IM A MARRIED WOMEN, WHO HAS HAD SEVERAL AFFAIRS.
I DONT REALLY UNDERSTAND WHY I DO IT BESIDES I LOVE
THE ATTENTION. ITS NOT LIKE I DONT GET IT AT HOME BECAUSE I DO. I HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND .HE IS GREAT IN EVERY WAY.ESPECIALLY SEX . WE HAVE GREAT SEX. AND I DO LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART. I WOULD DIE IF ANY THING WOULD EVER TO HAPPEN TO US.I HAVE STOPPED ALL THE AFFAIRS. THAT WAS HARD BUT I DID IT. I EXPLAINED TO MY LOVER THE WHOLE STORY AND HOW I FELT ABOUT EVERYTHING. I TOLD HIM THAT I LOVE MY HUSBAND VERY MUCH AND WANT TO STOP.AND THAT IF SITUATION WAS DIFFERENT THEN I WOULD BE WITH HIM.ALSO THAT I AM TRYING TO LIVE A CHRISTIAN LIFE.I KNOW, YOU ARE PROBALY SAYING IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN HOW COULD YOU DO THAT.LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING IM A SINNER SAVED BY GRACE. YES I SIN. WE ALL DO. THATS WHY IT WAS IMPORTANT THAT I STOP.JESUS SAID "YE WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE" IM NOT PERFECT.I MESSED UP.AND NOW IVE LEARNED FROM MY MISTAKES. IVE NOT TOLD MY HUSBAND. IVE WANTED TOO.BUT HAVE TALK TO PEOPLE WHO SAYS NOT TOO. SO IM NOT.<p>[ November 17, 2001: Message edited by: crystal lave ] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] AND I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART.<p>[ November 17, 2001: Message edited by: crystal lave ]</p>

Crystal,<p> It is good that you found your way to this site. It is full of great infromation to help you with your marriage. I am sure that another more experienced MB can help you. I just wanted to welcome you to Marriage Builders. We are all hear to help each other. We will all try and help you if we can.<p>Indy

Crystal,<p>It seems that our stories are similar, but I have only had one affair. I guess the motivating factors for me were that someone (different) found me attractive, was attentive to me, maybe the thrill of the secret and new sex is always great to me. This affair recently ended and while I am now physically faithful again, I'm having trouble getting my mind back where it should be. To make matters worse (for me, anyway) the OP is a friend of H and will still be coming around from time to time. I can't change my behavior or H may figure the worst out.<p>I have a great husband who I know really loves me and I love him and would die if he left me. I don't know why I took such a risk. I do know that now I am relieved that I'm not lying and sneaking around anymore. And the sex with OP wasn't even great...I don't understand it myself why I can't just be glad that H didn't find out and move on. And I certainly wouldn't want to marry the OP. I don't understand. I really don't. <p>I would like to suggest that you seek counseling. You (and I) must find out what need we're not having met and understand the solution. The guilt is eating me up...hell, I just talked myself into calling my therapist and starting to see her again. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Please seek help before you destroy your marriage. Don't hurt the wonderful H you have.

CL,<p>First of all, read everything on this site. There is a wealth of good information for building better marriages. Second, post here often, there are some wonderful, insightful folks here who will help you.<p>It probably wouldn't be a bad idea to buy a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" (site bookstore has it).<p>Good for you for finding this site and coming forward. Now, I'm going to say something that's going to be unpleasant to read. This applies to both you and DDallas. If you're keeping this secret from your H, you are CONTINUING to lie to him (even though it's not an ACTIVE lie, withholding vital information is the same). I don't want to come off as all-knowing and judgemental, please don't take it that way. <p>I'm speaking from experience here. You see, 4 years ago, I had an EA (emotional affair- no sex, etc...). I woke up after about three months and ended it. I thought that'd be it, I had rededicated myself to my marriage and everything was going to be hunky dory....wrong. The guilt slowly ate away at me, and I slowly began to withdraw from the marriage- I wasn't communicating, I wasn't affectionate or intimate, I sabbotaged our relationship so that we'd fight and I'd have a "good" reason to be down, etc.... Well the ride has come full circle, my W is now engaged in a PA (physical affair- sex). <p>I finally came clean when she did, and it only hurt our chances at reconciliation. Not only does she have to forgive me for the problems leading up to HER A, but she also has to forgive me for lying to her for four years.<p>Long story short, IMHO it's ALWAYS best to tell them. You wouldn't want to build a NEW marriage on top of these deceptions and lies, would you? YES, it's going to hurt. YES, you MIGHT lose your H. YES, it's going to take a LONG time to get over it. YES, he's going to lose all trust in you. BUT- if the two of you CAN get past all that, I am CERTAIN that you'll have a good, honest foundation on which to build a marriage the likes of which you've never even conceived.<p>Good luck in the months ahead. Know that we're all here for you.<p>Kev

Kev,<p>I completely understand what you are saying. And it's a big bit of soul-searching that needs to be done here for me. I appreciate your advice and I will give it the utmost consideration. Thanks.

As read you read more at this site you will realize that you will have to tell your H what happened in order restore your M. Because if you don't he will find out for his self. You can think you have covered it up but some how the truth always comes out. It would better that he hears it from you than someone else.

Hi Crystal,<p>And welcome to MB !!!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>SO WHAT IS WRONG?<hr></blockquote><p>Nobody here can tell you what's wrong with your marriage and why you have affairs. Only you know that. All people here can do is lend an ear, offer advice, be supportive, and lots of other good stuff too [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] but I don't think anybody can tell you what's wrong. And nobody here will take it lightly. Affairs, of any sort, have done and will continue to do cruel and brutal damage.<p>Everbody here (well, nearly everybody !!!) is trying to save their marriages so they're asking questions about how do they do this, their checking their own sanity and asking for opinions about how to move forward.<p>So, maybe the question you should ask yourself is what's wrong with you? Why do you allow yourself to enjoy the attention of other men when you have committed yourself to an exclusive relationship with your husband. Why have you chosen to behave in a way which will hurt your husband terribly when and if he should find out. <p>What do you think the answers are?<p>- Freddy

CL,<p>Just one more random thought here. On the HOME page, at the top center, there's a link to QUESTIONAIRES. Go there and print out the EN (emotional needs) form. Fill it out. There are instructions on how to consider each EN in the book I referenced earlier that really helped me to quantify my needs. I imagine those same instructions are here somewhere. <p>Think long and hard about what needs you have, and which ones aren't being met by your H. Approach him with your completed form and ask him to help you give your M a tune-up. Maybe even have him fill out the form for himself. Once both of you have identified your EN, you can each work on meeting them.<p>Don't know if you're ready for that yet, but at the very least you should fill out the form for yourself.<p>Kev

crystal, Sounds like you need to do some seriously deep soul searching. You said H is wonderful but you didn't say you love him. Any reason? What are your motivations? What are you lacking in yourself or your marriage?<p>I seriously doubt that you'll be able to keep this from your H indefinitley and not suffer any consequences. I imagine that, deep inside, H feels something is wrong. he may not acknowledge it even to himself but it's there and it will have an impact on your interractions. As will the differences in your actions. Odds are, this will fester in both of you and eventually tear you apart. you have many things to contend with and consider in your soul searching. may you gain insight and clarity.<p>I wish you all the best