As part of my Plan A, I haven't been pressuring WH to end the affair. Partly because I think it would be a big LB (usually discussions of the A turn into a fight), partly because I think it is a good strategy since I am pretty sure OW is pressuring him to move back in with her and file for D again -- and that if I don't do that, home will be a more pleasant environment.<p>I did tell him way back that I wanted him to cut it off with her and have no contact. Since that time, we don't really talk about it. It's like a big elephant in the room that's not acknowledged.<p>WH supposedly has been trying to decide between me and OW since shortly after D-Day. I'm getting tired of this game. All I've seemed to accomplish is enabling him to become a cakeman. <p>My C thinks there's something wrong with me to allow this to go on so long and not demand that WH either ends it or moves out. I think C is right to some extent, but I'm not sure if that would be consistent with doing a good Plan A.<p>Something has to change here to end this stalemate and get WH moving towards ending the A.<p>Any ideas? Should I or shouldn't I start to push WH to end the A? If so, any ideas for non-LBing approaches?

Realistically you can't push him to do anything he doesn't want to do and if you find a way then you'll likely be pushing him farther away from you. The only control you have is over yourself and how you decide to cope with the challenges he brings to your life.

HI, you hit it right on the nose.

Hi, Silver,<p>Have you read Harley's books? Particularly SAA? <p>As for your question: "H can I push the WH to end the A?" There is NO clear-cut answer to that! You can't! ALl you can do is work on YOU....<p>Sounds like you might be ready to go to Plan B. This won't necessarily end the A, but should "push" him in one direction or the other. <p>I'm sorry I have no better advice than this. Someone else might, tho! If you are a believer in such, I KNOW prayer is working for me!<p>God Bless,
Lupo

You can't do anything to help the A end. If OW is putting pressure on him it very well could be dieing now. That is what happened in my case. They do not want to be pressured in any way.<p>How long have you been in Plan A? Need to plan A for at least 6 months. (not easy)<p>In time the A will end and your WH will be ready to listen. But not while the A is going on.<p>Just pray OW pressures him too much and he dumps him or she finds someone else. She will get tired of waiting.<p>
Stay strong and Plan A<p>
SLH

What you are all saying about how I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to is absolutely right on. I know that and lost sight of it. Thank you for reminding me.<p>I guess a lot of the doubt in my mind today comes from the C, who thinks I decided to sit back do nothing and just let this all happen to me. But Plan A really is a decision to do something. It's just not the conventional, readily understood and accepted by most people reaction of "throw the bum out." Plan A actually takes much more strength, dedication, and courage to execute than just calling it quits on the spot.<p>HI, What you said about controlling how I cope with the challenge is very true. I do believe I am doing that. I have decided to work on getting stronger and coping with this rather than just curling up into a little ball in the corner and falling apart. I could have gone that way very easily.<p>Lupo, I've been looking for it, but haven't been able to find SAA in a local bookstore yet (can't mail order it and have WH see it). I'm not ready for Plan B (that one does take more guts than I have at this time), and I do find that prayer helps too.<p>SLH, I've been in Plan A since September, so i've got a few more months to go. I hope this A dies a natural death soon.

SR,<p>Here's a little tidbit of information from the "Meet Dr. Harley" link on the Home page:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples. <p>In 1973 he discovered that he was not alone in his failure to save marriages -- almost everyone in the marital therapy profession were also failing. So he spent the next two years designing an entirely new approach (see How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages). When his success rate climbed to over 90% in 1977, he resigned from his teaching position to counsel full-time. <hr></blockquote><p>Next time you see your C, ask what THEIR success has been in saving Marriages. Then tell them to butt the he&#0124;&#0124; out.<p>Hope this eases your anxiety caused by the C.<p>Kev

SilverRose,<p>Have you looked for the Harleys' books at a Christian bookstore? In my town the regular bookstores don't carry affair recovery books, just divorce recovery ones. I have to go the the Christian bookstores to find books on rebuilding and saving marriages.<p>Best wishes, Estes

I read once that most people make it less than a month in plan A when the WS is still involved with OP and living at home.<p>I lasted 3 weeks. Then I had to go to plan B.<p>Have you had any counseling sessions with the Harley's? I would definately recommend it...<p>Keep up plan A as long as you can handle it. You are a very strong woman to last almost 2 whole months already!!!<p>If you want to bring up the affair in a non-LB way, how about, during a nice quite time, you can say:<p>I don't want to fight. I've been thinking alot about OW lately, and I wanted to let you know that it really hurts me to think you are putting us against each other and trying to decide between us. What I would like is to have an awesome marriage again, one where we can <insert stuff here> again. That is my wish for my future, I am not sure what your wish is for your future, but I want you to know that I will accept whatever decision you make. I may not like it, it may hurt me, but I accept that it is your decision to make. I love you.<p>Basically, you want to use I statements, tell him how you feel, do not blame him, don't make him feel guilty (you did this so I'm hurt is guilt). He may feel guilty on his own, but as long as you don't instigate it, it is not your fault. Tell him what you want for the future.<p>If you do it this way, then it is not an LB. If you blame him, or specifically bring up the affair in order to cause a fight or make him defensive,then that will turn out to be an LB.<p>If he gets all mad, just say, I'm sorry, I don't want to fight about OW. I just wanted to let you know how I feel inside - and LEAVE IT ALONE. If he's picking a fight, just ignore him, don't give in...<p>Good luck.
HbH

Boy do I feel your pain! Keep plan A-ing if you can do it! If it is starting to withdraw too many &#8216;love units&#8217; from your love bank, it might be time for plan B. If you&#8217;re able to keep up with plan-A, I really think it is better! Just work on filling your WS&#8217;s EM&#8217;s and try not to LB. If you can continue with plan-A, it will give your WS more time to see what he has! And more time for the OP to LB!<p>My WH continued to live at home after D-day and it hurt so bad because I knew he was still seeing her! He slept in the spare bedroom and I just survived day to day! I was fortunate to have a great counselor that was also inexpensive so I saw her quite often. The OW couldn't stand the idea that he was living at home with me and put the pressure on him to move out. He moved out twice within 2 months but each time it only lasted a couple of days. He didn't know what he wanted and was very confused. I continued to be supportive, and believe me it wasn&#8217;t easy. <p>I cautiously can say that we are finally recovering! I am afraid to be too optimistic! I don&#8217;t want to feel any more pain!<p>You are in my prayers! Prayer is what kept me strong and gave me the most peace! Peace is what I prayed for the most and when I was having a weak moment, God always showed me something positive that gave me hope to continue!<p>Losta Sunshine!<p>Le<p>[ November 08, 2001: Message edited by: Moving Forward ]</p>

Silverrose<p>You are a strong person. Things will get better stay in Plan A. I feel he will come around. My WH took 3 1/2 months to come around and now the A is ended and there is no contact.<p>Tonight on the phone he even told me he loved me. I haven't heard those words in over a year. My WH never left home. (oh he wanted to and even said he was, but never did)<p>Good luck and stay strong.<p>
SLH<p>Hurt by Hubby,
My WH A lasted 3 1/2 months before it ended and he never left home.

Hmmmm.... I think it might be time for you to consider finding a new counselor???

Silverrose - you've gotten good advice above.<p>Remember WAT's Rule #2: Don't be in a hurry. There is little, if anything, you can do to separate the
affairees. They have to do this on their own. The affair will end. To hasten it's end, do not interfere with it.<p>The whole point of Plan A is to eliminate the reasons you contributed to the environment that permitted the affair to occur. Take away all the affairee's excuses. When you detect new excuses and new revisionist history chapters, you'll know you're being successful. Then, all you can do is wait and not LB.<p>Have you ever tried to convince a drunk NOT to drink? Same thing. But let me offer to further the analogy to help explain why it's so important NOT to LB - when you LB it's like pouring him another drink.

Aaah, so your counselor thinks you are a victim does she?<p>Simply tell your C that you have CHOSEN to stay where you are, chosen to Plan A, and chosen to take responsibilty for your life, and for your own behavior in your marriage that led to the environment where an A was possible.<p>Your C thinks you are a powerless victim. You need a new C.<p>You've got lots of power and lots of choices here. It's your life and your marriage.<p>As everyone else said, there's nothing you can do to make him end the A. Pressure is a HUGE LB.<p>In my situation, the OW began to pressure, and to LB constantly, demanding more and more commitment and changes. <p>It sent him running right back home...because I "loved him for who he was" (his words).

silverrose--<p>I am in agreement with things said already. I think you need a new counselor. One who supports you, not one who thinks something is wrong with you! You are a strong person. You deserve more, and your faithfulness WILL pay off. Just know that you are doing the right thing. The affair will die a natural death. Be the wife you are supposed to be and the ow will try to pressure your h. That is when all **** will break loose. I know it is hard living like you do, but keep your faith in God, and keep praying! Your prayers will be answered!<p>Hugs,
Krystal