Married 24 yrs, 3 kids, 1 grandson. He left 2 years ago for internet affair, was back home in 3 months. Has now left again 5 weeks ago, got an apt of his own. H says all the typical things.."I don't love you anymore, haven't for years, love you like a sister, etc etc " But still makes love to me when we are alone. Says he is not coming home again.. has his mind set that he is staying out this time. Still has the internet addiction.
He now wants me to sign papers for his vasectomy. I have mixed feelings about this. Is this so he can go after anyone he wants now or the responsible thing to do ?
He also says he will not come home for Christmas... will bring presents over the day before but does not want to be there Christmas day. Is he scared of those feelings of missing the family ? He should be there...
Why does he make love to me if he doesn't care ?
Says he wants to be friends.. how can you be friends after a lifetime of love. How can I convince him that it is not worth throwing away.
I have tried to give him the time and space he wants but I am very afraid. I want him home again. He knows how I feel, but is very stubborn about all of this.
I have been loving and patient for 3+ years.. is it almost over ? Is this the last withdrawl before recovery ? Can I remain hopeful that its almost over ?

I am very sorry you are here. Please get the book "Love must be tough" by James Dobson.
Also read all you can at this site about Plan B. It sounds like you have been doing Plan A for 3 years but read up on it to be sure.<p>Please don't worry or even discuss Christmas with him now - it is too far away. The more you talk about it will probably only push him away. <p>In my opinion he makes love to you because he can - because you allow him too. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Yes, he cares - he cares about himself - he is selfish. It is very hard for me to respond without really letting him have it! Please read what material and book I recommended above. another good one is "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Claude and John Townsend. <p>Keep posting - you will find people who care here.

I have to agree with notheard. He is selfish and is only thinking about himself. I feel it is time to go to Plan B with him. This might jolt him in the the realworld.<p>Stay strong

Thank you
I have huge panic attacks some days. Am having a little pity party all of my very own today. I want him home so badly. But his attitude has become more and more adamant that he won't come home. Says he has been out twice now and won't ever come back. We have such a good marriage.. I know it sounds silly but we do. Ok, theres the computer issue... which is huge. But we have always laughed and loved together. He built our house for us. We just bought a lovely new trailer. Its just so sad. I have told him that I love him and miss him and will not give up on him or our marriage. I think you are trying to tell me to take a hard line here and cut off contact completely. Make him miss me. I am afraid that he is waiting for me to do that so he does not have to deal with me anymore. I think no contact is what he wants. I really just want him to miss me and to hurt as much as i am. I feel so lost some days. How can he walk away from all that we have and have meant to each other. How I can feel soooo bad and he is sooo happy. He has a tiny apt with no tv or any form of entertainment other than the computer. How can he not be bored to death with just that to occupy himself. He has turned away all his friends, so no one really calls him. It just has to be lonely. How can it not be ? How can he tell me he is so happy when I think about what he is really doing...........
nothing makes sense anymore.

Juice248,
I hear your pain. I have been there. I am not trying to tell you what to do. I am trying to tell you to educate yourself so you can make the best decision on your unique individual marriage situation. <p>There is a HUGE possibility he is having another internet affair, an emotional affair which may lead to a physical affair. <p>I hear your grief and although it is painful, it is good - grieve. You have to grieve the loss of your dreams. I remember laying on my bed and crying for hours uncontrollably - then i got up and knew what i had to do. i cried because i was losing everything. then i came to the acceptance that it was indeed lost. i let it go. then recovery began. You have to get to a place where you can say "i want my marriage, i want my husband" this is true BUT "i will find happiness for myself with or without him" <p>You said you are afraid he's waiting for you to let him go. Let him go. Do you really want to force or manipulate someone to stay with you. do you really want him to pity you enough to stay with you? The answer is no - although i don't think you see that. What you really want is for him to chose to be with you. What you really want is for him to want to be with you not because he HAS to but because there is no place he would rather be than with you. <p>Please take care of you. If no contact is not feasible in your mind right now then try Plan A. it is about taking care of you. But read up on Plan B and the book i recommended because you can't Plan A forever. I just want you to be aware and educated on what is going on so you can regain control of your life regardless of what your H choses to do. I know it is so hard. Get counseling, pamper yourself, focus more on you and your well being rather than your H right now. If you have been trying the same thing for 3 years and nothing has changed you have to try something new becaue what your doing is not working. You have to regain control of your life and be responsible for your well being because if you don't change it, it could very well be this same way until death do you part. and that is a nonexistant of a life. I am so sorry you are here. You are worth so much more. You have to love and respect yourself enough to KNOW you deserve better - that he can't treat you this way. He will not respect you if you don't respect yourself. I hope I am not being to hard on you. I just relate so much to your situation and i too had no respect for myself once and i allowed my Husband to treat me however he wanted (which wasn't too bad - except the affairs) sounds crazy doesn't it?!!!! thats how I thought!!!!! Get counseling, get help, seek to find happiness and don't let it be dependant on your husband. Love yourself enough to say "no" he can not treat you this way. <p>As you can see by my signature we are in recovery again. But i have long given up the idea that divorce is not an option. I love my husband, i want my marriage but if things don't work out i will not die. Find that place - please!!!

Thank you for your advice and I took heed with it. This week I took a couple of days off work to think things over. H called me each of those days to see why i was not at work (seems he has been driving by my office and did not see my car)
mmmmmm
He also told me he would be over on Sunday to give me my support cheque. He called Sunday morning and I didn't pick up the phone. I went to the mall when I knew he was headed over. I did not call him for the rest of the day. My girlfriend came over and stayed for the evening. Apparently he drove by the house and saw her truck in front of the house. She did stay overnight and he drove by the house again in the morning and saw the same black truck. He called at 7:30am and asked if I would put the coffee on... I told him I was not even out of bed yet... and his response was... call me when your boyfriend leaves !! He has jumped to some huge assumptions. I did not call him back. He called me 3 times throughout the day. He has himself very upset about the whole thing. I did finally call him at suppertime and he asked if we could "talk". I could tell he had been crying. We did get together and yes, he had himself very upset. I did let him off the hook a little, by letting him know that I had not been sleeping with anyone. I told him his assumptions were wrong but I did not go into detail as to what I had really been doing. (which was really basically nothing)
He did not like not having control. He was upset that I had not called him to acknowledge the cheque in the mailbox, nor had I called him during the day. All things that i am very predictable in doing. I now see that changing my patterns has gotten his attention. Its amazing how quickly he responded when I did not act the same as I usually do.
He did not make any committments to me in any way. But his actions spoke louder than words in this case. He cares. And perhaps he even really does love me. But I must continue to not tell him everything that I am doing and with who and where. He can wonder for a change about all of that. It appears that he does not like not having control. I have always been there and have told him thousands of times how much I love him and how much I want him home. Time to stop doing that. He now has to feel the loss that I have been feeling all this time.
I hope it doesn't backfire... and he thinks that I am letting go, so he can get on with his life. But his actions tell me that he is still interested and even concerned about what I am doing.
I hope I am on the right track now.