I need to vent. I am on my pity pot tonite.<p>I am the BS. WH had a 1 1/2 year A.<p>* why do we keep on trying to get slapped down again?

* the WS does not love the Bs anymore. To me it ought to be the other way around.<p>* we stand beside them and are there for them because we love them and they treat us like sh_t<p>* they (ws) ought to love us for putting up with all the crap and behavior, mood changes throughout the A. not to mention the A itself. Also for putting up with the OW.<p>* for keeping the house and bills paid when they were out having their cake and eating it too. when will our time come to have our cake and eat it too. it always seems to get slammed in our face.<p>* for having our nice smiling face on when they come home and to bite our lip when we can't say what we really feel.<p>* having to take anti depressents and never had to in the past.<p>* not knowing if all the changes really will make any difference in the long run<p>thanks for listening to me. I really know the answers but sometime they seem to get lost.

SLH
Good vent. I can list those exact same things.
Its been 10 weeks since Dday for me and some things have improved. I am thankful H and I are both willing to work things out at this point.
I think I have been "murmuring" too much lately myself. I have been trying to fill in spaces with inspirational and worship hymns. They help me get my mind off all the negative things I have been obsessing on and let me realize there is hope and a lot of positive things going on too.
Hang in there!!!
Mikkey

Ah, such is the way of Plan A. I know exactly where your Pity Pot is and I've been known to sit on it, too. The trick is to get off of it and walk away. <p>As you rightly pointed out to me, Plan A is working when it feels right for you. If you are no longer comfortable with Plan A, then...?<p>Whenever I feel myself heading toward the Pity Pot, I stop and take a deep breath. I remember all the reasons why I'm Plan A-ing in the first place, I bring to mind the positive results it's brought on (regardless of how big or small) and I keep going. I also find it helps to keep a small list of situations where Plan A worked really well. And in those moments when I ask myself, "what the bloody hell am I doing?", I pull that list out and review my own personal progress. It helps get me back to that sane place where I can carry on being the best person I can be. And in my opinion, that is key. <p>Hang in there, love! We're all here for you!
venusenvy

It usually helps me to remind myself that I have the same ability to walk away from the marriage as my H does...and not only that, but after everything he's done to me...I've got justification!<p>But regardless, my presence in this marriage is by MY choice. I don't have to be here, and since I am, and since I choose to do it, then the only thing left to do is to accept that my H is who he is, not who I want him to be. (Which is where much of my resentment lies of course)<p>We BSs don't get our cake and get to eat it too either. We don't get to stay in the marriage and have our WSs become whatever fantasy we have in our heads.<p>Everytime I remind myself that I am here because I choose to be, my "taker" gets a tad deflated.

SLH, Sometimes my pity pot begins to more closely resemble a 55 gal drum! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I agree with bramblerose, we do have a choice! We've not given up any of our choices, we just made our desicions before our WSs have. <p>My situation may be a bit different in that my W put up with 10 years of my undiagnosed depression prior to giving up hope. Many times I'll tell myself that what I feel now must resemble what she felt when I was withdrawn, only she did it for years. I don't condone her A but I understand it.<p>It also helps me to think that, one day, she'll hopefully be where I am right now. I woke up, I've realized the devastation my actions caused over the years and I look at her with intense love and awe at the lengths she went to try and save us before she gave up. <p>I think perhaps that in this respect, what I feel may well be what a WS feels when reality hits them and they see exactly how much love it takes to be a MB BS. Talk about a respect builder! It is something to focus on for sure!<p>Take care

bramblerose, thanks for those much need words of wisdom. Its days like these that I need a reminder that I have chosen to remain in this marriage and keep plugging away. Sometimes its more discouraging than others, some days I can see it getting better, only to see steps backward later that day! <p>I like your analogy of having your cake and eating it too, thats what I have accused my WH of wanting, now I can see thats what I want, too. I think that realization helps me remember that perhaps we two are not soo far apart after all. Thanks, Carmen

bramblerose, thanks for those much need words of wisdom. Its days like these that I need a reminder that I have chosen to remain in this marriage and keep plugging away. Sometimes its more discouraging than others, some days I can see it getting better, only to see steps backward later that day! <p>I like your analogy of having your cake and eating it too, thats what I have accused my WH of wanting, now I can see thats what I want, too. I think that realization helps me remember that perhaps we two are not soo far apart after all. Thanks, Carmen

SLH-<p>All your vents are so true and very valid! You (we) as the BS have every right to ask these questions.<p>A week or so ago, I read someone's post (no idea who) about this whole relationship fiasco that we find ourselves in. They made a VERY APT observation that if you look at each of your vents, makes perfect sense.<p>They said "It's the person who cares the least about the relationship that controls the relationship." <p>How truly profound! Ask each of your questions with that thought in mind:<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>* why do we keep on trying to get slapped down again?<hr></blockquote>
Because WE'RE the ones who are trying to save the M. We care the most and so we have NO control of the relationship.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>* the WS does not love the Bs anymore. To me it ought to be the other way around.<hr></blockquote>
True, but the WS cares the least and therefore controls the relationship. BS cares the most, and so holds onto their love.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>* we stand beside them and are there for them because we love them and they treat us like sh_t. <hr></blockquote>
Yup, we care the most, and so we stand beside them through this. WS cares the least and so they CAN treat us like sh_t.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>* they (ws) ought to love us for putting up with all the crap and behavior, mood changes throughout the A. not to mention the A itself. Also for putting up with the OW. <hr></blockquote>
True, but they care the least, and so they don't HAVE to love us for putting up w/ the crap.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>* for keeping the house and bills paid when they were out having their cake and eating it too. When will our time come to have our cake and eat it too. it always seems to get slammed in our face. <hr></blockquote>
BS care the most, and so we keep everything going. We'll get to have our cake when we care the least.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>* for having our nice smiling face on when they come home and to bite our lip when we can't say what we really feel. <hr></blockquote>
YUP, we care the most and so can't truly say what we're thinking.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>* having to take anti depressents and never had to in the past. <hr></blockquote>
ditto.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>* not knowing if all the changes really will make any difference in the long run <hr></blockquote>
Yup, ditto.<p>
It really seems to make sense to me. For instance, last week WS told me she didn't want to have dinner weekly any more. I was crushed, frantic, ready to crumble. I came to the forum for advice and was given some fantastic advice....folks told me to be short, respectful, and a tad bit aloof. My response was, "OK, I can respect your decision. Please take care of yourself." Well, not more than two days later, WS had scheduled our NEXT dinner date with me. You see, I began (If only in appearance) to care the least, and she did an abrupt about face. I've seen this work other times as well (with her, and with other women I was dating before married). I don't understand it, I don't particularly like it because some time, WS might call my bluff, but I'll use it.<p>Something to consider.<p>Kev

Thanks guys for all the comments.<p>I feel better tonite and I did get off the pot. <p>mikkey- I wish my H would tell me he wants to work on the M<p>V- I don't know what else I would do if I did not plan A. It does feel right. I am going to try the list.<p>bramble rose- You know I have not ever thought of that, that I could walk away also. Brought a new light on it. Thanks<p>sofar- next time we can roll our 55 gal drums around and shake them up! Keep the faith and keep taking those anti depressents. They really do help<p>kev Thanks for your encourgment I really needed it. Hope the weekly dinners go well for you.