This is a good thread....I, too, like the energizer bunny on crack could not stop my mind from fixing. I did not act on my obsessions but my mind was driving me crazy. Thanks all for reinforcing the long haul concept. Nothing this broken can get fixed so quickly.<p>Kevco, funny that your WS is constantly keeping in contact with you. Let her as long as you can stand it and keep your cool and use it to Plan A. Let her come to you then practice your Plan A stuff. All my Plan Aing was done for 4 months while watching the A going on. My WS would not leave so trying to convince him that I could not handle his love for someone else in my face constantly was the challenge of a lifetime. My WS was so unsure of what he wanted and it seems your WS, by contacting you so much, is not sure either. How could she possibly be sure and content with this deceptive, secret involvement. Space will help her begin to see what she really wants and let the OP LB for awhile. Just keep thinking of the little boy messing up and WS finding out what he is really like. He has faults---and so does she that they are not seeing yet. <p>I love the concept of Plan A cause it keeps the process going for life with or without the WS. That is so healthy cause none of us can determine the outcome of any of this. <p>Chill and hang in there....there is life beyond D-day.<p>TW

bumped

Kevco,
I've been reading this thread, and I think I am interpretting her contact with you differently. She's calling you, emailing you, asking for more of a response from you, wanting to spend Thanksgiving together... You know, the opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference - and she's not exhibiting either one. <p>I, too, am the BS and the last thing I would want to do is build false hope, but I don't think she's as sure about how she wants to proceed as she's claiming to be. <p>Yes, you need to Plan A right now, but Plan A doesn't include appearing tooo needy and desperate (you're right, it's not attractive). Plan A, work on yourself, don't LB, and become mysterious! Don't always be there when you normally would be, don't always answer her calls (hard, I know), wear things she's never seen you wear, get involved in something she knows nothing about, go places you wouldn't normally go...<p>Believe me, she'll know. She is definitely not indifferent. I am willing to bet that she knows far more about what's going on with you right now than you think, and the more mysterious you become, the more intrigued she'll be. I think it will affect her more than you know if she has reason to think that you may be building a life separate from her. First and foremost, of course, you have to take care of yourself, so let the changes be those that are positive for you anyway. <p>Good luck!<p>AB

First of all...>>>>>>THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT IN THE LAST SEVERAL DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<<<<<<p>Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to say that everything is fixed, or that we're ready for recovery, or even that there's anything beyond this minute....but I just received my first waffle (the blueberry topped one, not the sour-dough one)!<p>WS is sick today and she went to the DR. Afterward, she stopped by our house after the DR. to check her email. She called me a little later, and for the FIRST time, I could hear the pain and remorse in her voice. She said she'd walked around the house (which is spotless! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ), and it was hard for her to think that she'd be giving all that up, all the memories.<p>She tried to explain that she didn't want to NOT have dinner because she hates me, but rather "I don't want to give you false hope." Yadda yadda.<p>I told her that I realize that there's no easy and quick way out of this, no matter what she decides. And that if I had false hopes, then that is MY problem. She said it's just the mommy in her that wants to make everything better, I told her that I don't WANT her to be my mommy any more, that's one of the things that I'm working on.<p>I explained my feelings about severing all contact (not like we had, but if we would). I explained that without ANY contact, she wouldn't be able to see how I was changing, that I know and respect that she doesn't trust that the changes that I've talked about would be real. I told her that I don't blame her for falling out of love with me, and I'm not asking (nor have I ever) for her to just "turn it back on." I told her I know that's not possible. I explained that >>>I<<< would divorce the man that I've been in the last year (and more). My only hope is to continue SOME contact, so that SHE can rebuild some trust in ME. I took full responsibility for my "reactions" over the last several weeks and explained that I think I'm finally beginning to be able to control them.<p>I told her that ALL I want is for both of us to be happy, and what's best for both of us. I conceded that right now, my view of what that is and hers are COMPLETELY different, and I can accept that for now.<p>She said that it's not that she doesn't want to be friends, even though "everyone" is telling her that it's not possible to be friends and DV (probably right there, at least initially). But that she doesn't believe that and she really does want to remain friendly.<p>I did everything to not LB, and I think I succeeded. I even think she had tears (though with her cold, it might have been a little hard to tell).<p>You people have been my savior in the last several days (and weeks). I thank you all for FINALLY helping to make me see the path, even though it's still going to be hard to see and follow at times.<p>I'd have never seen this lunch hour if not for you folks. God bless you!<p>Love,
Kev<p>[ November 09, 2001: Message edited by: kevco- ]<p>[ November 09, 2001: Message edited by: kevco- ]</p>