I haven't posted in awhile, so I'll give a short version of my story. Married 10 years, lived together 13. Two children at home. Found out April 3 H was having A. He agreed to end A and to no contact. Did ok until July 14 when I found him on her front porch before he went to work. Again, agreed to no contact. Did ok, she was still calling him, e-mailing. He was depolyed Sept 1. Things were much better between us when he left and he had even told me that he loved me. Found out about 2 weeks ago that a women he works with was wondering why she hadn't heard from him. Sent word back that I heard from him everyday and would be happy to relay any messages. Found an e-mail he sent her that was very suggestive... Monday in his email he reaffirmed how much he loves me and how much he misses me and kids. Didn't hear from him yesterday, today I found out he called OW (number 2 I'm guessing) last night. Can anyone tell me what in the world he could be thinking? I finally thought we were on the right road and now I feel like I'm right back where I was in April. He's 41 years old, not a teenager but he sure is acting like one. I just don't know what to think now. I can't really "talk" to him about this because he doesn't know yet that I know about number 2 and I hate to have a conversation like this over the phone or in an email. I just don't get it... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

2tired,<p>I didn't want your post to go unanswered although I'm not sure I really have an answer for you. <p>I think your H may still be in some degree of fog. If he has continued contact with the OP then it could be because she's stirring it up - keeping the flame alive so to speak - and he's not strong enough to tell her to get lost. I think this argument is supported by his 'I love you' statements and then calls the OW. Sounds very much like the fog.<p>This has nothing to do with you or the kids - it' s completely in his head. I guess it'll take a little more time for the A to die which means you'll have to be strong with your Plan A.<p>It's going to be tougher because he's away at the moment. However, he's also out of reach of the OW too, so this may bring the A to an earlier death. If it's tough for you , it'll be unbearable for the OW and she has far less to tie her to him than you do. <p>take care of yourself, <p>- Freddy<p>[ November 08, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

Freddy,<p>Thanks for the reply. I'm sure you are right, I was just pretty down yesterday. The thing is that I'm sure he isn't having much to do with the first OW but now it appears that there maybe a 2nd.<p>Number 2 works with him (when he's here), I don't think this one has went far but it looks like it could be headed in that direction. <p>I just don't know if he's having some kind of midlife crisis or what. He assures me daily that he wants or marriage and we will work on it together when he gets home but then he e-mails OW #2??? Do some people (I won't say men) just have some weird desire to have more than one person in their lives? Is it a need for what? variety? As I said yesterday I just don't get it.<p>What I'm afraid of is that he is thinking that he can just start another A because I won't know about it (he doesn't know I know about #2). I just don't think I can live that way.<p>Anyway, thanks for the reply. I don't post much. I lurk lots but just don't feel like I've had a lot of solid advice. It's hard to feel like you can offer good support when your life is in such a mess!

2tired,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>It's hard to feel like you can offer good support when your life is in such a mess! <hr></blockquote><p>Oh boy, I think we all feel like that [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If you're sure that there is a #2, then I'd head it off at the pass right now. But if you only think that there maybe one, ask your H about it. Tell him about your insecurities and tell him that you need his support more at this moment, than at any other time. <p>This is what our counsellor said to my wife about our relationship too. She said that my W needed to be more supportive and show more interest in me in order to reassure me of the relationship and her love. My W did this and it worked for us.<p>I'm also 41 and I'm not in any mid-life crisis - at least I didn't think so. My W thinks I was/am. I don't know. I'm not even sure it's important. What is important though is that I told my wife I couldn't live with another man in her life and if she wanted that, fine, but that's not for me. She sat on the fence until I said I was moving out. It was only at that point that she started working on the relationship.<p>I'm not suggesting you do the same - but the best advice I can give is to try and keep the communication channels open with your H and tell him how you feel and what you need from him. You can't do much more than that at this stage.<p>take care of yourself,<p>- Freddy<p>[ November 09, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>