Today, I just finally could not stand it anymore. I stood there in the bathroom and couldn't look at it for one more second without doing something. I took it down and burned it until it melted into a lump in his ashtray.<p>In the first couple of weeks AFTER D-day (also the day he moved back in) he actually had a tirade about a day back in July when my parents were visiting from out of state. My mother had to go to the ER because of a back problem and was on meds and bedrest in the hotel. She was really ailing, and my dad and I were trying to see to her and get her what she needed, whatever she might feel like eating, that sort of thing.<p>I was late getting back to the house, and in all the dealing with my parents I hadn't brought any dinner home for H. I also wasn't sure he was even eating that day anyway because he had just recently made me stock up on cans of Slim-Fast and had been having that for dinner while he was working on losing weight.<p>He threw a fit that night about not getting fed and his already crappy treatment went down even more with him not only slamming the door in my face, but the baby's as well as we attempted to do our usual routine of kissing him good-bye and waving as we saw him off to work. At that point, I knew it had to be real bad since it wasn't just me he didn't give a **** about, but totally rejected the baby in such a hurtful way, too.<p>My father was there when H threw his fit and was trying to get me to do something to pacify him and he was fretting and feeling like it was his fault that we didn't bring something home to H for dinner. I kept trying to reassure my dad that there was nothing that could be done because I had been trying for a long, long time to please H, and it just simply couldn't be done. If I had brought dinner home, it would have been something else he would have gone off on. I said once someone makes up their mind you are the wrong person, then you cannot do anything right in their eyes. I didn't have proof of the A then, but it sure felt like that was what was going on.<p>The next day my dad, my kids, and I went to a national park, and while there I bought H a souvenir, a dream-catcher, as a gift and hopefully prelude to making up. He continued to treat me like **** and was so unapproachable, I ended up just hanging the dream-catcher in the bathroom.<p>Fast forward to September: Once I was asking him about the A and what conversations he and OW had about me, and he referred back to that day back in July and got all mad and resentful about it again and said that was the only time he talked about me or complained about me to her because it was so unbelievable that he couldn't even get fed and how mistreated he was because of my neglect and that HIS back ALWAYS hurt, and he didn't get any sympathy or concern, etc.<p>So, the reality of that time was that he slammed the door in my and the baby's face and went to her and was with her, and there I was feeling bad about what happened and was trying to love him in spite of his treatment and rejection of me and tenderly choosing a gift for him. While he was stabbing me in the back, I was worrying about being a good wife and buying him a gift. The contrast of these behaviors is so stark and so sad. I was given no choice about being giving--my kindness was stolen from me.<p>He had no right to expect ANYTHING from me during that time, yet he did, and even since D-day he thinks he was entitled to not only what I did do for him during the A in my ignorance, but so much more. How can he possibly feel entitled to anything from me while he was doing such an awful torturous thing to me?<p>So, today I took down the dream-catcher and burned it, and it felt really good. During the A, I also bought him birthday gifts, Father's day gifts, and anniversary gifts as well as other non-occasion little things like the dream-catcher. Now that I've burned the dream-catcher, I'm ready to move on to the other things: The DVDs and CDs, the just the right ones I searched for until I found them, but that now I can never see or hear again without being reminded of what he did to me while I was doing that for him; and I just want to take the PVR, the one I did all the research on to figure out just which one to get and how much memory and searched all over town for, and smash it on the pavement, sweep up the pieces and throw them in the trash can.<p>I also cannot stand to see the things he brings home from work with its logo, the name of the birthplace of the A, and I want to burn them, too. He even has a hat, red, white & blue flag design that the place had made to get on the bandwagon in the aftermath of September 11. I can't even stand all the flags on all the cars and all the reminders of Sept. 11 because instead of choosing and turning toward his family in the wake of that and what could happen to any and/or all of us, he just spent more time with her and ended up leaving me a week later.<p>Anyway, I feel better that I'll never have to see that dream-catcher again, and I wonder if anyone else has done things like this to eradicate the triggers, and does it help farther down the road if these things have been eliminated, at least from your home?<p>Conqueror

Oh...I want to do this to...<p>but w/ care Conqueror...make sure it is a joint decision and will not be an LB...<p>aren't you still in early recovery?<p>I know...I know you need to do it for you...but don't take the risk of undoing even a little bit of your progress...

He dumped his ashtray and never said anything, but then again, he never said anything when the dream-catcher showed up in the bathroom in the first place. After D-day and him moving back in, I did say something about having gotten it for him and where and when, so I don't know if I LBed him or not by destroying it. He hasn't acted like it.<p>The DVDs and CDs are in cases, so aren't in my face several times a day as the dream-catcher was, so my urge to get rid of them subsided, but I don't think I'll be able to watch or listen to them with him if he gets them out.<p>Another day, another trigger, still hanging on. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Conqueror

So many triggers... such pains in the behind!! I'm happy for you that you feel better now that you've destroyed that hurtful trigger. That's important for YOUR recovery.<p>I would talk to your H about it though. He may or may not have noticed it being there or gone, but you should still let him know what you did and why you did it (radical honesty? sharing? whatever you want to call it) - it's a release for you. If he doesn't understand it now, he will one day. Just be careful of your wording, and avoid those LB's! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Yes, I do believe that destroying and/or getting rid of some things that are triggers of the A DO help you farther down the road. But I don't think it's always so much the actual ITEM, but the SYMBOLISM it represents. (but yes... sometimes it IS the actual item too [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] - I had a few of those myself... hehehe).<p>Karen

The triggers are numerous!!!! Like when the sun comes up and when it goes down!LOL. Actually it is not quite that bad. My W's A lasted a whole year, so the things that throw triggers for me are the timeline things. <p>The A was going on during my 40th birthday, which was an important milestone for me. It has now lost all it's important value to me. It was going on during our 16th wedding anniversary. We have always made a big deal of our anniversary. We would always take at least a weekend getaway with no kids. That is no longer of value to me. Thanksgiving and Christmas...... no longer the same meaning. Countless family get togethers, where she laughed and joked with my siblings and parents with a straight face.<p>Those are my triggers...... how do you get rid of them??? You can't!! Every birthday, anniversary, holiday and family get together will forever be tainted in my eyes. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]