I guess I just need some encouragement, or a kick in the a$$.<p> I took off work today with the intention of going to Plan B. Doing this will have some dire consequences where my job is concerned. Because of the fact that I will have to quit and move from this place.<p> I know all about the love bank and the reasons for going to Plan B. It is supposed to protect the remaining love we have for our WS. This aspect does not really apply to me at present. My Bank is not really that low.<p> Biggest reason for me to consider it at this time is simply due to the fact that I cannot take the crap anymore. With the holidays fast approaching something needs to give.<p> As many of you are aware, we are seperated. Wife lives just a few houses down the street. She comes over daily, we do things together. Not every day but many. <p> Since d-day #1 with OM 1 I have had 1 more full blown d-day with OM #2. And since that day my W has been involved with her boss. Not PA that I am aware of, but almost certianly an EA. <p> While I love my wife very much still, I am sick of the pain I live with daily. I do not know if I am making the right choice or not. All I know is something HAS got to give. Hell, I don't even know if I can go through with it. <p> Anyone have any brilliant advice for me?<p> jd

jd - sounds like you're ready for it. I don't understand, though, why you have to move and change jobs. Is it because your W works at the same place? Also, I admit to not knowing if you have any kids.<p>Nonetheless, you sound like you need to do it. Take it from somebody who probably waited too long, it will work to isolate you from the pain, especially if no children are involved.

jd,<p>If you FEEL it's right for you - then it probably is. It's always gonna be tough to know it's the right time but making the decision sets a clear boundary for your wife. It has hurt you, it is continuing to hurt you so here's the consequence... no contact while she continues her poor behaviour towards you. <p>I know the shock of me wanting to cut contact with my W by moving out was what she needed. I really think it was the turning-point in our recovery.<p>good luck jd,<p>- Freddy

Hey WAT,<p> Thanks for replying, while you may not know it, your advice means a great deal to me. <p> Well, i do have kids. In the beginning they stayed with me after W left the home. However the enticment of few to NO rules from their mother was enough to get them to move in with her. All kids want more freedom I suppose, and now they have all the freedom they want.<p> The thing is WAT, if I break all contact with W, I cannot stay around and watch her doing her thing. It would be too painful. And there is no way to get away from that with her living just down the street, not to mention we live in a small town. I cannot be here to see her flaunt, whatever.<p> I admit I am scared to death of following through with Plan B. As I said my love bank has not dwindled very much these past 8 months. Guess I may be an exception to losing that love [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p> At any rate, yes, I feel like I am ready. I have felt the need for awhile now. Gone so far as to talk to W about it in the past. On those occasions she has flipped out, cried, begged me not to leave, even mentioned suicide the last time the subject was brought up. <p> She refuses to work on the marriage though. Which leaves me holding the bag, and the pain. She know I am a sucker for tears, and uses that to get her way [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
Freddy,<p> Thanks for your reply. Can only hope for the same results as you. That is my prayer.
jd<p>[ November 12, 2001: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>

jd,<p>she's playing you - she knows where your soft spot is and she can hit it everytime. <p>Trouble is, she's as scared as you are. If you go then she HAS to start making decisions about her life. She HAS to make a decision for you or against you. As long as you're still around, she can sit on the fence, play her games and sit,.... and sit, ...........and sit. It's a cruel, cruel game.<p>jd, tonite - I'm gonna pray for you, I'm gonna get on my knees, put my hands together and pray that you'll get the result you want. And that's from a man who doesn't believe in God but you people are so strong and so courageous that I'll do it - for you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>- Freddy<p>PS. Either way, you'll be better off. It's like Pascal's Wager - you must know that one !!!!!<p>[ November 12, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

Freddy, <p>I would love to hear more about your story. How long did you plan "A" ? Were kids involved ? How long was she out ? How did you know when she was seriously ready to re-commit to your "M" ? Did she end the "A" and maintain no-contact with the OP ? <p>I am seriously thinking of a plan "B", because like you said..my wife is sitting the fence, getting all the benefits from me, and still maintaining her "A" with him and lieing to me about it...thinking i believe that it's over. That game stinks and i don't like it. Time to change the rules to that game i think. I have plan "A"'d for almost 17 weeks, but her game goes on. <p>Thanks for any reply....

Jd,<p>IMVHO, It seems that you have to do plan B but when. You should review your plan A. Is there any ground that is not covered ?. Do you really show that no LB and listen to her "fogese talk". She probably told you what bother her in your relation. Any legit issues you have to work on it and show to W that you doing it. Multiple A definitely either something about you that repell her and multiple OM + you have to fill in or she is really b$%^h (no disrespect intended). You will find out by doing plan B. Have you ask her to see MC and of course the one that practice/uses MB ?. <p>For different reason I am planning to skip town too for my plan B. I want OM feel the effect to play Dad and my WW to really see what she had been missing. I want a full blown M problem exposure. I am plan A'ing my 2 D too ...<p>God Blesses you.

Jd,
I just want to say we are with all the way no matter what your decision is. Keep your head up and keep smiling and keep your eyes on target.
{{{{{{{{{{{JD}}}}}}}}}}
Sherry

Sad Daddy,<p>In brief, we have two boys - 4 and 6 - this was my wifes second A. The first A was 4 years ago, the OM was a friend. Long story but to cut it short, at that time the A stopped because the OMs W discovered what was going on - I had no idea that they were even having an A (duh!!!!) - and she went ballistic. The OMs W said it was a PA and had the evidence. I said, so what. It didn't change the fact that we had two kids and I didn't want to live without them. So, I bowed my head and we got on with our lives.<p>The second A started somewhere in January this year - I'd sensed it but had no hard facts. The OM was a friend (again!!!!). In April and May, weird stuff was happening - you know the type of thing. Anyways, in June it became obvious, my W had told her best girlfriend and her sister - and I was picking up on all the clues 'the OM treated her differently to me' you know.<p>When I confronted my W on the topic I was getting the 'I don't love you anymore', 'I love you but not like that', 'you're pathetic, you can't compete with him', 'I'm not having an A' - you know the lines. And when the phone bills came in - they're itemised - the shocks started coming in waves. But my W denied it all. <p>Anyways, I found this site, worked out my Plan A and hit the road with it. It was kinda working but contact with the OM continued and I was a mess. I asked her to stop contact and the reply was 'what, give him up for you!!!!'. You can imagine how I felt.<p>From mid-June to about the end of August I plan A'd my heart out - I had a very short A of my own (about 3 days long) - and then decided. Basically, as long as I was maintaining her way of life, she'd suck me dry. She could continue seeing the OM and who else she wanted to and I'd continue paying the bills.<p>The OM doesn't get my kids in the morning or in the evening. He doesn't get my bills to pay and the stress of making ends meet. He doesn't get my W when she's in a pissy mood, or when she wants her stuff done now. No, he got my W when she was dressed up, looking her best and ready to party. So, I put it on the line - if she wants him, fine, I can't be responsible for her life I can only be responsible for my own. And her fun isn't going to be at my expense. <p>So, I told my W that I was moving out and didn't want to have contact with her. That shocked her. She said I couldn't see the kids. I didn't bite, just held my ground. No anger. No judgements. No spite. Just hard resolve. <p>She stopped contact with the OM almost overnight, we went into counselling and it's been uphill - with a few problems - from there. I have to be in control of my life, whatever the consequences, and I refuse to be a victim of her behaviour. <p>I know what some might think, that it was risky - because she might have walked. But in my mind, she had to make the choice. I was making it really easy for her by maintaining her standard of life and accepting her poor behaviour. Once I'd set the boundaries with the consequences being very clear - she came out of the fog real quick.<p>hope that helps?<p>- Freddy,<p>PS. jd - sorry to put this reply in here man - don't want to take over your thread...but the thoughts might help you too [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ November 12, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]<p>[ November 12, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

Jd,
You said you wanted advice, well here I go. I suggest you write the pro's and con's on a piece of paper and see where that leads you.
Is it not possible to move to a town near by and still work at the same job? Or does that not help with your Plan B'ing?<p>Ok I am having a brain fart and being distracted by children. I'll get back to ya. Sherry

Freddy,<p> Yeah, she is playing me. Others have tried to get me to see this, but I guess I am a little stubborn. <p> You are correct that it is a cruel thing she is doing. And I fall for it every time.....sigh.<p> Freddy, I will take you up on your prayers. I can't explain the feeling I got reading that you were going to pray for me, even though you don't believe in God. Thanks Freddy....I am holding you to it [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> redhat,<p> Well, I am sure there are many things I could have done differently in Plan A. I have changed ALL the things about myself that W had issues with. Not a 100% perfect Plan A, but can anyone say theirs was? <p> Sigh!!! I really don't think I repulse her or anything. I think I did enable her to be capable of having the first A. Then she found the excitement something she liked very much. I don't think it was the sex even that excited her. She has said to me and others that the OMs didn't fulfill her the way I could. She admitted to coming to me immediatly after her encounters with them so she could get what they were unable to give her. So I think it was/is the excitement of what she is doing more than anything about me. But who knows?<p> Good luck with your decision to leave. Let us know the outcome.<p> Keep Smiling,<p> Thanks, I always appreciate your advice. I think there are many pros and cons either way. I'll write them all down and see what I come up with.
jd<p>[ November 12, 2001: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>

JD, I think the question isn't so much as whether or not it is time for Plan B, but why you acknowledge how she uses tears to pacify you, and then allow her to continue to do as she pleases. This isn't about enabling. There's nothing you can do about that and she will do as she pleases. But you don't have to compromise and live with the pain, just because she wants to have her cake, and eat it too.<p>This seems like a different Plan B. Your love for her is almost blind. In spite of your unmet EN's, your love has remained, but you also have held back an enormous reserve of pain and suffering, and it is time to release, before you snap! So this isn't about "preserving love" for her. It's not about punishment, either. It's just standing up for yourself. That's all, man.<p>You don't want her to keep doing what she's doing, and it's high time you stood up for your convictions. Stick to them. <p>You can sleep soundly at night, knowing you've given it a thousand percent, man. You've done FAR more than you needed to, and have shown more consideration and patience than almost any other man out there. If she still doesn't fully appreciate that, then in my opinion, it is definitely time for no contact.

GM,<p> Thanks. What you said is pretty much the truth. My love for W is/has been almost blind. This has caused me untold amounts of pain. Yes, I do let her tears move me into just maintaining the status quo. See, I want to believe that 'this' time it is different. This time her tears are real, because she knows she must change. Yep, that is my hope every time. Hasn't panned out that way though, obviously.<p> Your words mean much to me GM. Thanks.<p> jd

Hi JD,<p>Well, not to stick with KS but I really like the idea of finding a place to stay in a nearby town, and continuing working at you current job. This would be less destructive toward your lifestyle if and when things get back to normal. <p>I suspect she won't take long to come around by the way she seems to go nuts when you threaten to go to plan B. She obviously doesn't want to lose you, but I think she feels you won't leave so she will continue as long as you stay. When she sees that you won't stay I would think she would do anything to get you back.....but I could be wrong and plan B may not work. You have to be willing to accept either outcome if this is what you decide to do, I guess.<p>Good luck, we will be praying for you.
E

Thanks E,<p> Really the only problem with that suggestion is finding a place that I can afford in another town, versus going out of state and staying with family awhile.<p> Staying here, in this house, would be impossible for Plan B. Too close to where she lives.<p> I will think seriously about looking in nearby towns.<p> Thanks for your prayers E, they mean a lot to me.<p> jd

jd,<p>one thought - my Ws girlfriend told me that my W would carry on with the OM because she didn't believe I'd leave her. She thought she could have her cake and eat it too. <p>When I said 'no contact - I'm leaving' it really hit home. In fact, during one of the first sessions with the counsellor, she said that she felt threatened by this. She'd work at the relationship, she wanted me to give her the time to prove her love again but I wasn't to mention 'leaving' outside of the counselling sessions. We both kept our promises [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>- Freddy<p>PS. it's time for bed here - so there's a prayer coming your way, jd. Silly, but I've forgotten how to do this [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

JD,<p>Well I understand the expense thing, perhaps you can look into a one bedroom apartment or a roomate or something. Otherwise can you take a leave of absense from your work? Perhaps if ya could you could take 3 or 4 months with the possibility of returning before that??? just a thought
E

Hi jdmac1,
It sounds to me like you know what you need to do, but the timing is an issue among other things with your job, finances, and where to move...<p>I think that when God's timing is right, all those other things will line up. Don't let the holidays looming over you force you to do something too quickly.<p>However, I do agree that your wife is not appreciating you and rubbing your nose in her state of confusion. That doesn't sound like fun.<p>Keep being patient. You can do this. Make up your mind to enjoy the holidays with or without your W by your side. Don't rush it. God is never in a hurry. I pray for God's wisdom to guide you in this. Be strong in the Lord!

jd,<p>I haven't done that in a looooonnng time [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I really had to relax (physically and mentally) and focus my mind. I really tried to reach out to something or someone I haven't talked to in years [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] It wasn't so easy.<p>Anyways, first I tried to say hello, and then had to appologise for the long silence and the neglect from me. Then I said that I wanted jd - cos that's the only name I know you by - to have the strength to do what he needs. If HE could help a little that would be fine.<p>Then I said goodbye [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Don't know if it was any good - but it's one for you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>take care,<p>- Freddy<p>[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

Freddy,
I'm sure JD will be on here soon, but I wanted to tell you that is perfect what you did and what you said. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] wunnnnnerful!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You know He was listening to you, and I respect you a whole lot for doing that for JD.<p>Have a great day!<p>Faith1