3 1/2 weeks ago I discovered that my husband was having an affair with our teenage houseguest. When I discovered the notes that they wrote each other, I confronted him. I told her to get out of my house. He left with her. He said that she filled holes that I didn't fill and I fill holes that she doesn't fill. He has said that he will do anything that I want and be anything that he wants to be other than give her up. I told him that I couldn't do anything until he gave her up. This is a messed up kid, drugs, rape, beaten, deserted by her parents. Definately not a lasting situation, in my biased opinion. They are living with one of his friends. For the first week, he came over everyday and told me that he still loved me and didn't want a divorce. He agreed to go to counseling and the the counselor wanted to see him alone first, the counselor told me that if I had the strength and patience that we could work it out. She called me about a week after they left and was crying, beggin for my help in leaving him. She was so sorry for messing up my life "all she wanted was a mommy and daddy to love her". She didn't want me to tell him that she called and then he emails me the next day and says that he can't believe that I would call her and try to get her to meet me and if I don't quit calling her he will move and not tell me where he is. I asked for the house keys and he went 5 days without seeing our kids. He keeps telling him that he is so sorry for hurting me and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. He has left everything except for his clothes here. His boss told him that he is ruining his life and to go home. We have had a least three really good conversations where we have talked about our problems. He made the comment on Saturday that "you feel this way now, and if I come home and if we work this out, will we be back here in 2 years?" I told him that I have spent a lot of time thinking and have realized a lot of mistakes and I apologized to him for those mistakes. I know that what he did was worse, but I needed to apologize for my mistakes. I thought we might have a chance on Sat. but then on Sun, he was mad because I told a co-worker about his honey being sexually assulted. I hung up on him. Yesterday, he had left a message on my machine telling the kids that he loved them. I let them call him and we spoke again. He asked if I knew the feeling of "knowing that a loved one is going to die and you don't want them to die but you know that you can't save them, that is the way I feel about this marriage right now" I told him that this death was preventable and I did want the old marriage to die so that we could build a better and stronger one. He has a son from a college relationship. He is supposed to pick him this weekend. I asked if he was planning on doing that. He said that he didn't know and wanted to know if I would consider letting him drop him off at my/our house while he is at work and then coming over sat night and "staying and see how things go" I told him that I didn't want to be his babysitter and he ought to think about his feelings for a person that he won't even leave his kids with. But I want to see my stepson. My H admitted last night that want he did was much worse than any mistake I made. I don't know whether to wait for him to wake up and come home and then work on fixing this mess or just say forget it and go on. Everytime I ask him if he wants a divorce, he says no, I dont' know. He has paid all the bills that his paycheck normally pays, even though it leaves him with next to nothing. I just dont' know what to do.

Oh wow. What a situation you're in.<p>((((((((((( Linaka )))))))))))
(those are cyber hugs...grin).<p>My first concern is the age of your "teenage guest". Is she of age? Or are you talking statuatory rape?<p>Karen

[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] ok so he has an affair with a teenager and you know who she is... right? can i ask you do you think that he wont do it again? i am not trying to be crittical or anything but, the saying goes once a cheater always a cheater... if he is going to do it once he will do it again.. i know that you love your H. I think that is great, but you have to ask yourself if you are still in love with him. i am going thru similar things that you are but, mine cheated on me and then calls me drunk off his A.. and tells me this. so now i dont know what to think. he thinks everything should be the way that it was and i dont think that way i figure that if he did it once that he will do it again... so that is something that you need to think about. how long have you been together? now you have children with him? right. Please dont let him talk you into doing something that you dont want to do. you need to take care of you first before you can take care of anyone else. if you are not happy with yourself then you cant make anyone else happy either... so make sure that you take care of yourself first.. do what is best for you... as far as she is concerned she is putting the both of you at each other.. she is playing games with him and with you. like you said in the letter that she told him that you called her now he got mad at you that is what she wants him to do. just keep your chin up and make yourself happy ok.. take care of yourself... good luck.. karry

Welcome, Linaka:<p>It is good that you have come here. From what you write, there is a lot of reason to hope that you and your H can work through this. You are just beginning a journey that, even if it is successful, is likely to take many months. It's important to be patient and strong. <p>Your H has made a terrible mistake. He has chosen a path that is making himself miserable as well as you. He is still deep in a state of mental turmoil, denial, avoidance, and self-delusion that we call THE FOG. He truly is incapable to make rational decisions at this time. He has to work his way out of the fog by himself, and that will take time. <p>You do not deserve his disrespectful treatment, and as MB concepts will tell you, the affair is not about you. It is about your H's weaknesses.
I know that doesn't make you hurt less right now. But no amount of dissatisfaction in a marriage justifies what he had done.<p>What is hopeful is that he is already showing a lot of remorse. I think his relationship with this girl will be shortlived. When he does decide to give her up, then your healing can begin. For now stay strong about not letting him have her and you, too.<p>If you have not already done so, read everything on this site. It is so helpful. Read the Harley's book, Surviving an Affair. Go to the article Plan A and Plan B in the main part of the site. Begin immediately to implement Plan A. Think about ways that you can legitimately meet his needs, avoid love busters (see the main part of the web site), and begin taking good care of yourself, because the stress will wear you down. You have to stay healthy for yourself and for the kids.<p>I think you have a better than average chance of recovery. Read a lot, be firm about what you will and will not tolerate from H, and take care of yourself. <p>Keep posting. We're listening.<p>Estes

Oops! I didn't see your profile signature when I first responded.<p>But it's still a legitimate question. Does this A (affair) qualify as statuatory rape where you are? If so, IMO, you have to decide how to deal with that first. I know that in my case, because of the crap I've been through with my H, I wouldn't stand for it, and he'd be out for good. I would personally be the one to make the call to the police.<p>As karry said, the saying goes, "once a cheater, always a cheater".... but that isn't necessarily the case... IF the problems which resulted in the choice to have the A are taken care of and addressed to a close.<p>Read up on Emotional Needs (EN's), Love Busters (LB's), and Plan A and Plan B. If you want to save your marriage, you would be best to go into a plan A mode. But you have to make that decision for yourself first. One step at a time. <p>I won't kid you.. it's a long hard process to go through. But no matter what the outcome of the marriage is, be it recovery or divorce, you will be a better person by learning and implementing the MB concepts. <p>So... do you know what you want? Do you love him enough to work on your marriage? Or do you think you won't be able to get past this and need to move on? You are the only one who can answer this.<p>Karen

Linaka, <p>MelodyLane's thread, Set your WS free!, might be helpful to you. It's here in GQII.<p>Estes

Linaka,<p>Other's here might disagree with me. But I think that in your case going to Plan B right away might help. Your H will get a chance to see how many of his ENs you are filling and how many the OW is filling. If their relationship is left to see the light of day and have to stand on it's own, I really do not think it will last long at all. Another reason for the Plan B right now is that your H’s involvement with this girl could bring you some real legal problems. You need to protect yourself and your children from this.<p>There is another concern here though. How did this girl come to live with you? Are you her foster parents? Was she placed with you and your husband to take care of her? If this is the case, then you husband is really on shaky legal grounds. If an agency placed her with you, then please call them and let them know what is going on. If not then call child protective services. Even if this is not statutory rape, it does seem that your H is contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Your H’s friend, who is letting them stay with him, could also be guilty of the same crime. Does this girl drink and do drugs with your H and in the friend’s house? What if she OD’s when she is with your H or is in an accident? This is very serious. <p>By the way, in most states, any adult who knows that a child is being abused is legally obligated to notify the police and child protective services of the abuse. If the knowing adult does not do this, they are also considered guilty of the crime because they allowed it to go on. You absolutely have to check out the legality of all this to protect yourself and your children. <p>If the young lady was my daughter (or I knew her in anyway), and she was put up in your house, and your husband had an affair with her, I would bring charges against you and your husband. I would let the police sort it out as to who was guilty. <p>I have had the unpleasant opportunity to sit in children’s court a few times in the last few months. I saw a string of young girls like your “guest” go through there. The courts took custody of them and put them in residential treatment centers. I doubt that the courts would let her be on her own if they knew what was going on.<p>I know that this would not be easy. Recently I found myself in the position of having to turn in a member of our family to child protective services for sexually abusing one of our kids. Believe me, it was not easy. I agonized over it and almost myself into the ground physically agonizing over it. But it was the right thing to do. Now our daughter can feels safe for the first time in years. And the perpetrator is getting the help he needs.<p>
Z

Linaka,<p>Before you decide anything he needs to stop this relationship, now. Period. Until then, either Plan A or Plan B won't work. In my opinion both are inappropriate until he gets back on the side of legal behaviour.<p>- Freddy

Linaka,<p>I am soo sorry for what has happened. But I would like to say that I do not believe 'once a cheater, always a cheater.' I cheated on my spouse with a summer fling and he does not know. But I do and it won't be happening again. It's not worth the risk. Your H CAN change if he wants to.<p>I think also that this is extremely short-lived. Sex only goes so far and he will quickly find out what a kid he is with. Some people have the need to 'rescue' and I think this may have some bearing on it. Continue to encourage him to receive individual counseling. I think the therapist can help him see that he is not in love with this kid but just gettting his ego stroked and that does feel good.<p>I would first insist, as well, that he immediately stop seeing her. She is really a child still and his behavior is doing more harm to her than good.<p>I send you tons of hugs and prayers.