I have battled with the question of contacting the OM Wife to let her know what her H and my W are up to (EA). It is now supposedely over but you all know the feeling "How can she act so cold and unempathetic if she is not still seeing him?"<p>I told my W that I was going to contact the OM wife and she flipped. "Why would you do that?", "Do you realize what that will do to his family?" "What business is it of yours?" Wow you want to talk about LB's......I snapped!" <p>"What business is it if mine!!?!?!?" This is my life and if I am going to be in utter agony so is this son of a *****!"<p>The bottom line is I did not contact the OM's Wife although Sometimes I think I should just so all the cards are on the table.<p>Has anyone ever done this?? If so...right choice?...Wrong choice?... I'd like to here from the BS's and The WS's point of view.<p>Thanks.<p>[ November 09, 2001: Message edited by: wantwife4life ]<p>[ November 09, 2001: Message edited by: wantwife4life ]</p>

I think that I may be qualified to answer this question as a 2x former OW.<p>The first time I was the OW I had NO idea that my "boyfriend" had a girlfriend/fiance. When I got pregnant I told his fiance [not knowing that they even knew one another] who I was pregnant by. She had a nervous breakdown and stalked ME! Talk about shooting the messanger.<p>In the second situation I made a conscious decision to have an EMA with a very old friend of mine who was seperated from his wife. They got back together and we never broke up. In my anger there were MANY times that I wanted to tell. Turns out she already knew. And honestly seemed not to care.<p>My advice: no matter what you decide, proceed with cation because just because you were wronged in this situation that won't keep you from getting kicked in the teeth.

I know a lot of people will not agree with me and I have never been in your shoes but....<p>I think you should tell. I also think you should do it not from a point of getting back at anyone but rather from a point to bring it all to a head so there is no more secrets. I think it should all be out in the open so all parties can deal with it. Remember, you didn't do anything wrong. You did not ruin OM or his W life - the OM and your wife did. They need to be held accountable and accept the consiquences of what they did. Also if it was just an EA it is a precautionary to stop a PA before it starts.

WantWife-<p>I also think you should go ahead and contact her.<p>I told my WH (without LB) that I was going to find OW husband and find out both sides of the story. I think he did not believe me untill I
told him that I did find him and contacted him. He really did not like it.<p>By all means get in touch with OM wife. I feel you have nothing to lose by doing tis,

I guess my HUGE caution is that just because you're doing the right thing, that doesn't mean that this won't bite you in the [censored].

I should probably try to describe where (I think) we are right now. My W agreed never to see or talk to the OM again and as far as I can tell she has kept her word. We started recovery after the first month I noticed that she was beginning to act very distant again. So I confronted her and asked her if she had communicated with the OM and she said "now that you mention it I did see him 4 days ago at the kids soccer game. And I do believe it was not planned as I was supposed to go with her and canceled at last second. I think this put us right back to square 1, but again, I think she is making an effort by not calling him. I have spoken to the OM and told him under no-circumstances is he to contact my W again or we would have some serious problems AND I would contact his W. He seemed to get the message.<p>At this point I guess I'm afraid that I might stir the pot if I contact the OM wife and make the OM want to contact my W again even more. It's a tough decision to make. I guess I will contact the OM wife if I have absolute proof they are still seeing each other. I might kick his [censored] to.<p>Thank you all so much for all your input.<p>Hang in there.

I told OM #1 fiance (sp?). Talk about a LBer for my wife. She has not and probably won't forgive me for that. His future W, took it pretty good I think. Although she was very hurt by it. <p> AND, knowing that I caused, by way of telling her, the kind of pain I have....well it was/is not an easy thing to live with.<p> You have a right to tell, just as she has a right to know. What you do need to realize is that it won't help your situation with you WS at all. And will likely make things worse between the two of you.<p> Good luck with whatever you decide.<p> jd<p> PS. I did not tell OM #2's live-in girlfriend. Even though wife told me to. I think she had it in her head that it would cause them to split up and MY wife could then have him to herself. NO easy answers on this kind of deal. For sure a LBer.

I would have considered it an act of kindness and decency if someone had contacted me and told me what my GUT "knew" was happening. I was torn to shreds trying to figure out what was going on -even after it had ended, I just KNEW something had happened and had no peace until I found out. <p>I consider it much WORSE to suspect something is wrong and NOT KNOW than to find out the truth, no matter how bad. Living in the dark is pure torture for me and finding out was an utter relief, albeit a painful one. At least when you know the truth, you can make an INFORMED decision about your life! When you don't know the truth, you can do nothing but guess and wonder if you are INSANE for having such suspicions. <p>When I did find out, I contacted the OW and she told me the whole story because she was quite upset that my H had been lying to her and ME. She was very apologetic to me and had no idea that he was still married. <p>The bottom line is that I consider it an act of kindness and decency to inform someone that they are being [or have been] stabbed in the back so they can take action to protect themselves and thier children.

P.S. I also think it is an act of abject selfishness to WITHHOLD this information out of SELFISH FEAR that the person might get MAD at you. Granted, that might happen, but that is a very selfish, self serving reason to avoid doing the right thing.

My advice to you is to call the other H.Not only does he deserve to know,but you are an accomplice in the lie,if you don't tell him.My H was/is involved in EA.The reason I put the slash in,is because even though he tells me that he is no longer speaking to OW,he has told me that before,and it was a lie.I called the other H,he was very receptive to what I told him,without calling me crazy,or insecure,like my own H.I apologized for having to tell him,but still felt as though I wasn't responsible for the hurt THEY had put us through.I don't think your mind will rest unless you tell him.Let the guilty one's deal with the outcome.I will pray for all of you. It's not an easy decision,but the right one seldom is. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you all for your opinions. All of us are living a terrible nightmare. I know we will all sleep well again....someday.<p>Take Care. <p>WW4L

WW4L,<p> Look this is hard stuff. Sure it is the right thing to do to tell the other BS. But, as sorry as I am to say it, you don't owe it to anyone to tell anything. <p> If you are following Plan A, it is your RESPONSIBILITY not to LB your wife. I am telling you it WILL be a LBer, as her reaction has already shown. <p> Trust me, it won't make you feel ANY better about any of this. Plus you will know the pain this person is now in. Yes she deserves to know. Yes it is the right thing. But is it? Right enough that anyone could do it if they knew it could be the final nail in their marriage coffin?<p> I'm not telling you not to tell her. But you had better think it through very well. It is easy for us to say what we would do, or what we believe. We are not in your situation. <p> Can your marriage stand this real LBer and get over it? All I am saying is to make sure you are prepared to live with the possible side effects of making the OM life miserable. Right or Wrong. It doesn't matter. You don't owe anyone anything. <p> AND, I for one do not think it is being SELFISH. That was what your W and the OM were being. <p> jd

want - we aired out this question pretty well here back in July. Here's the link to the thread.<p>This question predictably comes up pretty often. Maybe the thread should be nominated for the "Notable Posts, Threads" list.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=010495<p>WAT

ww4l,<p>I've asked this question many times here (at different phases of recovery). Here is the best advice I received. While in Plan A you don't want to do ANYTHING that will make you look like the bad person in this situation. I wanted to tell the OW's husband just because I felt he deserved to know, though I'm sure he suspected it if nothing else. But telling him (even if it was the right thing to do, and something I had every right to do) would have really upset my H. So I was comfortable with my decision to keep my mouth shut.<p>However, there have been times when I've wondered if I made the right decision. For example...my H still works with the OW and claims that none of their co-workers knew about the A. After d-day he moved out for 2 months (though we still dated)and during this time the OW was out of town for training. Then he came back home and OW came back to work. I've often wondered if they still spend a lot of time at work together because that's what they are EXPECETED to do (since they always did in the past). I've wondered if they continue to go to lunch together so that noone will be suspicious of why they suddenly stopped doing these things. And part of me wishes that I would have gone crazy and told the whole world all the ugly things I know instead of covering up their lies. Then at least their co-workers would know what is going on...and if they did resume their relationship then EVERYONE would know.<p>But of course I think the optimal time to do this is right after d-day, and to do this now after recovery has begun would only put you farther behind in your recovery. So I would vote "no".<p>Hope this helps! Heck<p>[ November 11, 2001: Message edited by: heckofagal ]</p>

jd....Trust me, it won't make you feel ANY better about any of this. Plus you will know the pain this person is now in. Yes she deserves to know. Yes it is the right thing. But is it? Right enough that anyone could do it if they knew it could be the final nail in their marriage coffin?<p>snl....If one needs to act in a way to perserve their marriage at the expense of someone elses, the marriage is worth nothing anyways. You tell cause it is the right thing to do, it is an obligation everyone has to be their brothers keeper. If you know and don't tell, you BECOME one of the co-conspirators in allowing another human being to be violated.... looking out for you is the same argument witnesses of crime make, and that sucks too. If no one kept secrets, the world would be a much better place. Ideally the ws should tell, but if they don't, everyone who knows has an absolute obligation to do so. I can see giving someone some time to do the right thing, but clock should be ticking. <p>It makes no difference what the fallout is, whose marriage is hurt or not, who is fired or not, whose friends or relatives are estranged or not, makes no difference is irrelevant, keeping secrets only serves the best interests of one entiity...satan. Besides I know of no marriages that ended cause a bs revealed the truth....do you? It is a myth, it does make a difference how, if vindictive, then of course that should be an issue, but that should already be an issue if you are capable of it. But a secret revealed because it is the right thing to do, will always be recognized for the good it is, and it will have no effect on a ws worth keeping.<p>Being afraid your spouse will be LB'ed, or leave you for telling, has got to be the worst possible reason not to tell, it shouldn't even be a consideration. As the ws I fought tooth and nail for my bs not to tell, including threatening to leave immediately, and I might have.....but if I had, for that reason alone, I was not worth having anyways, cause I would be so pathetic. Anyways, I relaized after a short time I was being an a**hole about it, apologized to bs for treating her that way, asked her to not tell, give ow time to deal with it in her way, but if she told it was up to her, I would just deal with it.