<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Hi Jo! Long time... neat thread. <p>My WH has been at my place for the past month. Two weeks of recovery from back surgery (disc and nerve damage). Sigh. First two weeks were easy. He's been a great plan-er, no LBs on his part. Been great with the kids and trying to be really supportive around here. <p>We've been doing a lot of talking and it sounds to me more and more like SA on his part -- something he won't even explore because he says it happened "only" six times. I've tried to explain that it's not the frequency, it's the motive behind it. But I'll lay off for now and bring it up with MC in solo session, see what he has to say. <p>The surgery and is recovery have been really, really hard on me emotionally. I had breast surgery in Feb '00 and he chose to have two PA's while I was recovering. Talk about a trigger... Here I am nursing him back to health and what did I get when I needed the same? Not only was I ignored (mostly) but he wondered for weeks on end why I wasn't cleaning the house more often or why I had to nap so much during the day. Yes, it's all iin the past, and no the guy who's upstairs right now probably would be very different if it happened to me again. Still, the memories are painful and acute right now. <p>Don't know how recovery is going. I want it to work out, I will continue working; he wants nothing more than to move back in, be with his family and prove himself. I'm terrified. Our impasse is the SA question (and if you don't deal with it it's more likely to recur)and my doubt about "the truth" (seems to be a common hang up, though). <p>Kids are happy, I'm so-so, H is hopeful. And here come the Holidays. Yikes!<p>Snow

H and I are doing okay. We're 5 1/2 months into recovery, so the 'honeymoon' phase of it has long gone [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . <p>My biggest problem has been the time he's been spending with a guy friend of his. However, the good news (for me [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ) is that buddy might be getting involved with a new gal. That will mean less time with my H. Woohoo!!! I know it'll happen that way... it always does... we've all done it.<p>I discovered the other day that I haven't recovered quite as well emotionally as I had thought. I found a piece of paper in H's jacket (I put in on to go outside for a smoke) which read, "coffee sometime ***-****". I freaked! It was like d-day all over again. My body started shaking all over, and the anger began to surface. And then I LB'd. I didn't just ask H what it was. Instead, I called the number. It was for a pager. And who called back? Buddy guy friend did. Apparently 'coffee sometime' is some joke between them. I didn't find it very funny. H still doesn't understand why I reacted the way I did. I realized that the trust level is still pretty low, because before calling the number, I made the conscious decision to NOT ask H about it, because I knew I wouldn't believe what he told me anyways. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I obviously need to work on that.<p>In other news, in 365 days I will be 30 (today's my 29th b-day). Nothing exciting here. Not even so much as a card from H. We've been together for 6 1/2 yrs, and I've only ever received ONE b-day card from him. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And finally, on Wednesday (Nov 14th), I'm heading in to the hospital for surgery. Oh, it's elective surgery - I'm getting a tubal ligation, so NO MORE KIDS!!! WOOHOO!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] (4 boys - 3 here, 1 in heaven - is enough for me! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>Karen

Up Up Up [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Been separated for 2 months. WS sounds like he is coming out of the fog. He knows the OW will not last but this is very complex and not easily solved. BEST OF ALL, I have changed. I decided to forgive OW, get closure and move on. I e-mailed her and it felt so great to FORGIVE. She repsonded. She is not happy either and doesn't know what the future holds for her. I gave her this site to get some perspective. <p>I feel as though God has healed and truly retored my soul just like I asked him. No more obsessing and fixing but I, now, know I do not need a man to make me happy. I feel neutralized and ready for life with or without WS. I can live life single or we need to start from scratch.<p>What a wonderful place to be,
TW

Hey Jo,<p>Life couldn'd be better for me and Gina. We are still fixing up her house, drywalling, wiring, insulating and generally demolishing the inside and making it great.<p>I kinda sort of got a Siberian Husky named Dakota. My XGF [the one I was hanging with after both our long term relationships crumbled in 1999] from years and years ago bought it a few months earlier and found out she was allergic to it. Chele knew that I always wanted a Siberian, so guess who she called first? The fact is that she [the dog, not the XGF] is living at G's place right now. I am never here [at my house] and usually at work playing ambulance or at G's place playing Bob Vila or sometimes Tim Allen depending on the task at hand, so... I figure as soon as Gina potty trains the doggy and can stop her from eating everything that doesn't move I will bring her [the dog] to my house. Hey, I have expensive furniture [thanks Val] and don't want the dog to eat my sofa, entertainment center, the cats, the Trans Am or my bed.<p>Valerie AKA XW still calls me to this day some two years and some odd months after D day. She just called today and unfortunately I was working. I'm sure it was important, but, she forgot to leave a message. Maybe her dog [Squiggy] had another flea. No poop, she called me last month to tell me of the same. She kind of downplayed the fact that her BF had fallen off a roof and broke three bones. Hum...<p>Like my formerly know as "Bunches" [Val] told me after I found out about the A, "things happen for a reason". Now, I believe it. Life couldn't be better for me and "Snuggles" [yes, Gina]. Can you see that I like cutsie names for my sweetie? I'm happier than I have ever been in a long time. I can be **me** again. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I have been on the board off and on for years now. After my husband came home in June of 2000 things were going fine. We spent tons of time doing things together. Sex was back on track. When asked if OW was contacting him, he would say no and that for all he knew she found someone else and maybe married them. I had some suspicions at times but he was real good at reassuring me that everything was fine and I had no need to worry. He told me he would never leave me. I just started to feel safe. I was thinking how nice it would be to have a party on our 25th wedding anniversary next summer. Maybe renew our wedding vows. We never had a big wedding, just a trip to city hall to get married. Just thought a celebration would be nice for all we have been through together.<p>A little less than a month ago I got hit hard and am still in a state of shock. I was waiting for my husband to come home from work. He was late. When I called him at work earlier he said he would be home at the regular time. Three hours after his expected return home someone knocked at the door and served me divorce papers.<p>I am pretty much at my ropes end and am not sure I would want to ever believe a word he says again. I don't think I can ever go through it again. He has moved out 3 times now and this is the second serving of divorce papers. Our two young adult daughters living at home have been decieved as well.They saw all was well, so they thought. One of them does not even want to see him ever again. My other girl would see him to just give him a piece of her mind. <p>I am off to plan B. If he wants to come back I am really unsure I would take him back. Maybe in time I would if he could show remorse. I know that OW has overpowered him. She pushed him over the fence. I know that this is a strong addiction he has toward her. OW is obsessed and seems to stop at nothing to see he divorces me and then make him marry her. Maybe we have to have this divorce and maybe he will then see the light. Maybe not. In any case plan B allows me to move on a bit in case he never comes back.

OK, OK.<p>I'm alive and doin' fine.<p>Anybody want a dog? No? OK, how 'bout two dogs?<p>Sorry, that's all I can say.

I've been meaning to update for months and months, but never do. Everytime this thread gets bumped I feel a little more guilty, so here it is.<p>W had internet EA for about a year, ending sometime between June-August '01. D-day late April. Never met OM (planned, but cancelled). W went online as escape from family problems. I don't think there has been communication (with OM) since about August, haven't asked so I don't know for sure.<p>June-August was honeymoon period, spent lots of time together--common bedtime was a big deal. September was big disconnect time (much travel). October ok. <p>Now, back to old games. W spends most of her time online (playing games), I'm "scenery". Does not bode well for the holidays (typically a bad time for "us"). I've been withdrawing a bit, going to bed hours before W (my reaction when I get "neglected"). Surprisingly, I've been pretty cheerful lately, except for evenings.<p>I'm sure by next week things will have changed for the better. What's the saying? The only thing constant is change? <p>Jeffers

My update...<p>Following a five-month separation my W(WS) returned home in August.<p>I guess we are in "recovery" but some days I am not sure.<p>Some days have been OK some have been rough since she moved back home.<p>I say I guess we are in "recovery" because I have not seem some of the things others in recovery have mentioned.<p>As an example, there has been no recovery "honeymoon" for sure. At times we seem to be wandering around issues.<p>I am still missing the affection and SF I had hoped would be part of a true recovery. <p>We have not given up. My W keeps telling me it will take time and that I need to stick with it and not get frustrated. She continues to tell me she loves me.<p>We are seeing a counselor together and that seems to help. She (the C) says the same thing--this is a process and it takes time. She seems to be pretty optimistic about us so that's good.<p>I keep plugging away every day trying my best...it's all that I can do.<p>Good luck to all. <p>E

I think H's A is over. I have full control of his cell phone info (of which he is not aware) and have found nothing suspicious for at least a month. However, they still work together, and while he originally claimed that it would not be a problem because he "can go through the whole shift without ever going around where she is", he finally admitted a couple weeks ago that she does come up to him and try to initiate conversation. He claimed he just acts cold and walks away. Anyway, all of his non-work time is accounted for, so the only interaction they could possibly have is at work, so who knows?<p>Because of the work situation and his unwillingness to talk about the A and take responsibility for it (still tends to blame me) and his continuing of the same marriage-destructive behaviors he exhibited both before and during the A, I consider myself to be in plan A and not yet in recovery because I feel like I'm the only one trying.<p>We did start Retrouvaille, went to the weekend and two followup sessions, but he has not been willing to do the daily assignment for the last six days in a row. I after 2 or 3 days of refusals, I quit asking him to do it with me. The 3rd followup is Wed, so we'll see what happens.<p>He went into a rage this weekend and has been in his cave ever since. Despite an apology and no LB responses from me, he rebuffs my efforts at affection and conversation and has not touched me in three days (he told me when we reconciled back in September that he wanted sex every day). He left for work today w/o saying good-bye and is acting like he did during the A (he told me I could trust he was being faithful by his behavior because he "can't do both"), so I wonder if he expects me to interpret his behavior as being in affair mode again--part of his blame-shifting about the A was that I "should have known!"<p>He warmed up some tonight, but this is a pattern whenever I displease him in some way. He will toss me aside for several days, then start acting normal again like nothing ever happened. It is very disorienting. He's either hot or cold.<p>I think H is in MLC because he is jeopardizing all of his significant relationships, not just the M. He has actually said the words MLC and says that he "just doesn't care" about pretty much everything.<p>My doctor started me on Wellbutrin today, so we'll see if that helps me to function better.<p>My current plan is to continue the Retrouvaille program if H is willing. If he peters out on that or if I am still unsatisfied with the M by the time it is completed in January (whichever comes first), I'm going to suggest counseling with the Harleys or some other viable marriage building alternative of his choice. If he refuses that or drops out of that and/or there is still lack of progress, then I will consider plan B for April.<p>As for me, I still have daily triggers and nightmares and spiral down real fast when he rejects me, but each time I recover my equilibrium quicker, I think because I'm becoming more and more detached (!). Most of the time I feel like the M is doomed, and I'm feeling more comfortable with that possible outcome.<p>Conqueror

Hello everyone!<p>I continue to think of us (H and I) as a success story. We continue to heal together...and grow stronger together. We have both learned to change/reshape ourselves so that we are more desirable to the other. We work hard at meeting the 15 hours/wk of "together time". We call each other daily from work, we send e-mails back and forth, we have Saturday date night, we practice POJA.<p>We are now a little over 2 years post d-day. It really does seem like a long time ago. The pain really does stop "smarting".<p>I was once the "eclipsed love"...but am now, once again, the "one, true love"-- see quote below [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Peace and Love to all of us on our journeys "home". ~Marie<p>[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: ohmy_marie ]</p>

H and I are in recovery, 2 very long and frustrating years now! There may be hope for us yet!!!!!!!!!!!1

My H and I are well into a pretty solid recovery. We just passed a year from D-Day and I feel so good knowing that he is very devoted to me now. I have been spot checking his computer activity [he was having an internet EA with a couple of old GF's] for a couple of months now so I am reassured that all is well.

Hi everyone,
What a great question....because we've just done a little evaluation this weekend....<p>We are definitely in recovery. Last contact was July 31st, 2 weeks after d-day. OW did write WH a note on 9/24, which he gave to me. I emailed her what amounted to a "no contact letter" but from me not my WH, who was already through withdrawal so I thought it best all communications go thru me. We haven't heard anything since. I think this was a last desparate act actually and feel fairly certain OW is gone for good. Rejection has a way of doing that. <p>We have been working on both of our EN's (they are the same) Affection, SF, Conversation, Recreation, and Admiration. As we have both gotten back into shape this year we both find that attractive partner one is pretty high on both our lists too! We talk on the phone when one of us is at work ALOT! Why weren't we doing this pre-A - who knows? We are a lot more affectionate with each other. We spend every Friday or Saturday mountain biking or biking with our son, and every other Thursday we have "date night"....we are actually spending more than the "required" 15 hours of quality time alone together. Overall, it's great.<p>I still have occasional moments of anxiety. I had one last Wednesday....went home and checked the spyware and phone recorder....and told WH how I was feeling. He just told me this weekend he did't go mountain biking on Thursday morning because neither of his mb buddies (both men) could go and he didn't want to be gone for two hours in a situation where I couldn't verify his whereabouts. I told him that by Thursday morning I was 'over it' but that he was concerned and changed his behavior because of his concern was awesome.
I asked him the other night if sometimes he "forgets" what happened this summer. He said yes, and we sort of looked at each other...and then started laughing...I said I "forget" sometimes too....<p>I think things are going to be ok.
LLL