I am not sure what to think.. my husband cheated on me when he was away... and then he calls me to tell me that he did it and he thinks that everything should stay the way that it was... He keeps asking me all these questions and i have no answers for him at all and he dosent understand why i cant answer them.. i just feel like i am losing everything that i have worked so hard for and i can't stop it.. and on the other hand i have been alone for so long i dont know if i can live with him again.. i have 2 children and i have been there for them and he hasnt.. i know that is not his fault he went away because of his job. but how do you trust someone that does that to you or even look at them again.. he wants everything to be like it was before and i dont know if i can do that or even if i want it that way again... like i said i have been alone now for 8 months and taking care of my children all by myself and i know that i am doing a great job. could someone please help me and share some ideas with me.. i would really appreciate it.. thanks [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

You're right. Your M (marriage) cannot be the same as it was before. It is different now. Together, you and your H can work through it if it's something you both want to do.<p>If you haven't already, be sure to read as much as you can on this site. The most important are the Basic Concepts, Emotional Needs (EN's), and Love Busters (LB's).<p>Strangely enough, I'm at a loss for words [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] , but I do want to welcome you to Marriage Builders. You're sure to find many people in similar situations as yours, who can help you by sharing what helped them.<p>Karen

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] thanks for your reply i really appreciated it. to tell you the truth i dont know if i want to work on it or not. I have mixed feelings right now and i am not sure what to do about them. I guess that i have to figure them out some how... i will keep you posted though..

Karry<p>For starters, do not make any decisions while you are so upset. Give yourself some time to deal with the pain, etc. Here is a link that might help in that reguard. <p>WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000553<p>Here’s a link to the newcomer welcome thread ……<p>General Welcome for All New Builders<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000553<p>
You might want to go to the “Just Found Out” forum and read everything there posted by “ongoing”. It’s a lot of general information that you might find useful.<p>I’ll check back later and see how you are doing.<p>Z<p>[ November 14, 2001: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Hi Karry I'm glad that you found MB. There is alot of valubale information here so as Topie stated read as much as you can. You will find alot of great people in the same situation as you just trying to cope and get on with our lives.
Are you in counseling? You will also find alot of support here at MB. Keep posting.
Good luck,
C

HI Karry- I can understand how devastated you must feel. I think it is common for spouses who cheat to want to not DEAL with the inevitable fall-out and get to the root of the problems which underly the marriage. I know in my H's case he was ashamed and embarassed when he finally ended all contact with OW. The last thing he wanted was to have to FACE HIMSELF in the mirror and me in front of a counselor and take apart the problems/issues/communication problems that led up to his betraying me. But I think this is truly necessary in order to prevent it from happening again in the future. My H and I have been in counseling for 8 mo since H ended his A. I knew things werent 'quite right' in our marriage but neither of us knew how to change the long standing bad patterns until we were in counseling for some time. Dont allow your H to convince you that his cheating was a fluke. He chose to do it and he should choose to actively work on your marriage now TOO. lifeismessy

Karry, Sorry for your pain. You'll get some fantastic insight from the wonderful folks around here. All I can suggest is to follow the links you were given and learn all you can. You're right to think that your M is different. It will never be what it was prior to the A. It can be better though as long as both of you want it and are willing to do the work. I wish you alll the best! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]