I have a question that I am sure has been discussed many a time.<p>Does it seem easier for the BS to recover/reconcile/forgive from the A if the WS is M or F, and is it easier for the WS to work things out with BS if the WS is M or F? I'm a M BS and am ready to work things out with W, but W seems to need a lot of time to figure herself out until she can move on to us and the M. I personally know OM and OM/W (roles reversed) and they seem to be making great progress on this issue.<p>If anyone could point me in the right direction, it would be appreciated.

I don't think the sex of the BS/WS makes a big difference. I've seen men and women on both ends of the spectrum. I think what has a big impact is how remorseful the WS is about what happened. And personally I think it would be easier to recover if the WS is female because women tend to want to discuss their feelings and talk alot more than men do. I think communication is very important to recovery and it's hard to talk to a man who doesn't like to communicate much.<p>Your wife may also be struggling with the fact that her OM is getting on with his life and his recovery. I would imagine she feels a bit betrayed, even if they both agreed to end the A.<p>Good Luck, Heck

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by loveherstill:
<strong><p>Does it seem easier for the BS to recover/reconcile/forgive from the A if the WS is M or F, and is it easier for the WS to work things out with BS if the WS is M or F? <p>If anyone could point me in the right direction, it would be appreciated.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>The statistics I have seen are something like 50% of female WS permanently leave the marriage and only 15% of male WS. I think women tend to cheat for somewhat different reasons and some have been thinking about it for a long time and have built up a major fantasy life around the OM (even more than male WS). What is really ironic is that I have never seen an OW whose MM left his wife dump him, she usually gets dumped. On the flip side I think every cheating woman I've known who left for the OM got dumped by him at least shortly after the divorce was final, if not before. As a woman I can say that I have never left a relationship and looked back or regretted my decision. It was always carefully thought out. But every man who has ever broken up with me has tried to come back at some point in time. The majority of men I have known with a cheating wife have just thrown her out. Period, over, no talking it over, no second chance. Whereas I know very few women who have done the same with their WH's. Not to discourage the guys because my best friend is a poster child for former female WS who rekindled her love for her H and thanks god every day they are still together.

fairydust,<p>As much as I hate to generalize about the actions/reactions of men and women, I do agree with much of what you have said. Women do *tend* to base a relationship more on emotions and feelings of friendship - security and trust, etc.; whereas, I have known a lot of men who have "relationships of convenience" just for the physical release. When it comes to recovery, though, I think the same rule applies: we each suffer equally, despite our gender differences. What is largely the key to healing is the WS's honesty and ability to maintain no contact, protecting the BS from the aftershocks of the EMR. That depends on the individual. I'd have to say that I've known just as many female WS who were negligent in this area as I have male WS.<p>belld

I'd agree with what's been said here but would like to add another perspective. About 10 years ago I read some statistics about affairs. The article said that 98% of marriages in which the husband cheat do not break up because of the affair. But 98% of the marriages in which the wife cheats do break up. The point the article was making is that most men will not consider staying with a wife who cheats. While most women are socialized to almost expect their husbands to cheat so women will more readily work on the marriage. I do believe that things have changed quite a bit in the last 10-15 years. It seems that women are cheating about as much as men and that maybe men are more willing to work on keeping a marriage together when their wife strays.<p>I have noticed here that many of the female WS’s seem to have erected a wall that cannot be broken down. There are some men too who I have observed doing this, but it seems more reticent in the women. I’ve wondered about that myself. Perhaps a woman is more likely to wait until the marriage is irreparable before she has an affair. While a man will stray earlier, while he still has feelings for his wife? My guess on this is because women have been socialized to be “nice”. Straying would be harder in that case. <p>I read a very interesting book about women and affairs: “The Erotic Silence of the American Wife”, Dalma Heyn . It gives an interesting insight into the female psyche and why women stray. It basically talks about how women have an inner voice that goads us into being whatever our own picture of the perfect wife/mother is. Then one day we wake up and realize that we don’t even know who we are anymore. We loose ourselves in all of this.. Where did the fun loving, beautiful woman go? It also gives some history on women and affairs.. Or how women are socialized to not have affairs. In fact, in the past society severely punished women who had affairs while it gave men who strayed a nod and a wink. Because of this affairs tend to be very devastating for women. When a woman has an affair, she suddenly has broken the “perfect wife/mother” and may never be able to return to that. It’s a very scary proposition for many women. The book is very careful to not blame men and/or husbands for this. It looks at it purely from how a woman allows herself to get to the point where she has lost herself to the point of seeking an affair to feel alive again. <p>Who knows, perhaps this is not really a female phenomenon. Men also enter marriage wanting to be the perfect husband/father. I am sure that men get lost in this same way.<p>It is a fascinating book and may shed some light on your wife’s behavior.<p>Z