Had a good day at school today. Didn't get out late tho--trying to catch up on some paper work. My daughter(10) walked over to my school to get a ride home. She reminded me that she had a birthday party to go to at 5 and we still had to get a present.<p>We stopped at a store on the way home. At the store, my phone rang and it was my H. He also tried to call last night when I was in the middle of my Divorce Recovery Class. I told him I would call him later. Well, our class didn't gt out until late and I didn't get home from KC until 11.<p>Well, my H called at the store and said he was mad. He was outside our house waiting for me to come home from work. He said he wanted to take the kids to his apt. for the weekend. <p>I told him he was to arrange this with Lisa. He got made at that. I told him Kaitie had a party to go to. H had already talked to Kyle. He had his backpack packed with jammies and toothbrush. I told H he had to be back at 2 to get ready for Mandy's birthday party. I also told him that if his girlfriend was going to be at his apt--he had no right to bring the kids there. <p>H got red in the face and angry. He said "You b****, I told you I would be alone." He said "Don't ever give me an altimatum again". I replied, in the first place, that was disrespectful, and in the second place, it wasn't an ultimatum--but a rule. If she was at the apt--the kids would not be allowed to go there. He cussed and swore. Kyle walked out and he said "Your mom is being a b**** again Kyle--you can't go." He ran inside the house.<p>I told Jim..."that's it...if you can't be decent and civil...the kids don't go." I went into the house. Kyle was sobbing. I told Kyle that he could go over night, but if Dad starts drinking or his OW shows up, he can call me and I will pick him up. It broke my heart to let him go.<p>I shouldn't have let him go. How disrespectful was that---he didn't arrange this with me. He yelled at me that he emailed me twice---and I was just being spiteful and not answering. Well, actually, my daughter put a block on his emails, and I didn't know about it until tonight. She has also been erasing his messages on our phone. H thinks I did all of that.<p>My heart is breaking that he has my son. I really hate this and feel so awful...I wish he would just drop dead. I hate him.

Is he not responsible with the kids? Because unless there is a problem with his parenting don't you think it would be a good idea for the kids to see thier dad and try to maintain some semblance of a relationship? I realize that he has done some despicable things to you [and his family!]and I know it's probably hard to turn those kids over to him so I sympathize with you there.

misery,<p>I'm so sorry that you are going through this. But remember this is not easy on your kids either. And I know it's hard to look out for someone else when you don't even want to get out of bed in the morning...but you have to help your children get through this. Do you have a schedule of when your H will have the kids? I'd try to set up a routine ASAP. Just try to remember that your children are innocent victims of this mess just like you. But they do need to maintain a relationship with their father (even if he is a creep.
Heck

Well, I'll sort of put a twist on things a bit and just say that I feel HORRIBLE reading your post. I don't think you did a thing wrong given the situation.<p>Your husband was being a creep. Yelling at you in front of the kids like that!!! Plus, he was the one that said your son couldn't go - NOT you. You simply told him the kids schedule for the weekend, if he doesn't like it - tough cookies. He doesn't have a schedule to see them, that's not YOUR fault. You do not have to be a doormat and succumb to his every whim just because HE says HE wants the kids. I'm sorry.<p>There's a HUGE difference between allowing your H to see the kids and be a part of their lives, and NOT letting him walk all over you and take advantage of that right. He was taking advantage of you tonight, and I think you dealt with it appropriately. Minor LBing, you told him what was up, and he just didn't like your answers. You let your son go with his dad when all was said and done, so you didn't end up prohibiting anything, you simply let your H know that you will not stand for this behavior again.<p>Well, there's an easy solution to that - work out a schedule you both can live with. That is what is best for the kids in the long run, and I hope you can work out some kind of arrangement to avoid these "surprises".<p>You do have the right to try and enforce that the kids not go there when OW is there. That is DEVASTATING to them, and you should by all means try your hardest to do that. Your husband may not comply, but you can do your best to try and make that happen, even if it means legal action.<p>Your husband was being a dic*, but in the end, you let your son go with him and hopefully he'll be back by 2pm so your son can go to the birthday party, as planned.<p>If you take a step back, you can understand how your H would be upset. He was trying to get the kids for the weekend, but it APPEARED to him that you were being a bit*h and trying to "get back" at him. Obviously, you weren't, and if you were able to communicate with him and tell him what happened, he would hopefully see that too. But, that does not excuse his behavour, especially in front of the kids. At least, if you understand why he was so mad, maybe it will help you to backoff and at least understand his actions. <p>Your only recourse from this, is to basically tell him the truth, not care if he believes it, and tell him in the future that you want a schedule to work these things out. You refuse to let your kids get hurt anymore over these types of things.<p>Good luck. MiM.
HbH

MNM,

I am sorry for what he is doing to you. He is a [censored]. This to me is the lowest form of life.<p> You need to set up that schedule and then stick to it. One thing I would remind you of tho is that if you get divorced he can take the kids around whomever he pleases. You may not like that, but you will have no say in it. <p> My point with telling you this is simply that you need to prepare for that NOW, by not getting excited or even worrying if the OW is around.<p> By the way, I know people in and around KC. Would you like me to have them pay your H a visit....hehe. Just kidding of course.<p> jd

Thanks everyone!!!<p>I have been trying to take some deep breaths and relax. I even took a hot bath.<p>I didn't realize I would feel so devastated when he took the kids. He was such a jerk. I really don't want him near me anymore--it just hurts too much. This was uncalled for tonight. He knew he was supposed to prearrange visits---but our relationship has always been just about him. I am so sick of it. I really wish he would fall off the face of the earth. <p>I know I am supposed to have a working relationship with him for the kids...and I know the little ones want to see them--but man is it ever hard. I didn't realize I hate him until tonight....at this point I hate everything about him. <p>This kind of anger I don't know how to get rid of. I don't think I can work with him....what he has done is unforgivable. <p>JB...I will take you up on your offer [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am really sick over this tonight....just when I think I am doing better...he pulls something like this. He also doesn't understand why I don't have money to pay the bills....gee I wonder....oh...it is just too much!

Hugzz...MnM...<p>My heart breaks over situations like this...there is no justification for the way he acts...<p>Just be prepared for the next time...visualize it...and be ready...<p>C A L I

Well,
My H brought Kyle home today...Kyle had a great time. He said that dad was really nice. He told me that his girlfriend called him 3 times and he called her 5 times.<p>H took Kyle to Chucky Cheese's, bought him a new rocket, a new football, a new basketball, they played video games and went to Burger King today. Next time H told Kyle he could bring a friend with him. <p>Kyle has been sitting here telling me all sorts of things. It really hurts. He said that OW is nice. She was flying in this afternoon. Dad couldn't wait to see her according to Kyle. Kyle told me that H told him that he had to make some sad choices and he had to leave the family. He told him that he misses him terribly.<p>Why do I feel like my life is being torn even further apart? I hate this so much. Help me to figure out why I feel so desolate tonight. How can he be so cruel? I don't think I can do this......the rest of my life is going to be this horrible cruel mess. I feel so shattered. I better go. I wish things would start looking better as everyone says. Right now it looks like hell on earth. Pat

Give your son more credit to this. He's telling you the truth. And yes, the truth can hurt sometimes. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] But remember, he doesn't know he's hurting you by telling you these things.<p>What stuck out the most to me was how your H told him that he had to make some sad choices, and that he misses him terribly.<p>Your son is smart. He knows that his dad still chose against your family. Actions speak louder than words, and daddy's actions ring clear as a bell.<p>As far as your initial post goes... I agree in that your H did some major parent no-no's. It will be his loss in the end. And I also agree that you must work on a set schedule for visitations. If you and your H cannot work together on it, there are plenty of resources out there with people who will... even if it means taking it to court.<p>You cannot allow him to just show up, out of the blue, and assume he can take the kids. Granted, I understand that your daughter has not helped in the matter, and her actions (blocking his emails and erasing his phone messages) have intensified the situation. Hmmm... do you think that she'd tell your H that she did those things? Or would it matter?<p>Karen

Hi Karen,<p>I don't know if it would help or not. My daughter is so angry at him. She loves him...but is extremely hurt by some of the things he has done. I think she thought she was protecting me. <p>This whole thing is such a soap opera--it is sad. I am going insist on a visitation schedule. He has a restraining order to---he is not supposed to be here. My lawyer said to call the police if he shows up. My H told me once that he knew I would never do that. I don't know if I could do that. It seems so awful. But I don't ever want a situation like Friday again. He can't just show up here and do what he did. It was awful. <p>I reminded him on FRiday that he was supposed to go through a mutual friend to make arrangements to see the kids. He refuses to do this. If he doesn't follow those guidelines--I guess I will just not allow him to see the kids. Oh this seems to make matters worse and more complicated tho. <p>I wish our divorce would go through. There is no hope for our marriage...he left in April or actually before. At least with the divorce there would be visitation rights and financial rights established. <p>You know, I was feeling better this past week, and now I feel like emotionally I am back to square one. I haven't gotten anything done today and feel like I have been run over by a semi. I feel like I am emotional jello. I am not doing a good job at reaching out to any of the kids tonight. I feel so sad about Kyle--Jim is going to try to buy him back. I have no control over that. I truely feel betrayed. I am trying so hard not to convey that to Kyle..but that is how I truely feel.

((((((((((( mnm )))))))))))<p>You don't have to be divorced in order for visitation and support payments to be made. If you are considered to be legally separated (in Ontario, that means 90 days of living apart with no intention of reconciliation), then you can still get those things.<p>I remember doing a LOT of reading up on divorce during our separation, and a lot of what I remember is that it isn't always necessary to actually get a D. It is mostly done for those who wish to remarry.<p>As far as Jim trying to buy Kyle's love... you know what?? If I were Kyle I'd take it for all I could! Heck! I'm 29 (today actually...lol), and I STILL enjoy being 'bought' by my mum!! (no A situation there mind you.. just a D when I was 16). I know she feels bad that we don't see each other very often (she lives 2 hours away). I'm only mentioning this b/c she's visiting tomorrow, and apparently she's loaded with gifts! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Keep 'em comin' mom!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Back to you though... it's okay that you're feeling down. You have every right to. Talk to your kids about it - obviously in ways that don't get them too involved. Try and relax tomorrow. Go back to plan Aing YOU, and do something for YOU. Even if that means moping around in bed all day reading a book. <p>What do your kids want, in regards to visitations? Do you think they might be capable enough to do that planning on their own? Just a thought... it would get some of the issues off of your shoulders that way.<p>Karen

Hi MnM I'm so sorry to hear that your H is acting like a big jerk to you again. Big <<<hugs>>> to you. <p>I know this is really hard for you and your H is not making it any easier. Is your class heping you? I know it's really difficult right now but this is not the way your life will be forever, truly it isn't. It will take time and I think it's hard now b/c H is always being an a** to you and the holidays are approaching. You are a very strong independent woman you deserve so much more for yourself and your kids. H is living in a fantasyland with his OW when reality hits and sooner or later it will he will realize what a fool he has been.Continue to do what you are doing for you and the kids. <p>I know it's hard for you to see it yourself but you really have come along way. I'm so proud of you really will be okay again.
Hugs and Prayers to you,
C

Thanks Cybil and Topie,<p>I really don't feel like I have come a long way. I feel lost and unsure of where I am going. <p>All my kids were gone except for Kyle last night....so he slept in my bed. He woke up this morning telling me again what a great time he had with dad. He said that dad told him that his girlfriend is better for him...loves him more. Boy, did that hurt. I don't know how to continue to hide that hurt from Kyle. Kyle seems to be accepting it and just loves to be around his dad. I guess my fear is, I am going to lose him. That would really devastate me. I guess I still don't understand---I tried so hard in this relationship----how can he justify what he is doing? I just don't get it. I am the one who is being hurt. I am the one who has the most to lose. <p>I don't see a rosey future. I see pain and hurt...and I see that continuing as he becomes more confident in his new relationship and trying to get his kids back. I know I am supposed to let this anger go...accept it and move on. But, I haven't been able to do that. I still love my husband....and he has betrayed me. I don't think he will see the light...he has revised our history...and made the chose to go on. He won't be back. How do you accept that?

A gentle bump!

Dear MnM,<p>I don't believe your son sees your pain. Should you show it to him? You may get various opinions on this one but for me, I did show my pain. My son at first ignored (or so I thought)it but eventually he made his feelings well known to his dad (himself). <p>Don't hide all your pain. Your children will let their dad know what he needs to know. If your children don't see your pain, they may feel that you condone the OW. I know that is not true but you may be painting that picture for them. <p>Shielding your children is good to a certain degree but if they must associate with the WS and OW, you need to prepare them. Even if it means telling them, like I did. I told my son that if a 'strange lady' comes to school or day care and says she is dad's friend, as long as you don't know who she is or if you recognize her as the one your dad has been seeing, then don't go with her. My son agreed. On his own he told his dad, he did not approve of the OW. I also prepared son if he did meet OW, how to act. If OW laid a hand on him or touched him in a way that made him uncomfortable, to tell his father & I immediately. Dial 911 if he needed to. <p>Just my take on this. You don't have to make the OW look good. <p>I did tell our son that dad prefers to spend time with another woman over us. It was true. I did say that it hurt mom. H got mad but I told H that until he could prove otherwise, I was not going to lie to our son, who by the way already had figured that out. So your kids may be more supportive than you think. <p>L.

Thanks Orchid,<p>I talked with Kyle this afternoon about it. I told him that I am sorry that Dad misses being with him...but it was a choice daddy made. <p>When Kyle told me that Daddy loved his girlfriend, I told him that hurt me very bad. I told Kyle I still love Daddy and that it is not right for daddy to have a girlfriend when we are still married. He then switched the subject. <p>This whole weekend has been such and emotional rollercoaster. I feel physically exhausted tonight. <p>I think what I hate the most is that I have no control over this mess. There is nothing I can do...except keep going on. What an empty feeling. <p>I threw Mandy's birthday party tonight, but it took every ounce of energy I had. <p>I still don't understand this whole mess...I still don't understand how he could do this to me and the kids. And he feels no remorse...he feels justified. How very sad.<p>The kids do know I am miserable...but somehow I have to pull myself together for them. I haven't even beem a good parent lately. This week for sure, I am going to try a new anti-depressant. I need some help to get out of this rut. Somewhere I will find the time. Thank you for your post Orchid. You always give such good insights. Thank you!!

Hi miserynmissouri,
Well maybe you don't have control over the situation, but you do have control over yourself. You don't have to get caught up in the whirlwind of the circumstances. You can step back.<p>There is a place where you can go and hide yourself AND your kids and Psalm 91 talks about it. It's the secret place of the Most High. I don't know if you believe in God but He'll take care of you and your family, including WS/OW situation, if you let Him.<p>I know you are hurting so much and I'm sorry for your pain. There is nothing WS/OW can ever do to make what they are doing seem right to you or to your kids, ever. So forget about them. They are not in their right minds.<p>I think it's fine if your H feels like he has to go and buy his kid's affection, which is exactly what he set out and did, IMHO... but when the kids are older, they will see right through that crap. Trust me... Just make up your mind to put this whole situation in God's hands.<p>We may not know what the future holds, but we know Who holds the future and we can trust Him... It's going to be all right... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]