This has been bugging me all morning. I found out that my H is going to Washington with a school club the first week in Washington. It's for 5 days and it was with the same club he met OW in. Talk about triggers. There are only 3 other women going this time and two of them are going with their boyfriends and he barely knows the 3rd woman.<p>All this morning I just keep thinking that I don't even want to talk to him while he's gone. I don't. I just feel all these different ranges of emotions and I just feel like forgetting him while he's there so I stop dwelling on it.<p>AND, then I also started thinking that this new "life" with school and his archaeology is going to involve alot of travel. I talked to him about this before and he just says that he'll manage it and he won't be traveling very often and when he does he'll keep it to a minimum (no defination of minimum).<p>But I don't think I can live with this, I really don't. What do I do? I'm crying right now just thinking that we've come so far in recovery and it's all for nothing because I don't think I can accept living with a man who's going to be traveling. At all. When we got married and made our vows, we said we weren't going to be traveling, and even though I'm in a high-tech job, I've only gone on a business trip once, and I swore never again (it was horrible, H and I fought on the phone every night I was away).<p>So now all I keep thinking is that we are drastically incompatible and I'm just going to have to throw in the towel.<p>I can't ask him to give this stuff up, but I don't want to live the rest of my life like this either. I want him to follow his dreams, when he shared his dreams with me before they never involved traveling, this is something new, he JUST realized he wanted to do. I'm just not interested in being left at home with the kids a week at a time so my H can go do whatever.<p>I SORT OF brought this up in marriage counseling (just about the one trip coming up in December, not about the whole enchalada), and he said, "that's why I'm going to individual counseling, to work that stuff out." <p>So does this mean it's all inside me? Am I being unreasonable to want a marriage where my husband doesn't travel? Is that wrong? Do I just have to learn to live with it even though it's not what I want?<p>I have no clue how to bring this up with my H, or even if I should. Anyway I can think of, my H will take it as me trying to get him not to go on his trip, or to quit school, or something. I don't want any of those things, I just don't like my H traveling.<p>thanks for the advice.
HbH

bump. This is really bugging me today. Affecting my work alot...<p>HbH

HbH<p>This is a problem/trigger for me, too.<p>W (WS) and OM got together while she was on biz trips. So, now that we are back together and trying to recover this idea of her being on the road was/is a biggie.<p>She just recently completed her first trip since she moved back home. <p>I did bring it up at our counseling sessions before she left and our counselor explained to her that because of the triggers (counselor actually called it post traumatic stress syndrome for me) it was up to my W to reassure me that the trip was safe from any OM activity. She said it was important that W let me know her itinerary, where she was, lots of contact and phone calls, that it was OK for me to call and check at any time etc etc ...<p>My W was pretty reassuring prior to leaving and did call lots...I can't imagine not talking to her during this time. That would make me crazy. It ended up being OK...one more hurdle covered and we both viewed it as one and addressed it before she left.<p>I think you are being very reasonable that this is a problem for you. That's totally normal.<p>I would think your H would want to reassure you that there is no threat if this is how he met OW and knows it is something that concerns you as much as this obviously does.<p>How to bring it up....just tell him separately or bring it up in counseling or talk to your conselor separately and have the C bring it up to your H, wether with you or with your H alone. <p>But by all means address the issue. It will do you no good to let it sit there and fester....in fact it will do more harm to your relationship and I would imagine by the time your H returns from the trip some real bad feelings would boil over LB, LB, LB [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care and good luck <p>E

this is a toughie, been thinking about it, will try to give a reply later...bugs me though that H is not brainstorming this with you, sounds pretty self-centered again, but you know my opinion re that already.

Hi guys, thanks alot. Elad, I remember when your wife went away, I read your post and what you were going through. I am glad that you made it through okay.<p>I guess my fear is that my H and I are no longer compatible. I just don't want to be with a man that travels and my husband's new "adventures" with school and his education will be taking him away from his family. Maybe I am over-dramatizing and it won't be that bad. This is his 2nd trip with the "club" and I just feel horrible about it. The first trip was with "HER" and is where there feelings came out and the EA was revealed to each other.<p>Even if I put the affair aside, I would not have been okay with the idea of my H traveling. I just don't like it. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that travels frequently and leaves me home alone with the kids.<p>And I don't know if that means I need counseling to "re-direct" my thinking, if that means I'm being controlling because that's not the way I want to live my life, I don't know. My concern is the way it affects me. I don't want to be in the situation where I am a "single-mom" for a week or two trying to care for 3 kids. Yeah, I did it for 3 months while my H was in la-la land, and I HATED it.<p>Elad, obviously, you must be okay with your wife traveling (affair aside). How do you do that? I just never had to deal with it before and I don't like it.<p>SnL, my H has his own issues. He is not in any state of mind to POJA (he sees it as me getting my way and him losing out). The counselor is still trying to convince him that I do not run his life and that I mean what I say, not what he THINKS I mean. And, OBVIOUSLY you can see how this can easily turn into a control thing or me not supporting him in his new career.<p>I don't want to force him to do anything. I just am totally against this new life he has chosen. In the past, we have always agreed to things together, to make sure we were both okay with the decisions we made. He made these decisions on his own, and even though they affect me, for some reason, I have no say in the matter because if I say something, then I am controlling his life somehow. <p>I just came to these realizations today. Jen actually brought it up 2 months ago when I spoke to her, and when I brought it up to my H he said what I wrote before, about minimal travel, etc. It made me feel good at the time, but now I realize he wasn't being honest with himself. He's still going to be traveling, alot, and I either have to deal with it or not be in the relationship.<p>HOW DO I SAY THAT? "H, I'm sorry but I just do not want to be in a relationship with someone who travels alot. I'm sorry. I still love you, I still want things to work out, but I'm at a crossroads here. This is not something I want in my life. (list examples from above). Is there anything we can do about it?<p>And then, obviously, I can't bring this up until after his trip, otherwise he'll accuse me of trying to force him not to go.<p>But, like Elad said, if I do that, then I'll get real resentful and the feelings will just get worse and worse.<p>HbH

HbH<p>You wrote:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Elad, obviously, you must be okay with your wife traveling (affair aside). How do you do that? I just never had to deal with it before and I don't like it.<hr></blockquote><p>Well,I was obviously more Ok with it b-4 the A. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>One advantage I probably have is that we have no kids. So her time on the road was time alone for myself...I began to enjoy having that alone time. <p>When we first got married (9 years ago) neither of us had to travel much for work. In her old job, my W began to do a little travel and I absolutely hated it. But I knew it was importnat for her. She then took a new job that we both knew would involve significant travel. We agreed that we could live with that.<p>Her--because she loves to travel and it meant new experiences for her.<p>Me--because the new job was a great opportunity for her and I was being supportive.<p>Following her taking the new job, (prior to the A) like I said, I began to find things to keep me busy and found I actually accomplished a lot more when I was on my own. I kind of liked the "break" I guess. But of course I was always happy when she returned from a trip. I also had the opportunity to do some travelling w/her kind of "on the company" which was nice.<p>Since the A, however, I have been more leery of her travel, but it comes with the job and I am working hard to believe her, to trust her and get past this in recovery. It's going OK.<p>I think for you, you need to bring these issues up to your counselor and your H. These are real lifestyle issues you are talking about and I think your concern is much deeper than a simple biz trip here and there and trutsing him on those occasions. You are really looking at asking your H to give up what he does...that's much bigger and needs to be addressed in a non-confrontational setting.<p>When my W and I decided to move forward I said I would do anything to save our relationship. I still feel that way.<p>I get a sense that you have set a boundary in your recovery and it's probably not fair to your H not to know where it is and how strong that line in the sand is... <p>Just my $0.02...<p>Good luck <p>E

Elad, thank you so much for taking the time to discuss this with me. It's what I really need.<p>This "revelation" or boundary was something I just realized this morning, after some serious soul-searching. I was trying to understand WHY his traveling upset me so much and if it was something I could live with.<p>I knew it really didn't have that much to do with triggers, yeah, this specific trip did because of who it was with, but in general the idea of any kind of travel just has always chilled me to the core.<p>Like I said, I've never really had to deal with this before (a trip here or there, but not a lifestyle change) so it is new to me, yes his "realization" about what he wanted to do with his career (involving traveling) came during his affair, but that aside, I think even if he didn't have the affair I would be dealing with this anyway.<p>He has made major lifestyle decisions without discussing them with me and I fear I either need to "deal with it" or "not be married".<p>Either decision is tough on me. I have an individual counseling appt. tomorrow, so I have decided to wait until after that to discuss it with my H. Maybe she can help me find the right words to say...<p>I also know this decision is part of his "need to be an individual", but he's taken that to the extreme if you ask me. But even still, how do you combat that?? On one hand you could say the counselor needs to tell him that he needs to be more active in the marriage, be more responsible, and make decisions that are right for his marriage, but then again, he also needs to figure out himself and get his own life in order.<p>So confusing...<p>The marriage counselor says we are "in the dating phase" and that we should think of ourselves like that, rather than being married. <p>So, I'm a single mom raising 3 kids who's dating a single college guy who helps me out now and again by watching the kids for me and occassionally doing dishes. I have no clue how to contact him in case of an emergency, no clue who he hangs out with, or what his life is like on campus, but I guess that's normal since we're only dating. Absurd if you ask me. (I am overdramatizing a bit, he does occassionally tell me where he is, but I'm pretty close to reality).<p>Thank you so much Elad.
HbH

Oh, re-read my post and wanted to clarify a few things.<p>H doesn't have to tell me these things because I may "try to control him" with the information. He needs to have his individual life right now because he doesn't trust me.<p>I don't understand this aspect of all (over my head, all inside his), but apparently the counselor does because he is going very slow with H and working on this SLOWLY...<p>Also, believe it or not, H has actually improved significantly since early June. At that time, he abandoned us completely and had no contact with the kids for 30 days (and I mean no contact, no visits, no phone calls, no letters, totally ignored them trying to contact him, I even had to lie to protect their hearts).<p>Now, he has contact with them everyday, and is getting closer and closer to me. He has given up his apartment and has quit his 3rd shift job, all so that we can work on the marriage and get closer. Of course, these things don't take effect until the end of November, so we all know how that can go...<p>So, now the more the think of it, the more I realize, this topic is just too early in our recovery to discuss. That sucks cuz' I hate even considering living my life with a person who is going to be traveling so much...<p>Why can't I just have a normal husband? Sigh. I hope he appreciates all this someday. Wait, wait, wait until my husband grows up and figures things out with counseling, THEN MAYBE get a happy marriage. Sigh.<p>Too bad I wasn't an a**hole and couldn't just say "you're not trying fast enough or hard enough, I quit". <p>Guess this sort of turned into a vent. Good to get it out I suppose. Time, time, time, wait even longer, then maybe I can actually have a life again. <p>When do I get to stop being the grown-up and the responsible one?<p>HbH

Okay, this is my last post, really. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Just wanted to let you know that I had a very good post from HG on the recovery board that really set me straight.<p>I'm trying to deal with stuff that just simply is way ahead of the game. I need to not worry so much about the future and just deal with this one problem.<p>I guess it did feel good to vent a bit though, so thanks for listening. My H and I really are doing much better. I guess it just takes a while to get the "OW Syndrome A.K.A. THE FOG" out of their blood. My H really did put himself down such a rathole with her, he was such a horrible, horrible person to everyone while he was with her. I guess it does take time to dig your way out, back to reality, just wish he'd accept a rope now and then... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thank you all again.
HbH

Read my post on the Emotional Needs forum. I can relate to some of your feelings re. travel even though H never had a PA with anyone to the best of my knowledge (But he did have an EA)

HbH<p>It looks like it helped you to work (vent?) your way thru this problem. This is the place to do this.<p>One thing I can relate to is trying not to let every stumbling block in this process set me off. I call it keeping my eyes on the big picture...which is a sucessful recovery.<p>Also not trying to rush the process. <p>It's not easy to do but hopefully it will be worth it.<p>HbH wrote:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I hope he appreciates all this someday. Wait, wait, wait until my husband grows up and figures things out with counseling, THEN MAYBE get a happy marriage. Sigh.<hr></blockquote><p>Big sigh---boy do I hear you [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Keep on track...<p>Good luck <p>E

hbh,<p>wow, that's got to be the post with the fastest help to date [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] And all I get to do is read all the posts to yourself [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I can see you needing to vent - and glad you did. It really bugs me that some people can be sooooo insensitive...<p>- Freddy