All,<p>I couldn't stand it anymore. I got a P.I. Got the goods on the WS and filed for the big D two weeks ago. <p>She had all intentions of taking me to the cleaners and I couldn't stand for that.
<p>I feel so sorry for her even after all the stuff that she put me through. I promised her that I would send her to beauty school in the 12 month program and now she wants councelling. I am going to provide that too. I even bought her the Christmas present that she wanted. A Yorkshire Terrier puppy.
She is a beautiful, young, loving, mixed up girl. I hope the best for her and wish her well but I can't stay with her in her present state of mind. There might be a chance for us later on down the road but for now, I still care deeply for her. I hate feeling this way but that is the way I feel.
We aren't fighting much and get along pretty well for the present. I hope it continues!<p>Now what do I have to look forward to?<p>Regards<p>Roughneck<p>[ November 20, 2001: Message edited by: Roughneck ]</p>

I'm so sorry Rough Neck ....<p>But I don't understand, why can't this be fixed between you two. Esp since you've learned so much here?<p>Jo

You have a lot to look forward to--rebuilding your life, regaining your sense of self-respect and finding your purpose on this earth. The big D is not the end of the world. If *I* were you, I wouldn't jump right back into dating right away, tho. Give extra time to get reaquainted with yourself. The better we know ourselves, the better we can express ourselves to others.

RN,<p> Man, I hate to hear this. I was pulling for your marriage to go the other way.<p> I'm on my way to work, send me an email if you'd like. I'll be in touch. <p> jd

hmmmmm rn, personally I think you are making a big mistake, and you are acting like........ well like a roughneck. There is a problem, you see it, and you went into action mode, one cannot sit around and let an oilwell explode, or ignore little warning signs...that kind of stuff kills you. You are a problem solver, and a good one no doubt, you are also in a career that rewards decisive immediate action. I am not suggesting you should not have taken some legal action to protect yourself from losing the cleaners, only you can truly assess that....but I do have some alternate ideas..... ya wanna hear em?<p>Love (and marriage) is a strange creature, analysis and problem solving are important, but there are other murky things which defy analysis and lie firmly in the land of feelings/emotions. Sometimes we stay with someone we should leave, and sometimes we leave someone we should stay with. If you rely only on analysis you have much greater risk of erring.<p>Do you love (as in-love) your wife..... digging really deep and being emotionally honest...do you? If not, if the marriage was a quid pro quo, an emotional contract, and it has been violated, if you really don't mind (and can easily picture) another lifepartner...then take action. You have the emotional strength to easily start over, and you have a good attitude (sounds like you bear your W no real illwill, thems just the breaks and you grieve a little, and move on, there is always another oilwell to be found, drilled, taken to market, cut your losses and look forward, I understand perfectly). BUT if she is the "one" and somehow things have just gotten all screwed up (remember, problem solvers are very hard people to live with, maybe you didn't give her enough real room to grow, and smothered her... you sound like someone who may have difficulty with being truly vulnerable, and that is required for in-love to work.... I can see how she may have been intimidated and ultimately withered by you having all the answers..... ( I am just surmising, could be completely wrong). Are you getting my drift? Control comes in many forms, not all toxic, some is very benign, done for the good of the other, done to protect oneself emotionally etc., but it all has the same result, you cannot bond, and when not bonded crap happens. Even if true, she may not be the one, you may need someone who fits you in a way with the strength to drill through all your defenses, and strip you bare. Just food for thought.<p>As for your current strategy, there was another choice. Sit your w down, remind her that you are a problem solver, a defender, and an all around tough guy, (and that is part of why she married you) so you did what such guys do. You hired a PI, got all the truth, checked with a lawyer, and are ready to checkmate her, and win this emotional war (by taking control of the outcome). <p>And you did that, didn't you? But you could have done something else (but only if you truly love her), you could have put yourself at risk...<p>So now instead of serving her, you continued to say, w I could have filed for D, got my life in order, and moved on, leaving you to clean up your own mess, or start a bitter fight with me. Instead what I am going to do is set you free, do what you need to do, I will not divorce you, you can file and have whatever advantage that gives you. You can choose to be honest with me or not, work with counselling or not. I will just live with the reality (and pain) you are chasing om, if that is what you need to find yourself. I don't know what this will do to me, I am used to taking the bull by the horns, but I will do it, give you power over me, be vulnerable to you...if you want. Is up to you, if you want divorce just tell me when, and I will cooperate with what you need. There are boundaries, you musn't abuse me, and at some point I will want to move on, and will, but there is a time here, with all the cards on the table, without anymore lieing and decieit, and manipulation by either of us, to see what is what. We cannot live together while you pursue om, but otherwise I am willing to let you call the shots in your life, even in regard to me, and what you need from me.....so w what do you want to do, think about it, and let me know.<p>Do you see RN? It is a different route, it means trusting someone who may very well hurt you, and be willing to take your lumps, but it is a real shift in attitude, of having to always be on top of stuff...ya know? Do you see? It is very hard to do. But it is the only way anyone can truly be in-love, at some point one must give up all control, and be totally vulnerable, without any gaurantees......we oft times think we have done that, but we haven't, we gaurd. But on the other hand one should really dig deep and have some sense this is the one, and that is not so easy to discern either. Whatever you do, good luck.