I have recently found out that my husband had an affair with an 18 yr old. (apparently sexless affair). I had suspected it, but he denied it. It went on for perhaps a year and has been over with for some time as he has explained it to me. The reason I found out is that I found letters that she wrote to him. She is about 25 yrs his junior. She works for him a couple hrs a week and takes classes from him. So getting her out of the picture is apparently not possible. Our marriage has been rough for some time, but I wanted to stick with it. I did not know however that he was seeing her. Now he is feeling guilty and says that he does not deserve being forgiven and that I am too good for him. He wants a trial separation to see if the "is anything left between us". I think he got that phrase from his lawyer. I do not wish to separate. I am willing to forgive and try to renew our relationship. I don't think it is necessary to separate. Is that wrong? Should we separate? It would be a great inconvenience to me as that I would have to leave andI don't want to. Is it possible to heal without separation? Please don't say counseling because neither of us like counselors. I have had a long history of jealousy as all the girls love him and I have been suspicious before, but this is the first time that he has actually fell for another girl. I confronted to girl and she denied any sex of any kind. I do not even know if that makes me feel any better because I know now all (or some)of the things they did together that was so much fun. Stupid as it may seem I want to smash her face in more than I want to his. Isn't it ironic that he is the one who cheated and now I have to beg to keep our relationship together. I am in desperate need of advice. I for some reason am willing to forgive, but he doesn't think he deserves it. Please advise. Thank you, Wheat [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Wheat,<p>I'm sorry to hear about your pain, please know that this can be a safe haven for you to vent, seek advice and prayers, and get guidance and perspective.<p>Read EVERYTHING you can on this site. Go to the main page and read the articles and FAQs. Read on Plan A, and possibly check the bookstore for some useful titles (particularly "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs".<p>Go to the JUST FOUND OUT board and read the welcome thread and others. This particular board has much more traffic, and so your responses will be quicker.<p>Know that your marriage CAN be saved, but BOTH of you have to want it for it to really work.<p>Love yourself and God first.<p>Prayers,
Kev

Welcome to MB, Wheat.<p>I'm so sorry for your circumstance that brought you here.<p>They are many wise, caring people here that can help you. Kev is right, read everything on this site. Learn the Harley's principals and apply them to your Marriage. Even if your H's A is still on-going, using the Harley's methods you can not only save your Marriage, but you can rebuild it and make it better than you ever imagined. But it is work, and you being the BS most of that work will fall on your shoulders.<p>Once you've done some reading, come here and ask questions. We're here to help. Most of us have been thru it and back again. <p>I will say one thing regarding your situation, most times when a WS wants to separate, their real intentions are to make it easier to continue the A. They use excuses such as needing space, or time to think, or just a change of scenery. Harley states this in his books, and from my experience of being on this site for 1+ years, I'd have to agree.<p>Prayers and God Bless, Wheat.<p>Love,
Jo

I want to thank you all for writing me back as I have never done any writing with people on the internet. Thank you for your concerns. Actually to let you know I confronted her again again and she actually made up the stuff they did in desperation apparently. So they really did not do anything and they definitely did not have sex or anything else. As far as him wanting to separate, I am going to explain that in a new topic in another letter. Again thanks for your prayers and concerns. It feels good to talk to someone about it, fortunately I have a very good friend who listens to me also. Sincerely,Wheat.