Gee where to begin..<p> I met my wife 13 years ago, I was 15 years old, we immdiately hit it off and started
dating. 4 years later, we were married. Overall I would say our marriage has been very
successful, but over the years we seem to have grown apart. We haven't truly been meeting
each others needs I can say that I have put forth more effort that I even thought I could, but I have seen little to no effort on her part. <p> One year ago, I discovered that she was having an intimate internet relationship <p>with another man. I confronted her, with all the tears and anger you would imagine and demanded that she stop speaking to him. She did not, she got a hidden e-mail address and continued to communicate with him. She acted suspicious so I started monitoring her computer activities secretly.<p> I confronted her again, again she said it would stop and to a degree it did, but she insisted that she be allowed to remain friends with him, and she spoke to him on the phone daily while I was at work. (she does not work so has lots of free time, we also have no children). Eventually they stopped communticating, but by this time there was another..<p> With the man, I confronted her also, and she insisted they were just friends, that the flirting and such was harmless, even though they were saying "I love you" in different languages.. This chatting still has not stopped completely but has simmered down a large amount after I had a talk with this man, and asked him how his wife would feel if I told her...<p> Then there was a small tryst with a 3rd man, only lasting a couple of days, but I got very angry and hurt. Still, she insisted on remaining friends with him.<p> A couple of months ago, she started getting closer to man #4, the first where the others involved fantasy sexual situations, this one is different. With her knowledge I have still been monitoring her computer activites. This one got much more emotional, speaking of moving in together, having to speak to each other every day. Planning where they would live, discussing cuddling by the fire drinking wine and talking all night.<p> I have confronted her will all these, and on this last one she says it is only talk, filling her need for attention, that it doesent mean anything. So I asked her to stop the talk, to just talk as friends. The talk of moving in together and romance continued. (he live 16 hours away.) I asked again, and again it continuted. <p> One week ago today, she moved in with her parents at my insistence, she says she does not want a divorce but has not agreed to completely give these men up. I am not sure I want a divorce, but I have begun the process.<p> I still love this woman, even though she has torn out my heart and run over it repeatedly, but I dont think I can take it happening again. For years I have tried to satisfy her needs and make her happy, but failed it seems.<p> I am so confused, hurt, angry, sad, depressed, (insert 200 more emotions here) that I do not know what to do.<p> Any comments are appreciated.<p>
Hurt and Lonely

jeb,<p>I read your post and I'm really sorry that you're going through this pain. It's sad that we have to welcome you to MB but very welcome you are. <p>There's a lot you can do to save your marriage. It's going to take some hard work but you can start by reading His Needs Her Needs - it's a great way to get familiar with some of the 'differences'. I'm sure you've already read a lot on this website about how affairs start and what a Plan A is.<p>It sounds like you need to develop a good Plan A and stop the controlling and angry outbursts. You can't stop anybody talking with your wife you can only try to meet her needs so that she doesn't feel the desire to do so. If she's willing to work at your relationship and you are then that's a good start. There's every hope that it can work. <p>Why don't the two of you fill our the questionaire in His Needs Her Needs - it'll give you an idea of what your Ws needs are and how well you're doing at fullfilling them. That's a great start. <p>At some point in time, the two of you need to get back together, in the same house so that you can work together on your relationship. <p>Good luck and keep posting [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>- Freddy<p>[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]<p>[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

I actually feel like I have been in the process of Plan A for the last year =/. <p>She tells me that she will not give up her friends, and that everything is innocent. She knows that she has hurt me horribly, but will not admit that an emotional affair is an affair.<p>I have studied this site for quite a while, and I feel like I am at the end of my rope, I have been searching for anything I could do to recover our marriage. Unfortunately I have not seen her make any such effort.<p>Editing to test Signature.<p>[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: jebr0wn ]</p>

Please, don't anybody shoot since I am so new here and really don't know much about the protocol.<p>What I can say is this: Jeb, she doesn't want to save her marriage--perhaps only as a back up plan. If she is talking to someone else about moving in, etc...it's over. She thinks the grass is greener somewhere else. By refusing to cease her activities, she is telling you her wants are more important than your needs and feelings.<p>You might be able to salvage the marriage but you BOTH have to want to. I hope it works out for you but don't hold your breath, hon. In the meantime, go for counseling. Take care of yourself.

I feel your WS is much in the fog. She says it is over but if it were she would end it. <p>My WH told me he did not want to work on M and that he was leaving. Well he never left and the A has ended and now the fog is lifting.<p>I think you can save your M. Your W just does not know it yet. Get the book SAA it will really help you. Plan A her and work on no LB. It is a rocky road to say the least. But worth it in the long run.<p>Stay strong<p>
SLH

Update, <p> Last night we talked on the phone a bit, and decided to go our for coffee. We chain smoked too =/<p> We discussed our relationship as objectively as we could, and talked about the pro's and con's of going our separate ways, or throwing ourselves 100% into our marriage.<p> There was much awkward silence..<p> We both admitted that we may be trying to save this out of fear, instead of going for what is truly in our best interests. We aslo agreed that we may be considering divorce out of fear of being hurt or disappointed from failure or another affair.<p> Both of us spoke about how confused our emotions were, that one minute we may think the best thing is for us to break it off, and the next minute we think that we must save our marriage at all costs.<p> She and I have always made a perfect team, anything we work together on, bussines, games, whatever we excel as a team. We know that we can make this marriage work and both of us be "content". Basicly that means back to the way things were, best friends, but not really intimate.<p> Neither of us wants to be just "content".<p>We came to no decision as to which direction to take.

jeb,<p>That sounds encouraging. You are talking, avoiding LBs and learning about each others feelings. Keep 'dating' each other like you have been and keep the communication channels open. At this stage you can't do much more than that.
Give it time and patience, don't rush any decisions (certainly don't bring up the topic of divorce if you can, that's way too early).<p>One other thought, I'd avoid any discussion of the 'online' flirts - this is about you and your wife - they were only a catalyst.