HH-<p>Thanks, I really haven't even considered a SA in this whole mess. Frankly, I don't think that's the issue (but that could just be MY denial). You see, WS and I haven't been very sexually active for a couple (or four) years. I don't know how these addictions go, but I would imagine that they build up to the addiction level, not just BANG, I'm an addict. But again, I just don't know. I do know that she was raised in the church, with high morals, and a pretty strict ethical code, which makes all of this pretty far out of her charicter. I guess an addiction COULD explain some of that, hmmm. I know that at one point, right around D-Day, she'd mentioned (as a possible reason for her choice to engage in an A), that it could be because SHE'S entering her sexual prime, and HE'S in his sexual prime.... To which I commented that I haven't been satisfied with our SF and frequency for quite some time. <p>I appreciate your advice about giving the police a headsup....I just don't want to have it seen as an LB, and I have a feeling that it would be. I HAVE, however, confided fully to several of my friends- just in case things get crazy. I know that WS has done the same to protect them from me (makes me sick that I had a part in causing THAT).<p>Thanks,
K<p>PS,
Just came into work for an hour or so (worked last night), and couple of other random thoughts came to mind on this subject....there's been some "experimenting" on WS part in recent months. Don't really WANT to disclose it, but it won't be understood for comment otherwise. Probably about a month or so before D-Day (maybe PA had already begun), we all were over at her girlfriend's place having a small party. Don't know exactly how it happened, but they (WS and girlfriend) were kissing. Now, they were explaining that it meant nothing and I believe they may have been doing it on a bet. Obviously, they were both drunk, and WS girlfriend strikes me as pretty much a card carrying homophobe. I got pissed because I didn't want her even PLAYING like that (unless of course it's in OUR private bedroom....JOKING [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ), and left. OM was there and she came home several hours later, hmmm.<p>Now the thing that scares me it that WS girlfriend probably has the STD HPV...she'll be getting her results this next week. But I don't see HOW she COULDN'T have it, she's been dating a man for about a year (mucho sex) who didn't tell her about it. My concern is that (and I asked my DR.) GF could have contracted it orally, and then passed it on to WS when kissing. I've been screened and was negative, but then again, I'm not at risk because we haven't been physical (even kissing) since before then.<p>It just keeps seeming worse and worse.<p>K<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: kevco- ]<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: kevco- ]</p>

Kev,
Like I said, I'm not a doctor, ot therapist or anythnigclose; although I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night! (If you get that, then that verifies you & I watch simlilar TV commercials!).
In the SA profile there is a phenomina refered to as Sexual Anerexia -- you see some people with control issues, like my W, for example, find that by withholding sex, they get a feeling of control!
My W did similar experimenting thing -- she coaxed me into taking her to strip club & she got a couple of lap dances.
I see what you mean with the police report & LBing thing -- you guys are seperated right? And she is staying with this guy?
Dobson's book, "Tough Love" -- Carnes, Out of the Shadows" Remember, they're not bad, just sick!
She is probablly having lots of guilt feelings, which fuels the need to get her fix, the lustful sex thing ... it is ficicious cycle -- Get the out of the shadows --hole up for a few hours & study it -- perhaps not much you can do right now, but it will explain a few things!
Peace, [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
HH
PS -- Think about it --
She is risking a lot -- career, reputation in community, besides embarrassment with family ?? What is different from Oregon lady -- 4 or 5 years difference of actual PA ?? Normal people do not do these things!
At least a very compelling, strong, strong compulsion -- why would moralistic, christian person logically do this -- serious issues -- again very symtomatic of "illness" [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
Check out the book! May not be the case, but sounds like it to me. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

HH,<p>to answer a couple of your questions...yes we're separated, and no she's not "officially" living w/ OB (other boy). She's staying at her girlfriend's house, but I know for a fact that she has spent nights at OM house.<p>MAN, I hope you're wrong about the SA thing. That'll only make an already untenable situation even more so and more difficult to resolve successfully. Please pray with me that it's not so. Though I will now keep my eyes open for it.....Just one problem, I have no idea what really to look for. Further, I don't know how or even IF I should try to raise the subject to her. She has been receptive to some of my "education" in the past couple of weeks, but I don't want to offend her sensibilities (such that they are) by coming off as accusing her of being mentally ill (she already thinks everyone, me, her family, etc...) thinks that and it's a pretty sore subject with her. But her therapist was nice enough to reassure her that she's not crazy, that she's OBVIOUSLY been done with the marriage for a LONG time, and basically justified the A to her because she's not been "REALLY" married. All this after less than an hour of talking to the IC.....nice f'n job Biatch!<p>Sorry, just a tad bitter about the (IMHO) ineptitude of the therapist.<p>K<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: kevco- ]</p>

Well, time for today's update. This online, interactive journal is saving me a fortune in paper journals... [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyway, I just got off the phone w/ WS and she DOES want to do the meteor storm thing Sunday morning. She asked how I wanted to handle it, I asked how SHE wanted to do it. She suggested that I pick her up at around 2am. I told her that'd be fine, but that it'd certainly be easier if she stayed here that night, but I didn't want to pressure her.<p>Her "Girls' night out" isn't solid yet, and so she doesn't know if it'll come to pass. I mentioned that I have an extra ticket to the hockey game tomorrow night since my friends are going out to the bars. She suggested that I go with them, but I REALLY want to see the game, plus I can't stay out all night and then try to get up at 1:30 or so...might as well just stay up if I went out (and I'm getting too old for that nonsense [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>She said that she's leaning towards going to the hockey game. That'd be nice, but it's also a bit of a trigger for me (the last hockey game we went to, days after D-Day, I caught her on the phone w/ OM after she'd promised no contact). I'm stronger now, though, and I'm sure I can make it through it and even enjoy it.<p>I'm just so thankful that she actually WANTS (or at least is considering) to spend time with me, I never thought I'd see the day.<p>BTW, HH, I will look into getting the Dobson book....it's been suggested several times (by you and others), and so I think I probably owe it to myself to pick it up. MAN, that'll make like 10 books in just over a month, NEVER in the history of Kevin has THAT happened [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>One day at a time, slow and steady wins out nearly every time.<p>K

Hey Kev,
Sounds like you are hangin there pretty good.
Thanks for clarifying my questions. Just curious because when you described hangin around outside the window, it sounded like that was his Place.
"The Boy" -- I like that! (LOL)
I know that the SA sounds horrible & radical!
With 10 books, you know that the therapist thing about justification is BS! I mean real BULL SHIXX!! -- I'm guessing she may have made that up.<p>I'm sure your W & mine are not identical, but there may be some common behavior patterns --
For the record in our first 28 & 1/2 years of marriage we averaged sex maybe 3 -4 times a year -- that is average. I know there were a few years it was maybe once or twice -- I of course new this was way out of the ordinary & actually reflected an healthy view of sex -- but I would have never connected that kind of "unhealthy" view as leading into a sexual addiction!
I should again make an important disclosure here. This is not an official, medically proved diagnosis of my DW -- Absolutely a very power influence on her right now & for the past 20 months!
I should emhasize that if your W has this condition, it is treatable, just like any other illness -- you are right though I believe it is a real tuffy, can't just take a medicine for 90 days!
I should also emphasize that this is not considered a "mental illness" I guess I should say that I don't think of it that way, although I just realized that could be a matter of perspective. I aliken it most to Alcoholism. The person that suffers from that condition does not have a problem controlling the drinking because they don't want to, but that it becomes something there body craves it, the body developes a physiological need -- As I try to describe my take on this I'm coming to understand that it is combination mental & physical -- I see your take, where the solution is "mind over body" kind of thing, with therapy & 12 step process, it is more a mental thing.
What I am rambling on about is that they act out because of mental impulses, but also physiological force & strong urges as well. They don't act just because they have weak minds or poor moral character, -- it is a very powerful force.
It is like not every one that gets drunk becomes alcoholic. You know that in the 30's & 40's most experts believed people that could not control their drinking, had this problem because of weak moral character & not a strong will. They did not recognize or treat this as an illness.
I assume you have a few books that analyze different potential reasons for affairs -- Sexual addiction is normally mentioned in these matters.
There are a number of web sites that deal with sexual addiction. IMO, none do quite as good of job in describing the issue as the book "Out of the Shadows"
I understand that with individual counseling, technically the session are to be confidential to each person, particularly if they are sensitive to this. This is good so the individual can feel secure and safe to discus what ever they want.
This also allows the individual some protection, that if they want to make up some story to fit their needs with their S -- Us, they can because they know the counselor is not to tell us -- Your Way not think of doing that -- My W has enough issue and demons she is trying to deal with I don't think she knows herself what to tell who. For example, she has seen her counselor 10-12 times (?) and she knew the vomiting was an issue & not good, something she should not do & it indicates coping problems. She told Counselor for the first time this week -- only when, for what ever reason, it became an unbearable burden to her to keep quiet about! She does not want to be criticized -- for anything, she doesn't get any madder than her ego is hurt or threaten, her vanity or the mere suggestion of a criticism. This makes it extremely difficult to seeks solutions to problem, because to that would mean she has to admit to a problem & she has been able to "act" and control & manipulate to protect these compulsion & unhealthy ways to cope. This is why the denial can be so strong -- they have a sense for potential symptoms and will hid them & shift blame to others. For example, my W said she became so compulsive about sex because I showed her porn flick that I had for Twelve years or so & she had seen several times -- this & we started watching Real Sex on HBO -- she always had veto power over what we watched & we always watch what she wants, otherwise separate TV's. Yet she said it was me that lead her into the lusting because of these tow things! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
Anyway, perhaps you see some similar things with your W? Perhaps not, every situation is different.
Hope you have a good weekend! I'll ty to check back later to see if you have any updates.
Peace, [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]
HH