I&#8217;m new to this forum and would appreciate feedback. This seems like the best and most informative site for learning how to address relationship issues. My wife and I lived together for four years and have now been married for five. We have two boys, ages 3 ½ and 2. Before we were married we took an intensive couples class (PAIIRS) which was very enlightening but because we hadn&#8217;t experienced REALLY major issues, had limited application at the time. <p>One month ago my wife told me she has not been happy for several years now and only stayed with me because of our children but that this was no longer enough. She thought we were too &#8220;incompatible&#8221; and said we would be better off apart. I agreed we had numerous problems that have built up especially over the last few years and that we have withdrawn from each other, but that I still love her and believe if we could learn to meet each others&#8217; emotional needs, this would be far better than divorce. I think she basically agreed with this but said she no longer loves me and she doesn&#8217;t know if she can regain that feeling.<p>The next day she suggested we separate for a while so we could &#8220;sort things out.&#8221; I became somewhat suspicious that another man may be involved, but when I asked her, she denied this and said the issues are only between us. We agreed that she would stay at a hotel for two nights so that she could get a break and do some journaling. I sent her flowers at the hotel and brought her some at home when she came back. She acted almost offended that I would do this and later said what she really wanted was a divorce. Over the next few days things became much worse and culminated in a ranting, screaming scene in front our children in which she said she did not love me, has been unhappy for a long time had no interest in counseling through our church or through a professional. She said I should have seen this coming, because she has been telling me for a long time she was not happy and was thinking about leaving.<p>Some background. My wife becomes very angry when we address any number of topics between us and it is true she has threatened leaving me in the past but usually only during the height of an argument. Although I did believe she was angry and often unhappy, I did not believe she actually wanted to leave, and she usually apologized for saying this after the fact. My personal background is that I have built up defenses to anger (it was dangerous to me as a child) and withdraw in the face of it, which historically causes my wife to become more angry. I think this is called a negative infinity loop. My wife&#8217;s behavior often evokes my emotional allergies, which in turn cause me to withdraw and not be available to her. In the past she has said some other very nasty things to me when I tried to reach out to her, which I now know has further caused me not to confide in her for fear of rejection.<p>Back to the present. I thought it very uncharacteristic that she would simply want to leave and not try anything to save our marriage. We had been to counseling in the past. It seemed like she was going out of her way to say hurtful things and discourage my attempts at healing our relationship. My gut feeling was that there was something more and this was confirmed when I found a very romantic card in her briefcase that, although unaddressed, was clearly not for me. She continued to deny any feelings toward a third party, so I confronted her with this card, and she finally did admit that there was a man at work she had been fantasizing about but that she did not know if she was really going to give him the card. It turns out he is married with children too and my wife and this other man have been confiding in each other about their marriage problems. In the last couple weeks I have now learned from my wife that she was attracted to him, that he listened to her and that if she had given him the card it would have been to check out his level of interest in having an affair.<p>I have been devastated both by her continuing statements that she no longer loves me, and by her emotional bonding with this other man. Despite her statements to the contrary, I did not see this coming. I&#8217;ve been getting little sleep and my brain is working overtime trying to determine if more actually exists. I am becoming extremely depressed about what will happen to my little boys and to me, and I find myself exceedingly angry with my wife that she has risked the well-being of our family. We are now going to counseling together and individually, and I am trying to meet her emotional needs, which I regrettably neglected in the past. She has also agreed to cease contact with this other man, who now is reportedly going to counseling with his wife. I have not yet requested that she quit her job or seek a transfer, and although I have asked, she refuses to tell me his name. I feel that if I am willing to trust that she will not have contact with this other man (or tell me if he contacts her) then she should trust me not to contact him so long as she lives up to her agreement. She won't tell me his name because she is concerned I in fact will contact him if I further suspect there is something going on. I want to know his identity so I can contact him if in fact I confirm they are confiding again or worse. I suppose it&#8217;s a trust but verify mentality.<p>The issues I have are: 1) my guts tell me that there is (was?) more going on with this other man so what else should I do?; 2) if she is (or was) in fact emotionally and/or physically involved with him, I don&#8217;t want them working together, so is it reasonable in these circumstances to demand she quit?; 3) even if she is willing to work on our relationship now, should I still request that she quit or transfer to get away from this outside contamination, because the temptation to begin an affair would be so great? I want to feel secure about this issue so I can focus all of my efforts on healing our relationship and meeting hermotional needs. I know pressin my wife on this issue is not helpful in buildin good feelings but if something is still going on with this other person, I feel it MUST be resolve first.<p>If nothing in fact happened yet, then I think to myself &#8220;Thank God I found that card and confronted her.&#8221; If I hadn&#8217;t confronted her and she had given it to him, the affair likely would be off and running. Part of me thinks she is still lying to me and already has had an affair. I know that if we are going to save our marriage, I must meet her emotional needs and that these issues have nothing to do with another party. My concern is whether I am being naïve or too trusting in this situation, I want to know now so I can take some decisive action, if necessary. I am convinced that so long as she relies on this other person for her emotional needs, we have no chance of healing our relationship.<p>I thank you for making it to the end of this story and I welcome your comments or advice.

Hi there RJB2,<p>My goodness - so many similar threads with my story - the suddenness, the telling of martial problems to a co-worker, the saying no longer in love with, etc., etc. I've been going through this since Sept. 3.<p>In my case, I could have been suspicious about a PA, although my wife claims it's only emotional. For some reason, I believe her. It's a gut thing. I have some reasoning, but don't know for sure. It's a hard time with trust at an all-time low. What does your gut tell you, really?<p>Here at MB, you'll quickly find so many others who've been through a lot. And you'll find a lot of good information. There's many philosophies on approaching this kind of situation, and MB to me anyway makes a lot of sense. A starting question would be "do you love her?" - sounds like a clear yes right now - for me, that means Plan A.<p>Be prepared for a long ride - I'd hoped to "fix it" quickly and move on - it won't happen. For all the pain and heartache, there will be opportunities for growth - I've had to latch on to these to keep me sane. I feel for you, man, as we all do.

RJB2,
Welcome to MB ... get educated here ...<p>Here's a good place to start:
General Welcome for All New Builders
Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes
Plan A misapplication by Distress
WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses
50 signs your spouse is having an affair <p>My 2¢ is stop pressuring her or even mentioning A. Go through the above link and get educated about MB. There are many thing you could do to snoop/sleuth ... cell phone record, home phone detail record, credit card bill, etc matching times & occations that you have think A occurs. Get a voice activated recorder and plan it on her car or your home, get computer keyboard logger, or get even remote control software. However what are you going to do with this information ? Could you handle it ? (hurt you more) . If this info just to confront your W (hurt her more) do not do it . Use the info to monitor and check [b] how deep A is and to check your progress on plan A.<p>Keep posting ... for specific Q .. be ready to ride roller coaster of yourlife.

Thanks for your feedback. I read my post again and realize some of it is rather confusing, which reflects the way I feel. I do want to truly know the exact nature of her relationship with OM. The way I feel right now is that if relationship is ongoing with OM and she has not actually cut off all contact with him as promised, then I want her out of my life and I will initiate action to protect myself and my boys. These are the boundaries I have set for myself. I do not want to try to win back her love if she is emotionally bonding or having A with OM. Perhaps if my worst fears are confirmed I would have a change of heart (about doing Plan A), but I don't think so. I cannot stand the lying and I don't want to be a dupe.<p>If she has cut off all contact with OM, I welcome the opportunity to rebuild our marriage. I truly do love her and I don't want to devastate our young family. I know my boys would be crushed if we divorced, and the oldest one is already involved in some distubing acting-out behavior at his day care. I must admit I am having some trouble trying to meet her emotional needs (depositing love units) now because I am so P***ed off about the whole thing.<p>I could financially support our family if she quit work or took a leave of absence (to get away from OM). Any thoughts whether you think I should ask her to do this, or is it more likely to back-fire (i.e., make her feel I am tying to force her to stay). I would have no problems if she were to find job in her field elsewhere, which I believe she could easily do.<p>Thanks.

RJB2,<p>>>>> Perhaps if my worst fears are confirmed I would have a change of heart (about doing Plan A), but I don't think so. <<<<<p>Yes, I felt this way for a while too earlier. For me, it changed, and I decided I'd try Plan A - mainly for my own benefit - to convince myself I'd done everything I could to save "us" - and that if it failed, I'd personally walk away easier, and a better person. Everyone's different, though, and everyone has their own breaking points. I'm slowly getting there.<p>>>>> I must admit I am having some trouble trying to meet her emotional needs (depositing love units) now because I am so P***ed off about the whole thing. <<<<<p>I'm having troubles meeting her needs too right now - but mainly because she won't let me - she's set up an emotional wall between us. She claims she won't stay unless her "feelings are real" for me, and her feelings won't likely be real while she's seeing OM, and won't leave OM until her feelings feel real - what a mess!!<p>>>>> Any thoughts whether you think I should ask her to do this, or is it more likely to back-fire (i.e., make her feel I am tying to force her to stay). <<<<<p>This could very well be a big LB. I've had to wrestle with this too. Early on, I mentioned it to her in as a constructive way that I could. But it was probably interpreted as LB. Just recently, we've approached the subject again. I tried to phrase it along the lines of "I'm not asking you to quit your job. But one of my fears is..." - and went on to describe the "infinite loop" situation she's in. The phrasing focused on my feelings - something she can't really deny or argue with. I've received some good feedback on these kinds of communication skills from both MB and my counselor. You might want to consider counseling - even if just individually (which is what W and I are doing right now - been there for about 6 weeks - supposed to start going together in a couple of weeks - we'll see how that goes).<p>Hope all goes well and keep us updated!