Hi - I've been wondering about plan B vs " 4 agreements". Does a "B" violate being impeccable in the word? Does it violate being and showing love? <p>
I believe my wife made a poor decision with the affair; but I contributed to hurting the connection between us. With that in mind, I was wondering if there were any thought on this.<p> Thanks

Dan

Family Man,<p>Plan B is an "honest" action to preserve your love for your spouse. Plan B is when you realize it's "not about you".<p>If you are using Plan B as a tool of manipulation, then you are not being impeccable. <p>If you are feeling that you are violating your agreements in Plan B, then you are probably not doing it for the right reasons. <p>Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is be there if she wakes up and wants the marriage back. Plan B is the last try to preserve your love so that you can be there for that eventuality.<p>The agreements are about filling yourself with love. The love starts with you and flows outward. Is this what you are thinking about? That Plan B denies love to your spouse? You are not denying love, you are denying destructive contact. You are not responsible for the way your spouse feels about it. How do you feel?<p>Many people in Plan B talk about loving their spouse so much, it hurts. But, continued contact hurts more. That's the point of Plan B, I guess.<p>I'm sure Trying Again will have more comments about this.<p>Jeffers

Jeffers...that's it exactly...<p>Family Man...you may be ready for "Mastery of Love" where Ruiz discusses relationships...I don't have the book close by this second, but a phrase comes to mind...<p>When someone cannot share love with you, the bet thing they can do is to tell you. The most honest thing they can do is tell you. And you have to know it is not about you. The best thing you can do is say "Thank you" and move on.

This has been mega-paraphrased but that is the gist. I actually HATE reading that part of the "Mastery of Love," but my inner heart knows it's true.<p>Also Ruiz talks about boundaries and not allowing someone to take 'advantage' of you.<p>More on this later when I can get to the book and look some stuff up.<p>Trying

TryingAgain - thanks

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>When someone cannot share love with you, the best thing they can do is to tell you. The most honest thing they can do is tell you. And you have to know it is not about you. The best thing you can do is say "Thank you" and move on. <hr></blockquote><p> I hate that part as well. I've just rec'd "Mastery of Love" and have begun to read it.<p> Y'know, I still have the dream of my family. And I STILL love her. Moving on.....<p>jeffers - Thanks for your reply. I was wondering about " witholding" the love I feel in plan B. I've tried the "B"; gave it up quickly. Went back to a MUCH better "A". I think it was a manipulitave "B" the first time.<p> I'll be talking to Steve on Monday.<p> It can be hard to see clearly.<p> I do realize it's not about me.I try not to take it personally. Sometimes that helps.<p> Often, though it doesn't. Because the BS pays a very high price. <p> I still have the dream of the family. What do you move to?<p> Thank you both.

That's the rub, Family Man...what to do when our dream doesn't match their dream.<p>What do we do?<p>We detach. That is not to say we stop loving them or caring for them...but we stop making them the center of our lives...making every thought, every reaction, everything we do because of them...<p>We make it for us. Selfish? No. I don't think we live despite people or even in spite of people. We just live. <p>Oddly enough, I was going through my bookcases and found Beatty's Co-dependent books...a lot of the stuff in Co-Dependent No More put me in mind of Ruiz's books...especially the Don't Take Things Personally. <p>And, he does talk about detachment...<p>We have to do what we do because it is healthy and good for us...not because we NEED to keep a certain person in our life or because our DREAM of life isn't true....we can't make another's dream ours. So, how do we learn to dream together?<p>My brain is whirling...

TryingAgain -Thanks. I think we learn to dream toether through our connection; communiation. I think we make ourselves available to dream together to those we love. For me, the pain is when WS choses to ignore my bid and accepts OM's bid to dream. <p> I think.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>but we stop making them the center of our lives...making every thought, every reaction, everything we do because of them...
<hr></blockquote><p> Thanks. I am struggling w this. I focus on this constantly. WS is focused on om...<p> I hope you are doing better with your battle. I've looked for updates.<p> Dan

Wish I had something 'good' to update...<p>About all I can say is that he is home, he speaks of future together, but when 'pressed' he reverts to "He doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't want to be married. He never wanted to be married."<p>What's a co-dependent person like me to do? Not press. 'Cause then you don't hear what you don't want to hear. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for your engaging conversation on the Ruiz books.