This website is wonderful. It has helped me get through the most difficult time of my life.<p>My story: H and I married a little over a year. We were together five wonderful years prior to marriage. Alot happened in first year of marriage- he finally was living on his own away from mother, bought house, bought two new cars, I graduated law school and got my first "career" job, he moved work locations.<p>H and co-worker have been good friends for a couple of years, and I encouraged this relationship (Obviously I trusted a little too much). Interestingly enough, I never met her (I know- this should have been a red flag). <p>This past May we seemed to be distancing from each other. I know realize I wasn't meeting his EN (I discovered this site only last week). Between his coaching soccer after work and my weekly meetings at night, we never "connected". When we were together, we were with our neighbors.<p>We got in a huge fight in June, and he left. He told me the infamous, "I love you, but not in love with you." I was devestated. Two months passed, ( a month of which we had no contact) and I went to his mother's house (where he had been staying) and told him we had too much going for us to just throw it away. We began dating and things were great. He was still confused though.<p>We were doing well for two months (I guess you could call this my Plan A) but a few weeks ago, after he was off of work for a week, he went back to work and seemed depressed. It finally hit me- he had feelings for co-worker. He finally admitted this, although denied having a PA. I was okay with it, but asked if he would a) stop seeing her and b) give 100% to "us". He couldn't commit to giving us 100%, although he told me he loved me and had never stopped loving me. So, we decided it was over and we even hugged goodbye. It was weird.<p>Anyway, I called OW and "tricked" her into admitting PA. When I confronted H, he denied. He couldn't/wouldn't admit it. I finally got him to admit it, and I told him that once he got his act together, I would still be here for him. Now that I have read Dr. Harley's book and the information on this website, I guess you could say I am now in Plan B. I sent him the Plan B letter a week ago. <p>Here is my question- many people believe that I should move on. Since we have no kids and have only been married a year, this is my best option. They don't want to see it happen to me again and don't want me to be questioning his everything for the rest of my life. My mind tells me to move on, but my heart says I want to be with H. <p>Since letter was sent, H has found two dumb reasons to call. I have been short and kept it to business. I just don't know what to do, how long to wait, do I even risk the wait when we only have a year of marriage under our belts. <p>Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any good advice? I truly do not know what to do. Luckily, we have no kids and it would be an easy split (is there such a thing?) I don't even know if my H is enough of a man to come back to me b/c he knows that he has hurt my and my family/friends. It would take guts, and I don't know if he is capable. Yet, I don't know if I am ready to throw away all that we had- he was the most devoted person when we were dating. <p>Sorry this is so long!

Advice Seeker,

You seem to be handling this very difficult situation pretty well. Just keeping your sanity at a time like this can be difficult. You sound pretty level-headed.

I am not going to advise you to give up on your marriage, but from what I have read (and perhaps experienced, but it still to be seen) the earlier infidelity appears in a marriage, the worse the prognosis.

I have some questions for you:

You say your H was still living with his mother before you married. Was she involved in his decision to marry you?

You say you were "together" for 5 years before marriage. What exactly do you mean? Were you living together?

I'm not one to ever advise divorce, and I think you have to take your time about this decision, but honestly, a husband or wife who would be unfaithful this early in the marriage would be very hard to trust down the road. I suggest you read "Love must be tough", by Dobson also. I found it quite sensible.

I hope Happy_Husband replies on your thread. He is a very insightful man, and might give you some useful advice.

-AD

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 01:52 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,<p>Thank you for responding to my post. Yes, today I am doing fairly well. Yesterday was another story though. I am just trying to keep my head above water. Luckily, I have a very large support group- it is funny, they all seem to feel as betrayed as me. Everyone loved my H and it is like he has slapped them in the face as well.<p>I am sorry to hear about your situation. Are you still in Plan A? How are you holding up?

H's mother was definitely supportive of his decision to marry me, but he made the decision completely on his on. As a matter of fact, he was so into our engagement (and we were engaged for close to two years because I wanted to complete school) that he had a daily countdown. My family used to make fun of him for this (in a fun way).<p>H and I were dating three years and engaged two years before marriage. I am 99% sure he was faithful- he was very into us and we were with each other almost all of the time. I think with him, alot of the problems stemmed from the responsibility of "real life." We both lived at home while we dated, I was in law school and he worked. It was easy to always have fun at this stage, we didn't have to worry about paying a mortgage or keeping a house running. Also, I changed with the responsibility of a new home- I was anal retentive and, to be truthful, a nag. Not a good enough reason for him to begin an A, but I do understand that he saw the OW as an escape from real life. In essence- she replaced the "fun" person I was before marriage.<p>In addition, we disconnected at the end because of our schedules. He should have come to me with his "issues" but I am afraid he turned to her instead. She was always there- they ate lunch together (in a group) and frequently went to happy hour together. He told me alot about her because in his mind she was only a friend. <p>According to H (and who knows what to believe) the PA didn't begin until we were separated and only happened twice. But, I do know that while we were working on "us" after we first got back together, he lied to me and went to her house (I was at a wedding). <p>I see your point about walking away now, but then I wonder if we could learn from this experience and make our marriage work for us. I know what I have done wrong, and I hope he is coming to terms with what he did wrong. Do keep in mind that I am an eternal optimist and that I tend to focus on the good in people. In a situation like this, I may be setting myself for a huge let down. <p>I am definitely taking things slow- for now I am not contacting him and trying to improve me. I just ordered "Tough Love" off the internet, and can't wait to read it. I am reading everything I can on Affairs's- kind of an obsession.<p>But, not having contact with someone who I regarded as my best friend for 6 years is extremly difficult. I am ALWAYS thinking of him and want to call him. I do still talk to his mother, but I think she tells me things I want to hear. I also think my contact with her is a way to hold on. <p>From information I have gathered (various sources) he is distancing from OW and turning to another female co-worker. I liked her and hope she is just being a temporary shoulder to cry on. I do not know if this is good or bad- I do not want him to get involved in another EA, yet I want him to get away from OW and have someone to talk to. He does not have a large support network like I do. <p>Sorry for rambling. Thanks for listening. I love hearing people's insight [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Advice Seeker,

I think you are on the right track in identifying your contribution to the weakness in your marriage. Taking on the new house and losing the fun is a major issue, I'm sure. Also, you noticed your schedule problems. I suggest that you think about changing your schedules so that (when you get back together) you will be able to spend more time together. Also, make the work related to the house FUN. If everything has to be done perfectly (your way or his way), then it won't be fun. Remember the house is there to serve you, not you there to serve the house.

Possibly your H had some immaturity issues as well. He wanted all the trappings of success, but none of the responsibilities - or at least was unwilling to dig in and do what needed to be done and make it fun. It is really remarkable to be able to buy a house that quickly after finishing school.

You have clearly identified some issues to work on. Probably there are others - in the LB (love busters) catagory. I wish you every success in trying to save your marriage. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

-AD

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 01:53 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Hi as,
Please read this thread taken from Notable Posts on Just Found Out forum to help you understand Plan B, in case you haven't read it yet...<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html<p>And here's part 2:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html<p>Keep us updated on your progress! We care! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

AS,<p>Just one point to make, I don't know if there's anything you can or should do about it, but here it is. If WH is seeking advice and consolation from ANOTHER woman, nothing good can come of it. He SHOULD be seeking that understanding and support from a SAME SEX friend. This is pretty much the basic premise of the Harley principles. <p>Your H is vulnerable right now, and some of his ENs are now being met by OW#2. She's now depositing love units into his bank....and after a time, there'll be an emotional attachment,leading to what????<p>Like I said, I don't know what you should do about that. One possibility is to maybe approach his closest MALE friend and try to bring him up to speed a little. Maybe ask HIM to get you H to confide in him.<p>I don't know if that's wise advice or not, or if there are other better alternatives.<p>Hopefully, someone else will chime in on that topic.<p>Kev

Thank you all for your responses. I wish I had read Dr. Harvey's books BEFORE marriage. I definitely was uncompromising in the marriage- I wanted things my way- especially with the new house. I loved your comment AD, "Remember the house is there to serve you, not you there to serve the house." That is so true, and I am going to try to live by that motto. <p>I hope H gives me the opportunity to change. As I mentioned earlier, we did have a wonderful two months, and I consider those months to be my Plan A. I hope he thinks of that often. I often wonder if he is thinking about me as often as I am thinking about him. Is he as "hurt" as I am? His mother did tell me that he is still getting up every morning and getting sick. Is it bad of me to feel good about this? I want to know that he is also suffering.<p>BinthereDunthat- thanks for the Plan B threads. I am really struggling with this "no contact" thing- and this has helped me to re-focus. I wish I knew if he was still involved with OW and what his status is with OW #2. But, I really have no way of finding out this information since H and I have no contact. <p>I do have a fear that he is too afraid to come back because of the damage he has caused. Not necessarily because of me, but because of everyone else he would have to face. I don't know what to do about that. My friend did tell me that if he is not man enough to swallow his pride- then I don't want him anyway. I guess that is true.<p>AD- you were so right with the immaturity issues. He is the product of a very loving, but smothering mother. She didn't allow him to grow up. Sad.<p>Kevco- I am afraid you are right about OW#2, but I do not know what to do about it. I have her e-mail address- do I contact her to discuss this issue. Actually, I know the answer to this already- I would be trying to control a situation that needs to play out on its own. <p>He does have one friend (male) I could ask to help him- an older friend who he coaches soccer with. But, I do not know if it is appropriate to get someone else involved. <p>Thanks again all. Let me know your thoughts.