Hi all Feeling very down today, dont know why maybe it was 21st anniversary last week that did it.
I just dont know why i keeping loving my H surely 17 months of h*ll is enough for anyone to get the message isint it??<p>A while ago he took OW to a party knowing that our bussiness partners (friends also) would be there, didint have the decency to tell me himself let one of them tell me.<p>I was so hurt to me it was saying look at me ive got a new life.
But he wont end the old one first, ive asked him to tell me we are over and he's never coming home but he says he dosent want to.<p>He has it made we separated 2 months ago, i asked him to leave i could not bear it when he spent nights with OW and i knew where he was.
So now he is free to do as he pleases and can see OW when he wants.<p>She has divorced her H since meeting my H so why my H hasent moved in i just dont know.
H hasent met her kids yet and says he is not in any hurry (they are young).<p>Cant understand that as if they are so in love and its all a bed of roses wouldent they be eager to live together asap??
Im sure i would if i was that much in love.<p>Our 21st wedding anniversary was last week and i didint hear a word from H i waited untill teatime and sent him a text and he sent one back saying sorry working or we could have gone for a meal!!<p>The fact that he would of woken up in her bed that morning (it was a thursday and he stays there weds) just didint mean a thing to him, to me it was one more twist of the knife.<p>This man ive known for 26 years has destroyed his entire family, im heartbroken his kids dont want to know him and both sets of parents are devastated, but as long as he's doing what he wants none of that matters.<p>Why cant he do the decent thing and tell me were over and let me move on, is he scared that isint going to work??
I feel like a reserve in case he has got it wrong if he's man enough to have the A why not man enough to make the choice.<p>I love him with all my heart and soul but this cant go on forever, i dont have the fight left in me, nothings changed since D/Day June 00 except now he only gets to sleep with her for past 2 months not both of us.<p>He hasent told me he loves me since Sept00 and that hurts so much, i still tell him but it seems to fall on deaf ears.
All he ever says is i dunno when i try to find out his plans.<p>Sunday he was here and he stayed for tea and stayed the evening, i didint mention anniversary or the A or the OW, all seemed like nothing was wrong apart from i went to bed alone and he left.<p>I havent contacted him since and i havent heard from him, maybe its best if i just let him get on with it and leave him alone at least then i wont be LBing him, i try not to but if i try and talk about the future and where i stand its an LB.<p>Seems like im supposed to sit back and wait for whatever H and OW want, and be a happy person while im waiting.<p>Also through all this our Daughter is fighting a heroin addiction, refuses to go to school and now has a police record for shop lifting.
The old H would have comforted me and made me feel loved and i would have coped standing on my head.<p>But this creature thats in my H body dosent give to hoots!!
Sorry to go on but i neede to vent.
Liz

{{{{{lizzle}}}}} I'm so sorry honey. This hurts so badly. God must be with you for you to be able to stand up under all this pain for so long. Mine has only been going on since 3/01, and already I feel as if I can't go on just one more day. Are you in Plan B? Do you think that your love is almost gone? If so, maybe it's time for a serious Plan B letter. Remember, they are SOOO screwed up to do this. This is NOT your H. He's been abducted by aliens and the aliens don't care about you. My H brought me a dozen red roses on our 16th anniversary, then went that night and slept with OW. It hurts so much, yet we are still here. Waiting for them to love us again. Maybe it's time for you to love yourself for a while. Quit worrying about him loving you. Do something special for yourself. Spend some money on YOU. Get a massage or just go to a hotel for a weekend and splurge on yourself. We love you and whether or not your H ever comes back, you can hold your head high knowing that you've done all you could to try to save your M. The bottom line is, however, that both people have to eventually want it for it to happen. I'm sending much love and prayers your way.... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>MOM

Hi, lizzle:<p>I don't think I've ever answered one of your posts, but today, you sounded so "down" I wanted to let you know someone "heard" and feels for you.<p>We have also been M over 20 years, so I understand that this "alien" who used to look and sound like your H but isn't, is sooo confusing at times!<p>I know you haven't been here too long. Are you in Plan A or B, or do you know? You should be getting yourself better during this time. Work on YOU. This is your time now. You need to heal, feel better, get strong and stay strong. People on here used to tell me this, and I didn't understand it then, but I'm glad they kept saying it until I "Got it."<p>To me, your H's actions say a lot more about his committment (or lack thereof) to OW than anything else. He isn't in a hurry to do anything closely resembling committment. He should have moved right in. He hasn't. He should be "eager" to be their "new dad." He obviously isn't.<p>It's been suggested to me that perhaps they really DO want to keep us "in reserve" just in case it doesn't work out! Some nerve, huh? How would you handle that? If he came back, just because it didn't work out w/OW. Could you take that? These are questions you alone must answer.<p>When he says he doesn't know his future plans, I believe him! They are truly in a "fog" and I think they try to just "hang on" to everything until the fog in their brains clears. Funny thing that: the fog won't clear as long as they are "wrapped up" in OW and listening and believing that they can have it all. Won't work. Now that he's out of the house, be strong. NOW he'll be able to be with her more often. The more time they spend together, the faster their little "bubble dream world" will burst! When he has to spend his free days with her kids, and they start to get on his nerves...and he starts to realize that being with HER F/T means being around them all the time.....<p>Give it time. It'll get old, and stale. Give it time. Time is on your side....especially now that he has ALL his time to devote to the A. It ain't all wine and roses, and NOW he'll see that! You work on YOU now. Enjoy your free time. It has taken me almost 6 months (WOW!! Has it really been THAT long?????), but now I really DO enjoy my quiet evenings. I enjoy deciding for MYSELF what and when I want to eat, or HOW MANY naps I can take on week-ends, or where to go to shop, or party or whatever. I'm not trying to make it like I LOVE my "alone" life, just that I'm finally starting to feel "comfortable" alone, and not "lonely" when alone.<p>I hope this helps. I guess all I'm trying to say is just enjoy it if you can. Hopefully, it won't be very much longer.......for any of us.<p>God Bless,
Lupo

Hi MOM and Lupolady thankyou so much for your replies, im feeling a lot better this morning (UK time 7-30am)
I was so down yesterday, most of the time im ok with the separation as ive always been alone during the week anyway, H is a trucker and works away.<p>I guess i just feel like im in limbo land, but then we all are so im not alone there.
At the moment im not ready for plan B, but im just cutting down the contact, im stopping the texts and im stopping the i love you and i miss you.<p>Maybe he might just miss the contact who knows, i cant see it as he has OW to replace all that so why would he need it from me anyway.<p>I have started to enjoy life a bit more, im going out with girlfriends and having a social life again, just feel empty coming home and H not here to talk to and have a laugh.<p>I know im not alone in the fact the A has gone on so long, there are many on these boards that have suffered as long and longer.
I am quite strong really, the bad days are getting less and i dont cry that much now.<p>But when it comes down to it i just love my H sooo much and i want our life back like it was.
I know he loved me before OW came along i just dont know if he can now he's loved her, maybe she is that special.<p>In my heart i know there is nothing i can say or do to make him see clearly, i know he's the only one who can decide what he wants.
Maybe the fog will lift one day and he will come home, i live in hope that something will clear it soon.
Thankyou so much for your replies i know you are both suffering so much and its so good of you to take the time to post to me.
Liz
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ November 07, 2001: Message edited by: lizzle ]<p>[ November 07, 2001: Message edited by: lizzle ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Originally posted by lizzle:
At the moment im not ready for plan B, but im just cutting down the contact, im stopping the texts and im stopping the i love you and i miss you.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi again, Lizzle,
I see a couple of things I wanted to respond to quickly, if that's all right.....<p>First of all, I see you are still in Plan A. Someone on here uses the phrase "Plan A With A Mission" - I LIKE THAT!! That is the picture we need to keep in our mind. We MUST Plan A with a mission. The mission is to bring our WH's home, with the knowledge that we DO love them, that we HAVE changed, that our home is a safe, comfortable place to be, where we will work to meet each others' needs, now that we "understand" how to find out what they are, and have the tools to help us. MB<p>OW doesn't have these tools. That is why A is doomed to fail. It feels good for the moment, only b/c it hasn't had to deal with every day details, people getting busy, lazy, LB'ing each other. WE are learning how to NOT do that anymore, while OW has NO IDEA! PLUS, as you say, she has NO IDEA how to meet all his EN's - YOU DO!! You've been there all these years......those kinds of things take YEARS to figure out about each other....we DO know. We've just neglected to do it for so long, that we both (H & W) got complacent.....does this make sense? That's how I see it anyway.<p>Well, before this gets too long, which I'm famous for, I'll try to get to the point! I would not stop the text mssging, or "I love you's" etc, unless HE sees them as LB. You are in Plan A. That means meeting as many of his EN's as he'll allow you to, working on yourself in order to make YOU the more attractive alternative for him, showing him that you do still care for him, and that home is a safe haven.<p>He's still not totally committed to making it with her, or he would have moved in and met her kids. I know 17 months is a long time, BUT it's really only been the last 2 months that he's totally free to be with her whenever he wants. LET HIM!!! That's a good thing for YOU!! He'll se that she's no LOVE GODDESS, or anything. Just a woman, with problems, a bad side, maybe a temper or other problems that'll bug him.....see on top of his guilt he'll then have to take on HER problems. Maybe she'll LB on her own H, and YOUR H will see her evil side! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He did come and stay one evening quite late. Prolly trying to make up for not being there on the actual anniversary, and felt guilty, but didn't want to say it. Believe it....they feel VERY guilty. DOn't know how to take care of that. I believe that's what takes them so long to figure it out and come home!<p>Stand tough, Lizzle. We're all here helping each other. I'm just pointing out stuff I figured out, and I hope it helps you get a little different perspective of what might be.<p>God Bless,
Lupo

Hi Lupolady thanx for your advice, maybe it is a good idea to just text every now and then they are not an LB mostly, but some have been.
I suppose i have come to far to just give up now,but im determined i wont mention the A again or try to find out his plans.<p>He was here again today and i just acted normal, we chatted about work and car insurance and mundane things like he was still here.
It was good that i could be like that as its wednesday and i know he will be off to see her later.<p>Maybe the sudden withdrawall of any mention of the A or where my future is going may help i dont know but its worth a try, if he thinks ive got my act together and can be happy alone it may make him think.<p>Anyway thanx again for your advice it gives me a lot to think about.
Liz [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]