Please HELP!! I would like some input from the male BSs or female WSs...but, would welcome thoughts from everyone!!<p>I am the WS -- D-Day was 9/18. The first few days, he grilled me about every detail and displayed tons of anger and pain. I was honest with him and totally cooperated. Since then, my H will not talk to me about his thoughts and feelings regarding my EA that I had for a year and a half with a coworker (the OM met my EN for affection and listening to me -- I expressed this concern and fear to my H countless times before the A happened and he'd tell me that things would change and that I should JUST know how he felt about me). I loved him so much and wanted to be with him regardless, that I finally accepted that this was how things were going to be. <p>After he discovered the EA, I asked him to go to counseling with me. He agreed but, he continues to tell the C that he just does not understand what talking to me about the EA will accomplish since I caused this. He is in despair and said that I can not offer him anything in terms of healing. He is seeing the C to decide whether he should stay or go -- I am going because I want to work on our M. We have been together for over 8 years. I love him very much and want to do whatever it takes to restore my M. I do not want to lose him. I, obviously, was foolish and selfish by having the A, but I really believe the fog has lifted -- I am sorrowful beyond words.<p>Over the past week, he turned from being cold and angry to very sweet and loving. I am not sure what is happening (I am starting to wonder if he is having a revenge A -- no signs at all but, I am paranoid and wondering why the change in his attitude). Since he would not speak to me about his feelings, I decided to write him a letter. I basically explained to him that I was so sorry and completely responsible for the A and my behavior. I also told him that I was stepping back to give him the time and space he needed to cope and that it was my responsibility to help him heal since I brought all of this hurt and betrayal into our M. He thanked me for the letter and said that he really did not have anything to say. I've been Plan A'ing like crazy! I am trying to be a friend to him and work on making myself the best 'me'.<p>It is very strange -- he is acting like nothing happened and we're back to our normal mode. I am scared that his silence about the A will grow stronger and he will think it is OK to go on acting like things are peachy. I think this will slowly chip away at our relationship in the long run. What should I do -- <p>Is there something I should say? This is the typical way my H deals with issues. He is usually very quiet and avoids confrontation -- where as I tend to get things out in the open and want to talk things out. But, in this situation, I am scared to alienate him any further. I do not want to push him away forever.<p>I am interested in hearing from female WSs and male BSs about their thoughts and experiences.<p>Please HELP........<p>[ November 12, 2001: Message edited by: sorrowful ]<p>[ November 12, 2001: Message edited by: sorrowful ]</p>

Sorrowful,<p>I have a question. Were you not Heart Broken?? I did a search because your story sounded familiar, and there is Heart Broken's posts with your history.<p>If you are the same how did you manage to do this. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In any case I am sure there are more that will come to answer your questions. My take on this is to enjoy your H's current mood, because it may well change. Also listen to him very carefully, and yes even initiate talks with him about all of this. It sounds like it will hurt him and it might a bit, but it will also show him that you are serious about getting your marriage back on track.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

JL,<p>Yes, I was HB. I needed to change my 'name' for privacy reasons. In the meantime, thanks for your reply. I really appreciate your advice. I think the feedback you gave me over the past few weeks really helped me snap out of it and take repsonsibility (and slowly make progress with my H). Thanks again.

JL,<p>Sorry...forgot to answer your question. Go to your profile and update your display name and save it.

Having an EA for a year and a half and then expecting the BS to recover from it in a day is unrealistic and selfish. You should at least give him the courtesy of eighteen months to deal with it.

Since my wife did a similar thing I can relate to your husband. What you did is the worst possible thing a loving wife could do. The pain is not easy to get over. When I think about it my feelings are almost the same as the were on discover day which was 9 months ago. So to cope the BS has to do something. I can love all aspects of my wife, and she is good in everyway but she did this thing. I can see maybe your husband has unattached himself from you emotionally. So whatever you do or say now is fine because it really doesn't matter anymore. Perhaps over time he can develop real feelings again for you. For now he has decided further grilling will do the relationship no good. So he has decided to give you a break and just be pleasant each day. Don't think for a minute he has forgotten a thing because this is impossible to do so quickly. I doubt there is much you can do except just to be a normal wife and don't do things that will test his trust. If he is having a revenge affair which many of us BS feel like doing then that's too bad and it really doesn't help in my opinion although I have never tried. But logically it is the wrong thing to do because it still doesn't take away the pain of what you did. You can't take back what you did. Disagreements about things can always be resolved through talk but an affair cannot be taken back or ironed out through discussion. Only a long time of having a normal relationship will lesson the pain in your husband's heart. If he has really no pain then he did not love you enough and whatever you do is fine with him. Don't expect your husband to forget it so fast and don't bug him about it. Be glad he is deciding to keep you. He loves you enough to do this. I can't relate to a wife that says she loves her husband so much and yet had an affair. My wife said the same thing to me before and after her affair. It's not really true deep love I think. Maybe it's loving the security and nice treatment and good home but not loving deeply and respectfully. Maybe you both can develop real love now. At the 3 month stage your husband can snap into previous anger pretty fast. But he can recover again pretty fast too. So have patience with him whatever he does. Once a husband feels his wife's love is not for real, he really has no interest in councelling. Obviously there was something wrong with the marriage and he understand that he wasn't meeting your needs. What husband really does meet a woman's total needs? Maybe none. What wife meet's a husband's total needs? Maybe none. But affairs are not the answer to this. However from this site it seems that a strong marriage can still result. I am hoping so in my case.

I just felt the need to reply to your post although I am not sure I can say much that will be helpful.<p>I am the BS. My H and best friend had a 2 year A.<p>D-Day was 29 months ago-and I am getting real tired of counting those months since D-Day. But while I am feeling much more secure, happier and loving I must say it has been the most difficult travel I have ever experienced.<p>There is a very strong possibility your H doesn't even know how he feels. The stages we betrayed go through are numerous. 2 months after d-Day in my situation I was still very very numb to it all. I was jumpy, couldn't think straight, depressed, not in love, just simply dead inside.<p>The good side of this is I now feel the same old love I always had for my H. I have an exceptional man for a husband-it hurt more than anything to know he didn't realize this or care enough to say NO to the OP. But anyhow, it has taken me all this time to know how much love I do still have for my H. And he has stood behind me every step of the way.<p>I wish you and your H all the luck in the world. But you must give him the space to work through all his feelings.<p>And if you are concerned about his retaliating then....................imagine how he feels. I am by no means saying he is or should have an A himself-no way no how-just trying to tell you that you kind of deserve to worry.