Hi everyone:<p>It has been awhile since I've posted here but need the advice, wisdom, experience of you all. In short, my story began several months ago when I found out my H was having and EA with a woman on the internet. I asked him to give her up and he refused. Tried Plan A for several months, but things went from bad to worse and WS moved out 8/2/01......our 19th anniversary would have been 8/28. I haven't written a formal Plan B letter partly because I dread the response from my H. He blames me for everything and maintains that he and the OW have a future together and that he no longer wants our marriage. I have tried to honor his request for space and time and go on with my life and taking care of our children while trying to work on me and working on me so I can be the best I can be. The question is: How do I do the "no contact" part of Plan B with a special needs child? Our daughter is basically a 12 yr. old infant.......requires total care for everything. H wants to come to our home to see daughter and son instead of taking them to his apt. or out somewhere. I've tried to be away from the house when he comes over, but sometimes this doesn't work. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I appologize if my attitude is bitter here (b/c I'm in a bit of a mood tonight)... but why can't your H take the kids? I don't see how your dd having special needs should mean you have to bend over backwards to allow him into your home for his visits. After all, it was his choice to leave. If he has a problem with taking them outside of your home, then that's his problem. Not yours. IMO, he should be able to see what life is really like apart.<p>When H and I were separated, and I was finally ready to move into plan B, visitations were extremely difficult. At the time, our twin sons were only 3 months old. According to a visitation schedule I received from a lawyer, they were not to leave my presence. H would just have to wait to see them... or find someone who I agreed to take them to him. We also have another son (now 2 1/2 yrs old) who I would allow him to take out on his own. I had no legal choice there. Minimal contact was still necessary. You cannot avoid that in a plan B with children.<p>You have to decide what your boundaries for visitations are... and seek some legal advice. Your children may very well be able to help you in deciding how they would like visitations. Talk to them about it too. <p>DO THE PLAN B LETTER!!! It is to protect YOU. Your H is going to blame you for his A no matter what. You know that. At least with the letter, he can read it over and over again until he finally gets the gist of what you've been doing all along since you began your plan A.<p>Karen

I seems that you are bending over backwards to accomodate your H. Your doing this is meeting an EN for him and causing you problems. It does not appear that there is any reason why he cannot take the children on a preset schedule. <p>One of the reasons for Plan B is so that your spouse will see what life is like without you. Part of that is his living up to his obligations as a father. That means that he takes care of the kids part of the time with no help from you.<p>It does seem that Plan B can be a little hard for people who need to co-parent. In that case I've seen several people do what is a modified Plan B.<p>They allow for some minimal contact only for dealing the child issues. If you have a third party who will help with the transfer of the children, this will minimize your contact. There will however be times when you and your H will need to discuss things about the children. This can be done fairly well through emails and leaving phone messages. That is how I handled it with my ex-H. It worked very well. One of the keys to making this work is your insisting that the conversations/emails/phone calls never cross over to personal topics having to do with you, your husband, your marriage, finances, friends, etc. It he tries to take the conversation there, simply say "I do not want to discuss that." and end the conversation. <p>my 2 cents<p>Z

Hi Topie25 & Zorweb:
Thanks for the responses. And you're both right.....I have been and am bending over backwards to accomodate him and I know I'm making it too easy for him at this point. I am still learning to set and stick to my boundaries. Some of us are a little more hard-headed and slow to learn than others. LOL My head knows what to do, but my heart is struggling to follow. I have a fear of conflict which is something else I've been working on for myself. Everytime I don't agree with/go along with my H, he gets mad and starts blaming and belittling me again so I retreat and give in to avoid the anger. God has given me a trememdous support system through all this in this site as well as friends and family and co-workers who listen and tell it to me straight to keep me on track. I think I will be able to do the Plan B letter some time this week. There are several other pieces of business that have to be taken care of too, like insurances, mortgage, child support, etc. that are still hanging in the balance and I need to resolve them and get on with living. Thanks again for listening and resonding. Have a great day!<p>Jan [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Jan - Plan B with kids - special needs or not - is nearly impossible, IMHO. Nevertheless, I believe it needs to be done, as imperfect as it may be.<p>The hard part I believe is differentiating between meeting the needs of your children against NOT meeting the needs of the WS. Where do you draw the line? This is the question I struggle with constantly and you may, too, when you get there.

Hi WAT:<p>Thanks for the response. I'm so sorry for the pain you must be going through from losing your son. He was 6 months older than my son. I can only imagine and my prayers are with you. I too struggle with trying to balance meeting the needs of my children vs. NOT meeting the needs of my WS. It truly is a fine line and I agree that it is nearly impossible but necessary. It's just so darned hard to write that letter and be ready to stand up to the onslaught of what I feel will come afterward!! At this point my H seems to feel he still has free reign in my/our former home as far as being able to come in and eat a meal or do laundry as if he still lives here. Says it's still his house too because he's still on the mortgage. Never mind that he hasn't paid a dime on it since June nor given me but a few dollars for the children since moving out. I know these are boundaries I need to set, but my head is spinning from all that has to be done to take care of myself and the children!! WHEW!!! Anyway, better get going on this letter......putting it off won't accomplish anything. Thanks again for the input. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jan