WS,<p> Lupo brought up a good question on my post. It is a question that I thought everyone would like some insight on.<p> When you were seperated from you spouse were you always out having a good time?<p>Indy<p>[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]<p>[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</p>

Bump.

I just asked my H your question.<p>Right away, he answered, "No". He wasn't always out having a good time. He says he was busy doing the day to day humdrum of stuff (like working, eating, sleeping, etc).<p>I don't think he wants to talk about that time in his life anymore. It's understandable that he just wants to forget about it, and move on.<p>Now, from my experience as a BS with him, he wasn't home very often. And even if he was, he was spending his time chatting with his new women friends on the phone or online. (we were separated for 4 months). He would come here now and then to visit the kids, and then have to go, b/c he promised so and so that he'd help them fix their car, etc. Total Bullcrap!! Typical WS fogese... he was going out on dates.<p>His buddy guy friend (who he goes out with FAR too often for my liking) said that H was miserable during our separation. Apparently he was always going on about "I miss Karen", etc. This same friend didn't know about how many women H had slept around with either (3 for sure).<p>A freakin' yo-yo he was!! Back and forth and up and down. Call it a waffling fence sitter if you will... but I prefer yo-yo tonight. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Topie25,<p> Thanks for the reply. I asked my WS the samething back in July. She said that she wasn't happy either. I don't understand them. If they are not happy then why leave in the first place?<p>Indy

Simple answer to your question Indy... they think it's entirely US that makes them unhappy. Perhaps b/c the OP is making them feel happy and we don't? Who knows the actual percentages there (lol).<p>I believe that it is true that they need time to figure it all out. If they actually do that, they'll come to realize that it's THEM that is making them unhappy. <p>All the more reason for a great plan A. It doesn't give them any chance to rationalize their actions b/c of our behaviour (and actions).<p>Karen

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by INDY_357:
<strong>Topie25,<p>If they are not happy then why leave in the first place?<p>Indy</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This is purely speculation on my part but IMHO. I've kinda come to the conclusion that many (not all) WS get caught up in an affair because they're not happy at home to start out with. In some of those cases they are quietly and secretively looking for the cause of their unhappiness and frequently find molehills with their spouse that can be stretched into mountains to help self justify looking for happiness outside the marriage. I also think that this situation at times could be viewed as an act of self-preservation because if you can not find the source of your unhappiness in your immediate environment then the next step is to look in the mirror for the problem. That process of self-actualization is down right scary and even worse if you are not in a place to deal with what you see. So I do not find it at all surprising that the WS who fall into this category are also unhappy while away from home. <p>
WS&#8230;please no flames, I said "some" not all.<p>[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: Hi Infidelity ]<p>[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: Hi Infidelity ]</p>

Let me rephrase my own question - I really wanted to know is: WAS life "better" while you were separated? In other words, if they are "in the fog" for 4, 6 months or longer, when do the "good times" end? Or are there really any? My WH just seems so "normal" whenever I talk to him....even tho others here say "...they're in the fog." Maybe it's just an act he's putting on for me, but I just don't "hear" it in his voice. <p>Some of you have visited www.RejoiceMinistries.org. Shortly after I found this place, someone directed their thread to that place, so I went there. I found LOTS of good info there, as well as here.<p>It helps to understand where they are "coming from" (I mean that website, NOT our WS's!!) it is a Christian-based ministry to help restore M's. Anyway, the point of this post is to put up a phone number that that site uses to help BS's understand what WS's "think" while in the fog. It's recorded by Bob Steinkampf. He was the WS (they call themselves the Prodigal Spouses). Call the number - it's a recording. It's only a minute and a half long, so not too bad for long distance. It brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it, but I call it about once a month....it's also comforting in some ways.<p>954.781.5047<p>Still hoping to hear from other WS's, or mates of WS's if you can get your WS to answer the original question. <p>Lupo

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by lupolady:
<strong> WAS life "better" while you were separated?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well.. I just talked to H about the rephrased question. His answer is that "Yes and No, life was(n't) better".<p>Yes it was better in the fact that he had little responsibilities, and his life was less stressful. What us BS's on here refer to as the total 'selfishness' is true. <p>And No, it wasn't better, because he found he really did miss most of the 'stresses' (i.e. LIFE!! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ). It was mostly the kids that he missed, but apparently he did miss the 'stresses' of me too. Whatever that means [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . (Gosh.. I'm sure cynical tonight, huh? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>H claims that there weren't really any 'good times' for him. I beg to differ... but that's my resentment coming through yet again ( [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] ). He still says that he used that time apart to do a lot of thinking... but I still have trouble believing that - knowing how many women he dated and slept with. Damn! How could he possibly had time to think when he was too busy 'frolicking'??? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I better stop now... or else this will turn into a far bigger vent than it should. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Bump.

I am BS but I snoop/sleuth WW to death ... I planned a voice activated recorder in my WW cars ... warning for BS !!! make sure you could take it, it drain my LB$$ and I am hanging here by faith ...<p>From what I heard, yes they have fun but they also paranoid that wondering which devices carried bugs. WW always left everything including purse, cell phone & pager on the car. My name always props up in their conversations. I know one thing w/ my WW, she is suffering from this also, one summer she has to be hospitalized & doctor could not find anything.
Since "Conversations" is her top most EN, I am a topic once in a while. I am feeding it too to let her wonder "you love me you love me not". She is confused like hell right now, let see how long before OM LB.

hmmm..I'm the WS (as in I am the one who had the affair) and have been seperated for over a year--so I guess I qualify in answering these questions..<p>Am I out every night having fun?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No..I have three kids to take care of..If I go out it's when the kids are with their father..which is rare that he has ALL 3 of them at the same time..
maybe one night every two or three weeks.. <p>And the second question I think it was am I happier??<p>I would say yes I am..<p>I no longer having to deal with his insecurities when he calls me up drunk and starts accusing me of things..I can hang up the phone and let him deal with it and not feel like I have to explain myself or my actions to him..<p>Sure I have stresses..but they really aren't any different than what I had before..I am still the only one here on a day to day basis raising my children..alone<p>the only real differences now than before is that I've had to go back to work..and I pay for daycare that I didn't before..and he actually spends time with the kids to where I get a break..<p>I have more of a life now than I did before..not in that I go out, but just in the fact I get a couple days a month where I don't have to be totally responsible for three other ppl..I have more "me" time..not much more..but more than I've had in 8 years..I have a couple days that I am not hearing kids fight, and argue, and have to be the only one there to deal with it..even when he was here..he didn't help discipline the kids..he always had me "deal" with it..telling them "go tell your mom" -- now he can't do that
when they are at his house..he has to deal with it..<p>So am I happier?? Yes..I am...do I wish things could've been different?? Yes, I wish he would have been here physically, and the few times a year he was here, I wish he would have been here emotionally and more responsible as a parent..and not always tried to be the "good guy" (which in many ways he still tries to do) by trying to make our oldest daughter (13) responsible for her brother and sister while he locks himself up in the room or goes outside and drinks.<p>But I guess all BS's feel this way..my stbxh thinks that just because we are seperated I entertain every night...but then..he thought that even when we weren't seperated and he was just working out of town..<p>You can think what you want..but I highly doubt that they are out every night..they probably don't even have company as often as you think they are<p>But instead of worrying about what they are or aren't doing..you should be living your own life..
Isn't that what plan B is about??? Living your own life and not worrying about what everyone else is doing..if it seems that everyone else is doing what you aren't..then maybe you should go out and do things..lifes to short to let it go by..trust me..I've done that for years...<p>[ November 14, 2001: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</p>

Bump.

Topie --<p>Can I mention something? You say you go to your H with questions from this board. And that he doesn't like to talk about it.<p>Aren't you concerned with these LB'ers? Are you using this forum to bring up issues that you want your H to answer?<p>Since you said you talked to H about it, I assumed that you are in recovery -- guess I'm not sure about that part of your story. But it can't be a good idea to bring up these issues -- especially if you know you're making your H unhappy and that he doesn't want to talk about it.

Hi Infidelity:<p>This is purely speculation on my part but IMHO. I've kinda come to the conclusion that many (not all) WS get caught up in an affair because they're not happy at home to start out with. In some of those cases they are quietly and secretively looking for the cause of their unhappiness and frequently find molehills with their spouse that can be stretched into mountains to help self justify looking for happiness outside the marriage. I also think that this situation at times could be viewed as an act of self-preservation because if you can not find the source of your unhappiness in your immediate environment then the next step is to look in the mirror for the problem. That process of self-actualization is down right scary and even worse if you are not in a place to deal with what you see. So I do not find it at all surprising that the WS who fall into this category are also unhappy while away from home. <p>TR-I agree..having to look within yourself is very scary, and down right painful..which is why so many ppl look to other ppl or things to find happiness..<p>They start drinking, thinking as long as I don't feel the pain inside..it doesn't exist, if I do drugs..it won't exist..if I buy things..I'll be happy, if I find someone else..then I'll be happy..<p>They continue to put the responsibility of their happiness on "someone" or "something" else..
not facing the fact that they are responsible for their own feelings..and they refuse to "own" their feelings..<p>they don't want to or are afraid to feel the pain they feel inside. It's so much easier to NOT face and accept this is how you feel, and this is why-
and learn to do something about it..they are afraid to grow..

Bump