Well as the infidel, I face another day trying to stop myself sending an email, a text message or making that call.<p>It is a little easier today but I must fess up.I rang a very dear friend who is known to both myself and the OW and asked him to call and see if she is ok. <p>((((ducks)))))))<p>I know some will say that was wrong but let me lay down the guidelines before you flame me.<p>a. He has been aware of the "friendship" with the OW for several years. No details but aware including one night when I actually put my arms around her in his presence to protect her from the cold. He has been my confidant through this past week and knows that part of the issue I face is to walk away from the friendship.<p>b. he is very aware of how hard it is for me at this point in the relationship.<p>c. I told him that as a mutual friend who may know more than he should, he could call the OW who I dare say may not have anyone who she has, or could, confide in and tell him he is aware of what has happened and the pain she may be suffering and that if she needs a knowing shoulder that he can be there. <p>d. Here is my justification.
I told him to tell her from the outset that he is not ringing on my behalf and under no circumstances should he confide in me that he had called and spoken with her. I made him promise that he and I would never discuss the call again and he accepted my request. I even mentioned the mb principal that any form of contact would be detrimental. I am not trying to contact her, just want to make sure that if she is also suffering the hell I am enduring that someone tell her he cares and offers a shoulder. <p>He would be very disappointed if I was using him as a source of information and asked anything and I would be disappointed if he went back on his word to me and tried to discuss it.

Hi Aus,<p>I have not posted before, but commend you for trying to work back towards your marriage. It is a long and hard journey but family happiness is on the end and can be enjoyed by your family. <p>The interim will be hard. As you make this request of your friend, you ask that the OW use his shoulder. That is not fair to either the OW nor your friend (especially if your friend is married).<p>Please step back and think of your actions. They sound noble and nice. Under normal circumstances they are even commendable. However, this is not a normal situation, you are not friends with OW, you were lovers. Your emotional ties with the OW were as strong if not stronger than that with your wife. <p>Based on that premise, what do you do? Well, you could continue to prolong with withdrawal and it will take longer to reach that goal mentioned in the 1st paragraph. Or you can resolve in your mind and heart to move forward. Ask for help to move forward. Build your support. Instead of asking how OW is, ask your friend to help you. OW will get her own help. Trust me, women like to look helpless but we are far from helpless. Women know how to manipulate men. We have journals and magazines telling us to do it (for those not savvy enough). Other women are very good at making the men feel sorry for them. <p>Some men, like the 'knight in shining armor' syndrome and the women can play that card to the hilt. Boy, women sure can make a bad name for themselves. I am a woman and frankly, I am ashamed at the lengths some women go through to fool men. <p>Whether you belive this or not is up to you. You are the one who has control of your healing capability. Yes, some feelings of withdrawal and understandable. Search under a user by the name of Trueheart. He is a WS who has posted here for about 6 months. He has helped many a BS and WS understand what goes on in the mind and heart of the Ws. <p>I am not saying that your OW was a bad person all the way around but the combo of the 2 of you made for a bad couple all the way around. <p>Please don't take this as a flame. It is not meant to be. I understand that your feelings can be a bit sensitive right now, in a few weeks (depending on what course your choose), it will get better and easier to handle. Your outlook will change,even from what it is right now. <p>Please pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. MB will teach you principles and points of reason to help you the rest of the way. Remember your goal, it will help endure the periods of pain which will decrease over time. <p>Take Care,
L.

O,<p>Boy you Venusians are a devious bunch!<p>Aus- Try to remember another time in your life when you were in LOVE w/ a W. Maybe high school or sometime like that. Try to remember what if felt like, particularly if she dumped you. The withdrawl, the anguish over not being together, the desperation to just hear her voice. Any of that sound familiar pertaining to your current feelings for OW? I'll bet it probably does.<p>Now, remember how you felt about that same girl (the high school sweety) after several weeks or a couple of months passed. It didn't hurt NEARLY as badly, did it? Sure you had the memories of the relationship, of the good times, the bad, but you were no longer crying yourself to sleep.<p>Now take all those feelings and emotions, and multiply them to an adult level. You're going to HURT TERRIBLY from withdrawl. But you must also realize that if you don't keep feeding the addiction, it will pass. I believe I've read on this site, or maybe in SAA that an "average" amount of time for these feelings is from 3 weeks to a couple of months....provided that you end it NOW, that you have ZERO contact, that you resist the temptation to contact her in ANY way (including third party callers). Each time you feed it, the withdrawl period starts fresh.<p>I'm sure you don't want to prolong you agony any longer than you have to. You have that power. Sure it's going to suck, it's going to hurt, your heart tells you to do one thing while your brain tells you another. Let me just clue you in on a little secret, though your heart has a lot of influence on your brain, your brain wins EVERY time. Make the conscious choice to make a clean break, make it with resolve, and make it stick.<p>Good luck and God bless,
K

aus,
I'm the mother of a single OW. I'm going to give you another perspective.
The kindest thing that her MM could do for her would be to leave her with a broken heart. I know that this sounds harsh. It is harsh. But she needs to learn that MM are out of bounds and she may not learn this any other way.
Playing the "good guy" will only leave her with romantic thoughts that will NOT allow her to "move on".
Do you love her enough to want her to have a "real" life? I think, you think, you do. So be kind and "let her go". That means, no, nada, nothing, change your E address, change your #'s both cel and home, instruct your "People" to not lst her through.
Sure, she will be hurt, but believe me she will get over you.

OR
Maybe, your afraid she will............get over you?!!

wow thanks for the replies.<p>I think one point did not come through clear enough. My intention was only to have a friend who is desperately in love and very caring to let the OW know that someone in the world cares, namely him. He has committed to give absolutely no feedback to me or her from me but just to let her know he was aware that she may be hurting. <p>I dont want to contact her. I just dont like to be the one to leave someone, anyone on their own with noone to talk to.<p>With regard to the school scenario, at least I had mates to convince me that I could do better and girls to tell her that I was a creep anyway.<p>This ow was a good friend and my weakness contributed to her suffering (as did hers) in silence which I feel would be terrible if she had the self detrimental thoughts I had. He did have contact with her before now so it wont be seen as anything but a friend who knew a bit more than he should.<p>I know I will regret it if I get any information about her and I know he will be loathe to share anything with me. There really are some men with distorted honor (believe it or not). I pray every day that she and her hubs can get through their issues (unable to have kids after 7 years trying) and that they can find peace in eachother. (I am well and truly cut before the conspiracy theorists get started.)<p>I guess the best way to put it is although I really dont want to know, I hope in my heart that an old friend is dealing with the issues she faces better than I am because although betrayed spouses hurt a lot, so does the decision to walk away from something I loved in its own way, although I know in my heart that the rewards will far outweigh the consequences.

Ya know, My H said,upon his confession, that he would lose the OW as a friend..and I said,"Hey,Buddy, you're about to lose your WIFE"The longest running relationship of your life,outside of the nuclear family. The person who has endured alcoholism and bankrupcy,ups and downs and who has been loyal to you and YOU only for all of MY adult life(I was M at 18). Who is always on your side...ALWAYS,your side and my side are the same side!!!<p>The OW was a "friend" that participated in the worst thing he has ever done, to himself,as well as his wife and kids. If she had REALLY been a friend, she would have sent him back to discover what he really wanted and trusted that if he really Loved her, he would return to her. She didn't do that for her OWN self interest. If she had done that, they could still be friends!!!!<p>My H had contact with OW for the exact same reasons you are, trying to make sure she was OK. After all, He was back home, I GOT what I wanted.He had done the right thing by me...she was broken hearted,poor thing.And partly because he didn't know if I would be able to really take him back so he wanted to keep her on the back burner,so to speak.But it was starting again to go where it had gone,for her. For him, he was no longer in tha same place he had been in his head,during the A.And it made him feel slimy,he didn't want it.<p>He says he still misses aspects of the friendship before it went EA/PA. But he also knows that this person was not a true friend to him.Took him a very long time to not feel guilty for her,wasted alot of energy that he wishes he had out into the M,early on. Also, took him a long time to honest with himself.

Aus, the only SAFE confidante for your OW is a FEMALE counsellor. Not yet another man who will start off as a shoulder and end up on her pillow. Sorry if that's blunt, but that's how it will go. How did it start for you? Sympathy, right? Compassion? <p>This is not meant as a flame, but as a very serious warning. You have taken the first step onto a slippery slope. This "friend" of yours will find a way to let you know about OW; you say you'd be disappointed if he told and you won't ask, but the two of you will be eyeing each other for the next few days till one of you breaks and either asks or drops indirect hints. <p>You say that your OW is married. A marriage is a marriage regardless of whether or not a child is born of it. That is where your OW's focus should be, on her own husband and marriage. She already has a person who cares - her husband. He's the only MAN she should look to for comfort in her distress at their childlessness. <p>If you really care, let your OW go. You will only lengthen and deepen whatever pain she may be feeling by not letting go. My H had this idea that it would hurt XOW less if he let her down gradually, frayed the cord instead of cutting it, kept reassuring her that he cared but only as a friend, no longer as a lover. HE WAS WRONG. He hurt her almost as much as he hurt me, and he kept himself in a state of anguish too. The clean cut heals the fastest.<p>Aus, I have to say this to you: you have no responsibility at all for your OW's health, happiness, security or whatever. You did, however, promise to love, honour and cherish your wife. You ARE responsible for NOT being the cause of your wife's unhappiness. You and your OW both CHOSE to enter into your affair; your wife had no choice at all in it. You're again depriving her of information and the right of choice by this clandestine checking-up operation with your "friend." The " " are deliberate. A real friend would tell you that no contact means no contact, however indirect, and would support you fully in your process of withdrawal from your A and recommitment to your marriage. Also, you say that your friend is desperately in love. He should NOT be endangering his relationship by entering a very perilous zone. <p>You mentioned the MB principles. Again, this is not meant as a flame. The tone is not one of accusation, just an attempt to change the focus. What are you doing on a day by day basis to meet your wife's needs? Your whole post is all about you, your pain, the pain your OW MIGHT be feeling. What about the very real and genuine pain your wife is DEFINITELY feeling? What are you doing to follow the MB principles about finding out your wife's needs, meeting them to the best of your ability, spending quality time with her, protecting her from your weaknesses? What are you doing to give your wife a chance to meet your needs? <p>Please reread what Harley says about no contact, however indirect. The worst withdrawal is over in 3 weeks, and it's completely gone inside of 6 months. That's a doable amount of time! But as Leilana always says, it's not the time you put in, it's what you put into the time! You can passively endure the pain of withdrawal, and end up empty, perhaps having lost your wife, or you can be proactive, shorten the period of suffering, and end up with a loving, forgiving, committed wife.

Well,<p>I have no idea if he spoke with the ow or not for one. For two I will not know, dont want to know, but I take comfort in the fact that someone I know who may be hurting knows that someone cares for them. I hope you all feel that someone cares for you and that you are not alone either.<p>Now I gonna take the bit between the teeth and duck.<p>The BS's seem to think the OW is some tart who would jump into bed with any man. She is not! We fell in 'love' over a period of 18 months working together in a pressure cooker. Remember how it happens?. I knew it was wrong but when someone is able to fill EN's that my W was unable to fill irrespective of my consistently communicating the fact and doing everything I could to help her. Remember my wife even suggested on many occassions that I go out and pay for it due to her lack of libido and feelings of frigidity. The condition was that she didnt know about it. Regardless, for seven odd years, I stayed totally loyal and completely understanding of her needs even reassuring her that it was not pushing me away. (little did I realise that it would however leave me vulnerable). And who knows maybe I filled some EN's of the OW, I would not be so vain as to assume so but I certainly helped her through some tough times as well.<p>I accept that BS's would feel angry toward the other but please dont forget that it is the BS's that contributed to the affair as well and the WS and the OW. Surely if some BS's stopped and accepted this, they would back off a bit. Remember, I have been there! <p>The lack of apparent rational consideration of this single point makes me question other aspects of the argument, especially with regard to saying anything now I chose to end the A and get back in touch with my family.<p>By the way, my wife's outlook has in the past 10 months changed due to her reclaimed levels of fitness (not that I ever thought she looked out of shape), getting some work (new people) and fortunately for me, with her increased levels of energy she is certainly meeting the EN's I wrongly replaced with the OW. And look what happens. I choose to end A because I have it all at home.<p>Let me tell you that my wife is feeling nothing but adoration. I love her and my children more than life itself and trust me that has been part of the consideration due to my feelings of guilt and shame.<p>The BS's need to think before they shoot me down because if they only direct their anger at the philanderor and the insignificant other, they are ignoring a significant reason for their partner straying in the first place.<p>Having said that, I have had no contact today, have thought about the OW many times but my resolve held true.<p>I made passionate love to my beautiful wife this morning, spent her day off with her at the movies and the afternoon flying a kite with my kids and yes I think I have it all at the moment, and dare I say, she doesnt have it too bad either!<p>Ok, let me have it!