Well....I thought that everything was going ok on our road to recovery...but things keep coming up.<p>First of all.....my WH is still spending money on things that he wants without discussing it with me...and even lying about a couple of things....eventually telling me the truth.<p>Second....I still have no wedding band on my finger. He says that he doesn't want to put the old ones back on because he doesn't like them....and has said that I have a surprise coming...has been saying it for a while now....wonder how long I have to wait.<p>We are still living with his parents....he isn't making an attempt anymore to pay any of the bills off so we can get another place.<p>All the affection and attentivness that he showed me at first is gone. He acts like he doesn't care anymore.<p>It seems like it's not ok for me to get upset about things. He has given me reason to suspect that he is having contact with the OW again....but swears that he isn't.
She still works there....but in a different department.<p>I'm not sure what to do at this point.
He says that he loves me and wants this to work out.....but isn't doing much to make it happen.....and his actions aren't saying what his words are.

Don't know that I have any great advice for you, but have you tried counseling? I think having that third party to listen to both and help point you in the right direction could help. Sometimes just talking together doesn't seem to get you anywhere. Hope things get better.

I have tried unsuccesfully to schedule mnumorous counseling appts.
I've had to cancel because of no sitter.....no money and no time.<p>It was originally my WH's idea of counseling this time.......have tried to get him to go before and he wouldn't.....and now that he is willing we can't.<p>[ November 08, 2001: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</p>

I know it's hard to schedule anything when you have children at home. Have you thought about the phone counseling? I think when my husband gets home that we will probable try that because of the time and trying to find sitters. I know it isn't easy to find the money to pay for it either. I'm saving while my husband is away so that it will be there when he gets home. I don't see any other course of action for us. Have you checked into a minister at a local church. Sometimes they counsel and that could help.

Hi MP, speaking from experience, do everything in your power to schedule that appointment. Money doesn't matter at this point. Be persistent, don't give in, work your but off to get that appointment.<p>When my H's EA was first revealed to me, it took 2 months before we finally got to see a real counselor. That was too long. I think if we could have gotten in right away, we could have avoided him going PA. I truly do. Something always happened, the kids were sick, the counselor had to re-schedule, etc. But I gave up too easily now that I look back. I should have given it 110% instead of 90%.<p>It doesn't sound like things are going THAT bad. Do you think you may just be expecting too much, too quickly? You sort of generalized alot of things in your post, is it always, 100% of the time the way you say, or is it just like 60% of the time??<p>Remember, if you ever had to get a divorce (heaven forbid), it would cost you 5-20x more than the cost of what counseling will cost you.<p>Also, your H is still getting out of the fog, it is still early, like my marriage counselor says (with my H right there even), I still can't rely on my H to do the things I am asking. It is too much, too soon. He's not THERE yet. Things may be similar for you, just keep that in mind.<p>As for the contact with OW, THAT sends out a red flag. You need to figure this out right away... Not sure what you can do, know anyone at his work that can "spy" for you? What is it that makes you think he is contacting her again, is it real, or more in your mind??<p>Was your H telling you he loved you, etc. when the affair started? Is he the type that truly led two lives (saying he loves you, then going to see her), or was he more like my H, he hated his life, didn't "love" me for a while, then found himself with another women. In my case, I hadn't heard my H say "I love you" for 9 months prior to the affair. When he says it now, I really believe him and it helps me to know he doesn't want anyone else while he is in love with me... ( I still have to deal with him losing that feeling and running to a different OW again, but that is a different kind of fear than you have, you have to worry specifically about that one OW....)<p>I have also started figuring out how my H ticks and how to detect if something is up. I got this from counseling, so you may not be there yet... <p>Recovery is 10x harder than D-day. Good luck!!
HbH

Hi MP,<p>Good to hear from you. Just letting you know that this sounds like part of the withdrawal phase. For my H it was easy to slip back to his non-communicative self. It has been a working challenge for us. There are days where he is not affectionate and I have to gently remind him. He has gotten angry at me and if you recall even threatened to take our son to OW's. <p>Boy I have come close to throwing in the towel. Much easier for the BS like me to do that now. Especially since we have learned here that we do not have to put up with. <p>So my 'non-professional but living through it advice' is: Hang in there, continue to show him that you have the family's interest (including his) at heart and trying hard. I let my H know when I am having a bad day and ask him how he is doing. He is learning to talk to me more, even if it is him grumbling. I still have to ask more than he voluntarily divulges but we are working on that. We kid around a bit more. His sense of humor is a bit dry, I am the comical one..... we have to ask him, is that a joke? he he he!!!! <p>
{{Hugs}}
Take Care,
L.