Way back when I was IN SHOCK IN C A L I (remember that poor shattered soul?), I asked this question and was so disappointed in the few responses that I received.<p>How could no one be able to describe a pristine plan A?<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009455.html<p>Now, six months after discovery, I think I understand why...<p>Complexity of life determines the path of one's plan A...what needs to be done depends on the individuals in the marriage and the marriage itself...<p>First, and foremost, plan A should start with you and a deep introspection of who you are...you should determine what needs to be 'fixed.' NOT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE OR YOUR WS, but FOR YOU! How can you became a stronger person able to be interdependent...because marriage is not about dependence or independence, but upon interdependence.<p>Second, plan A should take a look at lovebusters...which lovebuster(s) do you own? I owned them all and was a master. I had to determine that, again, for me...to be a good role model to my children and to FEEL BETTER about myself...I had to give up the critical judgments, the angry outbursts and the selfish demands...I had to treat my WS and children at least as well as I did friends, coworkers and students.<p>Finally, but not of any less importance, look at your spouse...remember that they are struggling with their own issues AND YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THOSE ISSUES...don't try to own your spouses issues...that being said...what does your spouse need? affection, sex, admiration, recreation????Did you allow life to take over and so you quit meeting your spouses needs. Have you withdrawn from one another...no intimacy and no conflict...just emptiness...Determine a plan to get back to intimacy...And don't forget the issue of control...many WS's feel 'out-of-control' in their marriage...feel that the BS, for whatever reason, has more control...can you enable them to feel that you are equals in the marriage?<p>Write out for yourself what the perfect relationship would 'look' like...how would the two people communicate? how would the two people treat one another? how would the two people make decisions together? Now commit to your part...live it...own it...<p>A pristine plan A starts with you. Change is incremental and painful. It will get more painful before it gets better...but if you never do anything different...you'll continue to get the same result.<p>A pristine plan A ends with you...because in the end YOU ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HALF OF THE RELATIONSHIP. <p>C A L I

Hi,<p> I, too have been having problems knowing how to keep a plan A going. I started doing some things even before I ever came across this website, But where it all gets me is that I do A, A, A, all the time, but don't feel like WH appreciates it at all. I think he only likes it cuz I'm not venting to him about my hurt and pain and sorrow, so he has peace. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] So then I start to feel resentful. Twice this week I have vented, although not in any ugly way. I am always very calm, and just describe how it hurts that I am the only one making an effort, that he doesn't seem to care enough about me and our kids to even try to help us feel better. I guess I did a LB, but sometimes I JUST CAN"T TAKE IT! <p> So I am pledging to do better, even tho I feel like I have been doing pretty well considering all the circumstances. I have been very controlling of my emotions. I thought he was coming out of his fog, but now I think he is slipping back in to it. He's making it hard on himself because he refuses to cut off all contact w/ OW. She still talks to him and vice versa because of business. I think I'd better get some counseling from the Harley's to help me figure out what to do now. It's hard to be patient. I just can't figure out how he is not able to see how painful this has been to me. Sometimes I think that the plan A gets them off the hook because they don't ever see how crippled you have become as a result, all they see is the strong, cheerful , loving plan A'er. So they don't think its hurt you all that bad. Any one have thoughts about that?

How about this rendition of a pristine Plan A:<p>Plan A endures long and is patient and kind; Plan A is never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.<p>Plan A is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Plan A does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].<p>Plan A does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.<p>Plan A bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances and it endures everything [without weakening].<p>Plan A never fails... you know why??? Because "Plan A" is "love" as in "God's love inside of us!" (adapted from 1 Cor. Chapter 13) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Bin...you again put a smile on my face [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>C A L I

EXACTLY!!!

All us COWS do our best... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Just kidding, I don't see myself as a cow, but gosh darn, it's tough for a person like me to ignore my past hanging out at a place like this! You guys are a tough bunch! I can take it tho. I have been there done that in the stupidity department, I never try to hide that from anyone, here OR in my daily life. Take care and have a great weekend!

BINthereDUNthat & C A L I- Perfect ! I had to mess it up many times myself before I even came close!

It's part of how you focus on yourself.<p> Thanks!

Dan<p>[ November 09, 2001: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>