Today, I feel that recovery is so not going to happen. It's his emails, his anger, the affair, the separation, my daughter, my shattered dreams for her, my shattered dreams for me...the list goes on and on.<p>Each day is JOYLESS. It's been so long and I still feel the same way. I've asked this so many times. Where does one fine the strength?

I wish I could offer you words that would make you feel better. <p>Yes, recovery IS going to happen. You must make it happen. However, focus on yourself and your own recovery. The rest, whatever the future holds, will follow.<p>Keep your head held high- you are being strong! Are you keeping a journal? How about joining an exercise class- something to relieve stess and make you feel better. Pamper yourself- you deserve it. Take your D to see Harry Potter. Read something like Harry Potter- it is such a distraction from everyday life!<p>I too am having a bad day. It is one month since I discovered the PA. I haven't talked to H in almost a month and I wonder if he will have the guts to come back to me. I so want to call him- but because I am in Plan B, I know that will ruin everything. I did call his mother on Monday and I am hurt she has not gotten back to me. Does she know something she does not want to tell me? <p>Just remember that we are here for you. You can do it. I can do it. Many before us have done it. We are survivors!!!!

<<<<<<<<<<TERRIFIED>>>>>>>><p>Oh hunny, here's a great big hug for you. I am so sorry to hear of your pain.<p>I've been in that awful place you are in. All I can tell you is that things do get better, no really. That doesn't mean necessarily that you will definately get your H back, but you are a STRONG woman. You will get through this.<p>Your dreams do not have to be shattered. For you or your daughter. You will make new and better dreams for the both of you. I pray that your H will grow up and figure things out so that those dreams can include the 3 of you together.<p>For now, find the strength from your daughter. Force yourself to focus on her needs with you and doing fun stuff with her. Think of her pain and how you can make her feel better. Focusing on doing things for other people will help you to feel better about yourself and help you forget about your situation.<p>Spend money, plan a trip/adventure, make plans for something to look forward to!!<p>HbH

I was just reading your most recent post on the other thread. ((((((((((((Terri)))))))))))).<p>Given what you are enduring right now you are entitled to feel the way you are feeling. Acknowledge those feelings as real and valid BUT don't let them take you over. It requires so much strength to be in Plan B. WE know you have it, you've demonstrated that already, but damn it it's just plain hard and hurtful at times.<p>Your H is angry because he's losing control. He's saying you are making him make choices. Well, wake up call buddy - no one can MAKE anyone do anything. He's still blaming you for everything because he knows he screwed up - big time and being angry is a defense mechanism to avoid guilt!<p>Have a nice hot bath. Treat yourself to something - a manicure, a shopping spree (even if it just window shopping) go for a long walk. Think of NEW dreams for you and your daughter. DO you have anyone you can talk to about this, someone who is a friend you can trust? That can be helpful as well.<p>You have the strength. You DO!!

Terri,<p> First I want to say that you are not alone. I feel the same way. I can't answer your questions. I just wanted you to know that I am here to listen.<p>Indy

Terri,
I think we find the strength we need from whatever reserves we possess (faith, love, stubborness, belief in a future, etc). I believe we find and tap these hidden reserves in our moments of need. We none know what we are truly capable of until we actually reach that limit. I suppose we all have to ask ourselves if we're there yet from time-to-time. <p>Tap all the reserves you can find. Walk away if that time comes (we all hope it won't for any of us!) knowing that you did everything conceivably possible to make it work. If that moment arrives, you'll be able to walk away knowing that you are wiser, stronger and more self-assured from the tribulations you've lived. <p>This too shall pass!<p>My thoughts are with you!!

Terrified,<p>When my siblings and I were young, my mother discovered my father was having an affair of 8 years with her best friend. She did attempt reconciliation, but he would not give up A. So, she moved on. (I make it sound like it was easy, don't I?) <p>I am telling you this because she is now witnessing me, her own daughter, trying to make it through infidelity. Although it pains my mother so to see me suffer, she has been able to offer advice and wisdom.<p>The most important thing my mother has said to me is that although that time of her life was by far the most painful event she has ever endured, she would not take it back. It has made her who she is today and has taught her that she is a survivor. It made her strong and it made her a better person. She focused on her three children for awhile and soon enough was able to thrive.<p>Today she is happily married and my father (who married o/w) is not happy but has too much pride to ever admit this. Furthermore, he has three children and a grandchild on the way that have no contact with his wife (we still see him regularly though). So, who got the last laugh. <p>Anyway, the point is that good WILL come of this although it does not seem like it now. I relate to your pain and am going through it as well, but I am trying to understand that everything happens for a reason.<p>My thoughts are with you.<p>AS

Terrified:<p>
I am so sorry about how you feel. My D-Day was Feb 2001....It's only been the past few weeks that it really sems to be settling in.<p>I just spent an hour walking around K-Mart in a daze. I keep thinking 1 day it'll all just be over & I'll me "me". again. <p>Sad reality is that "me" was who I thought I was.<p>Happily married, 4 great kids, big house, etc etc.<p>Now, I have nothing. I too hope to feel better someday, but the longer this goes the wors it gets.<p>Married 16
4 kids, S15,D14, D10, S6
Dday Feb 2001
H serial cheater for past 13 yrs.

Terrified,<p>I&#8217;m sorry to hear that. Just look at it this way, today may not be your day, but tomorrow might be. Hug your daughter and think of her for your strength. She will be there with you and you will be there for her. She loves you and you love her. You might not have a joyful day with your H, but you do have a joyful day with your kid. Someday your H will see that. Focus on yourself and your kid for now. When you feel better your strength will come back and you can continue to fight. I know it is hard I have been there. I feel the same way as you do sometimes (as a matter of fact I feel the same way as you do ALL THE TIME), but I have to keep going. Don&#8217;t think just today or yesterday. Think about tomorrow and beyond. You will come out a better person than you are right now if you let it. It is easily said than done, but you can do it. The sun will shine on you and your family someday.

{{{{{Hugs for you}}}}}I feel so much for you T. I remember those feelings all too well and I know how hard it is. Those feelings of joylessness and despair. But there was a time when my situation seemed SO hopeless. Remember, my H at one time told me that we would NEVER get back together, and that I shouldn't even think that might happen. He was so angry, so cold. But yet, here we are. 2 and a half years past the end of the A and happier than we have ever been before. Just keep praying and posting (you are in my prayers today) and Plan Aing or Bing. It's not over till it's over and you've got a long way to go. Hang in there.

Thanks for your encouragement and kind words. I cannot say much more than that because I feel so void...very much like what Louser has described. The ME I thought I was no longer exists. I wonder if I can ever be happy like I once was. Right now, I don't believe I can ever reach those heights again. It will be different. It will be scarred by pain. I will have memories of pain. <p>Pain, Pain,Pain...

Terri,
So sorry to hear of your pain! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I'm not an expert, but perhaps your feeling this way & expressing it is beeter than not feeling any pain -- the numness feeling thing can be perhaps worse, although if like me, that is part of it as well.
I have understanding, or a feeling, IMHO that whatever relationship we had with our respective S, it ended with the A -- we now are working on a new one -- it is bound to be different. It could eventually be better. ?? We need to prepare for the fact that in this process it may be determined, mutually or independently, that a new ongoing relationship is not pratical or possible -- but it is way to early to logically determine this! Battle scares and wounds have to be accessed, this plan B thing is designed to first, stop the bleeding -- stop lashing out with negatives -- he has not learned that, so you have to be the adult, which you are doing! Keep things on high level, non-judgemental, but do not loose sight of your feelings & how important it is that you focus on you and protecting those feelings!
I know you are getting or have the Dobson book. Again, IMHO -- excellant!! There are many other's including Harley's "Surviving an Affair" -- these kinds of books helped me a lot -- to cope. This is not the kind of thing you expect or plan for -- you need some company! No one hands out merrit badges for going solo with this thing!!<p>Do you have a friend, clergy (some help with praying might be good?!) and/or family member you can share with & cry with?! (don't have to cry, it's just that I get emotional & sometimes that helps!) I should say IMHO, I recommend Clergy + friend or family.
I was a total wreck the day I sent my DW away -- she actually called our Pastor & he was over within 15 minutes -- a Saturday.
I had what I thought was a really good friend that on my Pastor's advice,(otherwise I would probablly not called!) I called the day I sent my wife away & you know what, he became my best friend! He spent 4-5 hours with me -- Most people, like what you've found here, would love to genuinely help if they had an opportunity!
Take a momement to pray and meditate about this.
Make a call - you don't have to explain -- just say something like, "something has come up that is not life threatening but really important, wondering if you could come over to my house and visit." They'll know it's important & be right over if at all possible! Have daughter go to grand ma's or if Grandma could come over to pick up -- D knows something is up of course anyway.

My prayers are with you!
HH<p>[ November 14, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

Thanks HH. Always good to read your posts despite my "down-in-the-dumps" feelings today. I only told one friend about his and she has gotten so sick of the story...doesn't want to hear about it anymore. My mother says it's OLD. <p>So, my well has dried up.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>Thanks HH.
I only told one friend about his and she has gotten so sick of the story...doesn't want to hear about it anymore. My mother says it's OLD.
So, my well has dried up.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Terri,
Know that we hear your pain! Hang in there!!
Peace be with you!
HH

Terrified...<p>I have never been open with my Faith until this happened to me...I have never been able to pray out loud or with others...until now...<p>I am led to ask you to seek your comfort from God...that He is your source of strength and your JOY...through him ALL things are possible.<p>When the fog is really thick, pilots have to fly by instruments...The fog is really thick around you now...it is very dark...let God be your instrument. (paraphrased from "How to Save Your Marriage Alone" by Ed Wheat, MD.)<p>Let Him carry this burden for you and you will once again feel hope, life and not be empty.<p>C A L I

T
Please don't give up! As the "mom to an OW" I'm counting on you!!!<p>For awhile I have to say that I too was getting tired of the "whining" that your posts read, but we have all been witness to some real growth! If you want to see where you have come, go back and re-read some of your OLD stuff. You are growing, getting stronger, a back bone is forming.<p>Your H will not respect you untill YOU show respect for yourself and your are starting to do this. You won't see results right away but if you continue to read and work on YOU, HE WILL see it!<p>Now, get up,dust yourself off, square your shoulders, hold your head up because you have a ton to be proud of. And best of all, you have so many friends here on MB- the best of the best!

Thanks TA, You're right and you sound good. I wish I had your strength. My only hope is that somehow, I find it.<p>Thanks GT, Thanks for continuing to read my posts although I guess they can sound whiny at times. Do you really notice a difference in me? So I guess you think that the no-contact with me partnered with a visitation schedule with D is a good thing. I'm glad. Sometimes it's hard to feel justified.

Terrified,<p>I don't think you sound whiney at all. Maybe because I am in the same boat. I go from one day feeling a little better---to today feeling like my world has ended.<p>The reality is really hitting me too. My life was built around my H. I devoted 25 years to him. I also had my own life and profession--but I still centered on him. He has thrown me aside and feels no sorrow for what he has done. <p>My life is in chaos financially, emotionally and physically I feel like I am falling apart too. <p>I am good at teaching, I enjoy my work, I have 4 great kids--but I feel lost without him. It hurts me to hear how awful our relationship was, it hurts that he has established another life with another women without a blink of an eye. It hurts to call his apt. and hear that B***** voice on their recorder. What does she know of him---she will never have his kids, she will never have 25 years of growing and moving and loving and supporting him through his AF career.<p>I went through some boxes last night and witnessed our "awful" relationship. Looked pretty great in the pictures. I read his testimony that was published in the paper about how we loved and supported him from when he was in OTS. He has thrown it all away.<p>My reality is:<p>He is with a 28 year old bimbo--who knows nothing except that she has him on her pedastal.<p>He is trying to win back the kids affection by buying them.<p>I work full time in a profession that doesn't pay to support a family of 5.<p>I need a new car desparately. I don't have any funds.<p>I have full responsibilty of taking care of the bills, the house, the kids, homework, doctor's appts, etc, etc. And there is just me. No lovers on the side and at 47--probably no prospects of anyone either.<p>I have gone from upper middle class to below the poverty line---especially until a court order takes place. I have had to borrow money to live the last two months. I can't pay my bills.<p>Everyone says that the future will be brighter--I will become a strong women. Well, I always was strong. I have kept this family going for 18 years. I am tired. I am lonely. I am disappointed and I am incredibly hurt. <p>And my H doesn't care. I know exactly how you are feeling---and I don't think you are whining.

Hello M, I'm so sorry you're exactly where I am. It's sad that we have to come here, that we are forced to deal with these circumstances...yet there must be a good reason. One day, I know we will both be stronger. We have no choice. <p>I will pray for you.

how does one ask god for help with these things without seeming selfish? if the christina tenent is to help you fellow human then this forum is great because of the support but arent we selfishto begin with so how does one resolve this?dont get me wrong for i am looking for answers too but i feel that i deserted God when he was going to use me(i felt that i was called to be a minister when i was younger but let drugs ruin my life)now when i really need Him i feel like such a hippocritte...not only do i feel lost due to wifes affair but really feel lost from God