What is wrong with me? I told WS I had had it. Caught S in another lie. Tried to argue with me although there was no weasel room. Told S either I get the truth about all my questions or it's OVER. No negotiation. This is it. Then S told me nothing and said I didn't want S around any longer and started to leave. I couldn't let go. I've wanted this to happen....anything to end the pain of knowing S is out there making a mockery of our marriage. At least if we're not together it won't be shoved in front of my face constantly. I could start a new life of my own. I hate to leave my home and neighborhood, but maybe I could find something close by. Then when it starts to happen I can't just cut loose. <p>We've been together for 20 years, and my therapist recently told me that S has major problem that explains so much of what has occurred over the past 20 years. Why can't I just cut my losses and move on??<p>I think A is with someone who is also married, and of course is a coworker just like many on this board. <p>S won't tell me anything. Just keeps denying and telling me I'm the only one. The red flags are so numerous I won't even mention them, but suffice it to say just about any one that someone could mention would probably have been noticed over the past year.<p>I think I want to be able to blink and have none of this have happened, and I think that's why some extremely small part of me wants to believe the lies, but my mind won't let me.<p>The past 5 months have been absolute hell...I need a resolution. Couples therapy has done absolutely nothing. Thank God for my individual therapist. <p>I know a PI could give me concrete evidence, and I think I just have to bite the bullet and hire one. Wish they weren't so expensive. I know we will eventually be divorced because there is nothing to work on when your S won't admit. No way to move on. Nothing to work on.

Hi,<p>You can work on yourself. There is a lot to do. You are angry right now and very very frustrated. In that mode you can make some very wrong decisions. Get ahold of yourself to get a clear mind and a calm heart. I am posting this to let you know I read your post and care. There will be other posts. Please be patient. <p>L.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know we will eventually be divorced because there is nothing to work on when your S won't admit. No way to move on. Nothing to work on. <hr></blockquote><p>As Orchid has indicated there is something you can work on...YOU.<p>Read all you can about LoveBusters...which ones do you practice? STOP.<p>Do a complete soul-searching. What things about YOU do you want to CHANGE for YOU. That is the most important thing...what your spouse does is NOT about YOU and what YOU do is not about your SPOUSE! You are only responsible for your half of the relationship. You can only manage and control YOUR half. Give up worrying, thinking about and trying to FIX your spouse's half.<p>Remember that change is SLOW, PAINFUL and incremental. You will take more steps backwards at first than you do forwards...but it is that forward motion that is the most important.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Told S either I get the truth about all my questions or it's OVER. No negotiation. This is it. Then S told me nothing and said I didn't want S around any longer and started to leave. I couldn't let go. I've wanted this to happen....anything to end the pain of knowing S is out there making a mockery of our marriage. At least if we're not together it won't be shoved in front of my face constantly. I could start a new life of my own. I hate to leave my home and neighborhood, but maybe I could find something close by. Then when it starts to happen I can't just cut loose. <hr></blockquote><p>Watched Dr. Phil today...the "Getting Real" series...this smacks of Getting him before he gets meone of the many 'games' Dr. Phil says we play. Find a way to reword this to your spouse that takes out the judgments, the demands, and the anger...YES, you definitely need to set boundaries...BUT it can be done without burning bridges...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I think I want to be able to blink and have none of this have happened, and I think that's why some extremely small part of me wants to believe the lies, but my mind won't let me.<p>The past 5 months have been absolute hell...I need a resolution.
<hr></blockquote><p>Finding the courage to get to the heart of one's relationship and cut through one's 'fog' is not easy, and, you need to be prepared for the fact the 'resolution' may not be the one you envision.<p>TAKE CARE NOT TO REACT OUT OF FRUSTRATION but do take the time to carefully act and plan. <p>Trying

Orchid and Trying Again....<p>Thanks for the support. I am angry...I am frustrated. I do need to work on me. I know you are right that I need to focus on what's wrong with me and do my own thing. I am finding a hard time doing that because we've been a couple so long. I think in couple mode.<p>The thing about all this is that my S really does nice things for me many times, even now. In reading about the problem my S has, I've come to understand that they're not done out of love for me. They're done due to a compulsion to look good in my eyes. So, even though, I still love S and the life we had, it was just an illusion. S is not capable of truly loving me for me. S has been unable after all these years to even identify something about me that is better than anyone else.<p>I've been trying to get out of the house more, but I have a hard time motivating myself to go. We did most everything together. It's not been the same when we do the same things together, so I'd prefer to do things along now. I'm trying to start doing that.<p>Thank you for your responses. I'll keep trudging forward and looking inside.