,<p>I'm going to have to be another lone dissenter and agree with HH and those who are encouraging more of a plan B approach. As far as I'm concerned, once the WS moves out of the family home, all bets are off.<p>I tell you this gently, so you won't make the same mistakes that I initially did. I did what you did ... took what I could get. H would take me to dinner and come over to the house. Sometimes he'd stay the night, other times he was over at OW's or a friend's house. It wasn't until I wrote my Plan B letter and enforced it that it sunk in with him that there were no more free rides. That he couldn't just take from the marriage what and when he wanted. At least when he was living in the family home and contributing toward the necessary bills, we were still living as a married couple, and there was still hope. <p>The worst thing, IMHO, is to live a pseudo plan A and psuedo plan B, which sounds like what's going on. How will you feel about this three or six months or a year down the line? Will you perceive yourself as Plan A'ing, or will you perceive yourself as grasping at straws? How does it feel to you now? If you're doing these things with your H and you feel any sense of desperation, it is not healthy for your or your D, and you should be in Plan B.<p>blessings,<p>belld