After nearly 30 yrs of m and 3 teenage sons my w wants to be free to travel and do her own thing. She left home 5-01 after a 2 week overseas trip. I could tell something was different after the trip. Slept in other room and was very irritable. After 3 months I discovered that there was more going on than business on the trips. OM's wife caught them and called me. I called her and asked if she was staying in Europe or coming home. that set her off and she filed for d when she returned. Was in a fog most of the summer but is now just plain mean. She wants the two of us to divide things but I am waiting on the advice of my lawyer. We think since she left the family and all businesses that she can support her self and take out very little assets. She refuses to work on putting things back together even though I told her I forgave her and set her free. I send a check weekly even though she has a job and very seldom contacts any of us. Now her friend says she misses the sons and me but thinks she has gone too far. I don't know whether to play hard ball or try to court her. basically the sons and I have just gone on with our lives and played each situation by ear. No game plan just waiting her out. We were best friends and did most everythin together undil the sweet talking man came along. I know there had to be some doubt or that would never have happened. She charged me with A, beting her and all kind of lies. Do all lawyers do that or is that a ploy to get me to settle out of court to protect herself? Restraing orders against me and oldest son have been the meanest thing they have done. She complains that he is not kind to her and I can't control him but I think she did this to make the court think her lifewas in danger (not true) because she abondoned the family. It 's been a tough 6 months.a

Pace,<p>I'm sorry to have to welcome you to MB, but you've found the right place at nearly the right time.<p>This site, and the people herein are a WEALTH of knowledge that you can use to save your marriage. I strongly encourage you to read EVERYTHING on this site. <p>Here's a link to a general welcome to newcomers:
Click Here<p>Here's another like that might help, created by a fellow member:<p>WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouse
Click Here<p>You might also try reading many of the posts on the "JUST FOUND OUT" forum. But generally, you'll get more and quicker responses on THIS forum.<p>Read about the concepts of Plan A and Plan B. It sounds like you might have already been performing a psudo-plan A without even knowing it. I'd suggest continuing and possibly even EXPANDING that effort. <p>A word of caution, I wouldn't tell your WS (wayward spouse) about this site until she's at least comitted to reconciling the marriage. Other folks have gotten in trouble by having a spouse lurk here and use their vents against them. This should be a place to vent, gain perspective and support, and to learn about the process through which you're about to go.<p>Good luck, and keep in touch.
Kev

Welcome pace,<p>I don't think that you need to rush into anything. As you may have read here, this is very early into your journey through infidelity. It sounds like your W is uncertain about where her actions are taking her. She is accusing you to make her feel better about her A and to justify her actions. <p>Remember, an A is about the WS and her weaknesses. It was not your fault; it was her choice. It is likely that this relationship will not last. W will feel depressed. She will vascillate back and forth deciding what to do. We call this waffling. <p>It will take her awhile to work through her confused mental state of self-delusion which MBs call the fog.<p>If you haven't done so already, buy Surviving an Affair by the Harleys. It is excellent and will let you know what very predictable stages you and your W will go through. Your marriage can survive this. It will be hard, and it will test your strength and patience.<p>No, not rush into divorce proceedings. You have just begun this journey. It could be months before the outcome is clear. Do not initiate the D. Don't help her divide the assets. This A was her action. Toss the ball to her. Make her take responsibility for her choices. Do not make getting a D easy for her. She doesn't know now what she really wants. (Fog)<p>Meanwhile, be the best person you can be (not a doormat). Find out what needs of hers you may not have been meeting, and avoid angry outbursts and overreactions. MBs call this doing Plan A. You can read about that on the main MB site.<p>Now is the time to contact a family law attorney. Find out what your rigths are. Do what the lawyer tells you to increase your chances to get custody of the children if a D or separation happens. Her leaving you is in your favor. I'm sorry for your kids.<p>I think you have a good chance to recover your marriage. But it will take time. Keep us informed, and be patient.<p>Glad you posted, although I'm sorry you have to be here.<p>Estes

Thanks for the replies. I have already retained an attorney. Mostly to see my rights and abide by his advice. W left for Europe yesterday most likely to be with other man, but that I do not know for certain. All of my support thinks I am insane for holding out hope. W's family invited me and sons to eat with them on T'giving. thank goodness we can go to my family's home instead. All I know to do is follow lawyers advice and be civil to her.

It sounds like you have a good understanding of your best options right now. You can't force W to change. You can continue keeping life as normal as possible for yourself and the children. The fact that she will leave her children like this shows how messed up she is, that she will sacrifice her kids' feelings and emotional health for her selfish self-indulgence. This is going to take while to resolve itself. Eventually it will become obvious what choice your W will make and what behavior you can tolerate from her without losing all your love for her. Stay strong, avoid LB, and continue to have a cordial realtionship with your W's parents. (My DIL is the WS. Her choices have wrecked havoc with our relationship with our grandson and his relationship with his dad, our son. Grandparents need their grandkids and visa versa.) I wish you the best.<p>Estes

Estes, thanks for your kind words. I only wish I had found this forum 6 months ago. Friends and relatives just don't know how hard this is, if they haven't been there. My D papers were served in front of clients at my office on sept 11 just as the world trade center towers were crashing to the ground. So every time I hear Sept 11 mentioned, I am reminded of that terrible time. Time heals all however. My 16 year old and I are going to a college fball game tomorrow so we will have a great time. One son is already there in college and we will meet him and tailgate with my brother and his family. The oldest son is staying home and taking care of the farm and goiung hunting. We have kept buisy and will make it either way it goes. thanks.