Hi all,<p>I must say that I wouldn't even have know about this site except that I am in the process of going through this situation. I'm the BS. Since then I've read about 10 books on relationships/marriage/sex, etc... I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but I feel the need to help another couple who is very close to me.<p>When I found out about my W's A, I spoke with a wife of a close friend. After I spilled my guts about how I was feeling, she told me that she had thoughts like my wife had about her husband and that she too has been having an affair. A few weeks later, I spoke to her and she said that after she saw what we were going through, she stopped her own affair. <p>This is a Catholic girl with very strong morrals, so I really believed that she had stopped it. I later found out through the grape vine that she hasn't stopped her A and that the OM is her husbands best friend. <p>Both my wife and I want to desparately help this couple. I printed out many of the topics regarding infidelity on this site had my wife give them to her when they went out for coffee. After she spoke with my W, she agreed that she needed to end the A so that she could appreciate any changes that her H was trying to make. The following night, I spoke to her for over an hour and told her I knew and told her that I wanted to talk to her H so that I could help her change him to meet her emotional needs. <p>She was very happy that I offered her help because she thought that he would listen to me since I had just recently went through the most painful experience of my life. My worry was that I couldn't convince him of the danger ahead and the drastic need to change since she didn't want me to tell him about the A. <p>I agreed to talk to him and keep the A a secret--I know it's not my place to tell him. Last night I planned on talking to him for a couple hours, but I only got in 15 minutes since another person came over to visit. In my 15 minutes, I could sense that he wasn't too comfortable talking to me about this and that I wouldn't be able to make him see the drastic change that was needed in himself to avoid his marriage from falling apart.<p>With me, it took my knowlege of the A to finally see what I needed to change. However, once the A got that far, my W built a wall (maybe fog) around herself and my efforts now are almost wasted (the ole "ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure"). I have tried to reason with the woman and tell her to tell her husband everything. She's very protective of the OM at this point and doesn't want to see him ousted from our circle of friends. I told her that if the A continued that this would eventually happen anyway. <p>I'm think that him knowing about affair would change him in to the person she needs. However, if she doesn't tell him, I think he'll stay the same and she will leave him for the OM. Then it might be too little too late. <p>Sorry for the long post, but below I want to summarize my questions...<p>1. Can he change without knowlege of how bad it is?<p>2. Since she's protective of the OM's feelings, is it possible to help her see that her husbands best friend and her husband will never again be friends no matter what happens at this point?

Here is what i would do if i were you. <p>I would find out where they meet or when they get together. It shouldn't be that hard to do. THEN set it up so that her husband finds out about it through "coincidence". <p>This is a hard topic. My FIL knew about my W's A for 7 months before i found out...but wouldn't tell me. I now have some resentment towards him because the damage could have been so much less if i had discovered it 7 months sooner. I understand why he couldn't tell on his daughter, but that doesn't help me out any. <p>I found out through an anonimous letter in the mail...mailed to my work. I knew it was true as soon as i read it. I still to this day don't have any idea who sent it...it was signed "A concerned friend". <p>I would still try to set it up with the BS that he accidently find them together OR that he sees alot of evidence that tells him what is going on. That way you aren't on the hook for telling. <p>Good luck with your decision and in recovering your marriage.

You make it already your business by getting involve. You have obligation to let H know, direct or indirect ... Have it occurs to you WW might "play" you along ?. I guess confession booth is not enough to let her guilt out LOL !!!. Or worst to enjoy "polygamy" relations. A has to be in the open and let it dies naturally. Do you know that it is W responsibility of H's love and vice versa ?. WW could stop A and work on plan A'ing H !!!!. WW is in the fog and you got suck right into her fog ... watch out, this WW could be your A ... put your guard high.

Hi Jeff - I think that in the present circumstances, you should just tell this guy. Nothing grabs your attention like an affair, right? If you sat down with this guy and started talking to him about his marriage, with no invitation and no context of an affair, it's not surprising that he would be uncomfortable and the attempt would not go over well.<p>Your 1st question, can he change? The answer of course is "yes", but those of us on this board did not change in time to prevent the affair. So it's unlikely. It's also unlikely your friend's wife will stop the affair voluntarily.<p>Sad Daddy has a good suggestion, but if an "anonymous tip" comes in just days after your attempt at marriage counseling, he'll pretty much know where it came from. Even if you arrange a coincidence, he'll make the connection. Remember, a newly-aware BS is paranoid for a while and re-examines everything. So I would not try to be devious.<p>It's very tricky. In some sense, you would betray this guy's wife's confidence by telling him. But you're not being a real friend in keeping it from him. You could be lumped with OM when it comes out. The damage can only get worse as time goes on. You're already in the middle of it. All sorts of uncomfortable and unpredictable situations could arise in the coming months. I suggest you simplify right down to the basics - honesty.<p>But, I must admit to some hypocrisy in suggesting this. One of my wife's cohorts in cheating, has told her husband that she stopped. But I know that's not true. He's more of an acquaintance than a friend (my justification). What I do is scrupulously avoid him, and he probably avoids me, too. With all of my own problems (plan B imminent), I'm not willing to jump into another situation. That's really what I would have suggested for you, staying out of it. Even so, I think it's admirable you're trying to help them. <p>- Tom

I have to agree with the others. You have to let this guy know. I would be upfront to the W and tell her that if she won't tell him, you cannot keep quiet any longer, it is not fair to him, or to you. By keeping quiet you are jeopardizing your integrity.<p>My philosophy, particularly now that my H's family disagrees with him vehemently, but is afraid to voice their opinions much is that SILENCE is consent. By not telling the H, you are consenting to the situation.<p>Good luck, I wish you and the other couple the best.

I just wanted to clarify. The WW is now trying to do plan A, but this is without her H's knowlege that there needs to be a plan A. As of now, she has stopped the A and is going to go 2 months without seeing the OM. <p>What I currently want to do is to continue to try to talk her in to telling him. Maybe once she gets over her toughest period of withdrawal she'll then take the advice to tell her. I do not want to break the promise I made to her and at the same time I do feel obligated to try to help them. <p>Thanks for all the feedback.

I think I would tell her she had one week (or what ever time you what to put on it)to tell her H about the A and if she did not then I would tell him. Give them the SAA book and pray that things go for the better (what ever that might be)<p>Send her and H here for support.

Jeff, my H found out from me but I had confessed to a mutual friend of ours..very similar..I told her everything and that I had ended it that day as I thought I had but carried on a couple more months. I told a counselor also who advised me not to breathe a word as did my friend.<p>H says he feels our friend failed him by not reporting my conversation to him, our boss (she did the same kind of work we did) or pressuring me to tell before she did. It would have scared the beep out of me but I would not have wasted two more months lying to everyone around me and myself. <p>Just my two cents worth. Not an easy situation and I don't envy you.<p>Think I would avoid manipulating an accidental meeting. Someone has got to tell her H the truth and I think you get to do that... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>All the best...it is your decision.

What if you gave the wife a specific timeframe in which to confess to her husband and tell her if she doesn't tell him, that you will?

Does your friend know about your marital problems? If so, I think I would tell your friend something to the effect "I've really leaned a lot about how my actions/interactions contributed to creating a situation that made it possible for my wife to have an affair. & I see a lot of similarities between your marriage and mine." <p>This discussion would be only after I told his wife in writing that she had 1 week to tell him herself. I'm sure if she told him, he would then want to talk to you (misery loves company). If not, then I would tell him or send him an anonymous email/letter. You're already involved whether you like it or not, not your fault but still involved. <p>The last point I would make is please don&#8217;t discuss you own situation with anyone of the opposite sex without their significant other being present. This situation can easily lead to opening the proverbial Pandora's box. I used to think this rule was hogwash, but I noticed a few of the people of the opposite sex who learned of my situation without their/or have no SO being present are the first ones today to ask "how it going at home". My only defense without being too rude is "I really don&#8217;t want to talk about it" and casually find a reason to leave.<p>
Good luck.