Family Vomiting / Sex Issues -- For recent history see prior post: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013627<p>I don&#8217;t expect, nor do I want to turn this into a long distance psychoanalysis, but I am concerned as to how to best deal with my DW&#8217;s apparent crises, which I obviously triggered. Did I mention that when I was talking about a 12 step support group for eating disorders, she broke down &#8211; with the calling card thing, she was trying to call her cousin, who has been in counseling for years for Balemia (sp?). This cousin&#8217;s sister was hospitalized years back for malnutrition &#8211; she evidently does not vomit&#8211; just anorexia. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] These cousin are 40 & 39, both divorced & the older one has had a very active sex life with lots of partners. My W had divulged to them her activities last summer & she was hanging out at bars with them last fall & over Christmas vacation. These cousin&#8217;s are my DW&#8217;s dad&#8217;s brother&#8217;s D&#8217;s and were raised by my DW&#8217;s parents from their ages 13 & 14.<p>To add some perspective, my DW&#8217;s younger sister had an A with the older cousin&#8217;s H when they were married. As I understand it, my W&#8217;s dad found out & confronted the cousin&#8217;s H & said he would keep it quiet from C as long as he did not fool around with anyone else [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] &#8211; can&#8217;t confirm if that is true, but knowing his value system, this would not surprize me &#8211; he is very self-centered & protective of his Kids. This same sister had a child now 14, out of wedlock & she did not know who the father was until 3 years ago. She is a good person and I love her & she has a big heart, just has some issues (could be illness common in family) &#8211; like we all have issues!
I should add that my DW&#8217;s father is like Archy Bunker &#8211; absolutely no visible respect for women in general & very, very controlling over my W&#8217;s mother &#8211; for example, they have lake home as well as regular home &#8211; new cars &#8211;tractors, boats, ect. He won&#8217;t let her replace 20 year old wall paper in the kitchen at the lake home! They know we are having some financial hardship right now &#8211; they have called twice in last 6 weeks &#8211; he prides himself in watching the almighty dollar!
My W has definite motives to not in any way, be put in anything close to her Mom&#8217;s situation where she has some guy with such control over her. I understand where she comes from with this attitude!!<p>As an example, after D/D, and her return back home in February, my W would get upset at me for wanting to talk about marriage enrichment idea &#8211; said it reminded her of her Father screaming at her about not getting her math home work & she was trying as hard as she could & he just kept yelling!! &#8211; I was not yelling! I stopped talking and left papers for her to read &#8211; I know &#8211;it&#8217;s stupid & I have not done that in 4 months or so!<p>Another example of my W&#8217;s independent attitude &#8211; we were about to go golfing & I told her that there was rain in the forecast & that she should probably take her umbrella (it was right next to her bag in the trunk, does not weigh very much &#8211;she had pull cart anyway- & it is of color that matches her bag!). Her response, &#8220;I don&#8217;t care if I get rained on!&#8221; -- On second hole it poured and she got drenched!<p>Yesterday, last night and today she is obviously showing a depressed state &#8211; she had a counseling session 4 hours ago &#8211; she has not called me &#8211; as she normally does not &#8211; remember, we have this no contact thing during the day. I have not tried calling her.
She stopped by my work before her counseling session to give me a salad for lunch, as I took the one she made for herself & this one was bigger &#8211; again she was acting very meek, subdued & in the parking lot I gave her a hug & a kiss & told her I loved her. She said, &#8220;I don&#8217;t know why.&#8221; Not defiant, just forlorn. She can act &#8211; don&#8217;t know if she is playing sympathy card? Poor me act? I think she has hit bottom!<p>It is like she has more to tell me, but not sure if she should, perhaps she needs to talk to counselor first. She had chance run in with one of the tree guys (OM) a month or so ago&#8212;he was doing a neighbors job & she happened to go home early &#8211; she explained that she was petrified & confronted him & told him he should never come close to our house again & that I would be very upset & she said he acted real nervous &#8211; she called her friends at work & asked what she should do & she went back to work &#8211; saw counselor the next day, then told me &#8211; I did not get at all upset. I thanked her for telling me, I sauid the thought of her seeing and talking to this guy made me a little sick, but that I really appreciate her telling me & I said I gives me more confidence that you are working on this and do care about me!<p>Perhaps she is just trying to come to grips with her compulsions? She expressed great frustration with the shopping & said she was real stupid about that & more or less confessing lack of control! She is definitely estranged from our Daughter, particularly after their two blow ups of three weekend ago (see thread of three weeks ago). Now they spoke over the phone for first time since our D went back home, and I had to gently get the phone over to my DW &#8211; D did not ask for her like she normally does. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
My DW said she felt it was strained &#8211; I got a little bit of the story about the one fight from our D (I was a second hand observer on first blow up, that happened as our D was on turn pike, not even her yet!) But I emphasized to our D that we cannot try to fix her Mom (my DW) & we have to focus on ourselves &#8211; I know intellectually at least, some of the principles. Our D is coming back for Thanksgiving &#8211; This I know has my DW concerned.
My DW may be hitting bottom so to speak. Perhaps she has acted out, who knows. I feel compassion for her & want to offer comfort &#8211; she on the other hand, is almost suggesting I should not trust her &#8211; I am concerned that if I act like nothing is wrong & I don&#8217;t care if she is open & honest with me, she&#8217;ll have even less incentive to be forthright & at least work on being honest &#8211; I don&#8217;t want to be the &#8220;enabler.&#8221;<p>A favorite action for her to cope is when we have battles is for her to withdraw & even sleep another bedroom (not the guest room anymore!) until I make up &#8211; I think I left it go three days once & she made up, otherwise it is usually I that takes the initiative to make up. Our kids for one, would I&#8217;m sure, describe her & my relationship as one where I am the pursuer & the softy.<p>Do I smother her in comfort & love or keep my distance? And let her define the mood?<p>Do I ask her about Counseling? <p>In past my questions about Cing have been thrown back to me as too controlling! The current issue with vomiting could of course have serious health implication!<p>Thanks for your feedback! -- I'm just trying to tread water here!
Peace,
HH<p>[ November 15, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

HH,<p>Sounds like with all that is going on, you might be better just to watch how things go. I know being more patient is hard but if she is close to hitting bottom, be her support for her health. The other pieces she will have to work on in time. <p>You have a lot to juggle there my friend. Can't fix it all in 1 day. <p>Take Care,
L.

Orchid,
Thanks! You know, your input & support means a lot!
HH

Big Break Through &#8211; Honeymoon Physical & Emotional Connection Felt!
When I got home last night I smothered her with affection & kindness &#8211; hugs and kisses. I don&#8217;t think she expected it & it took her a while before I think she felt worthy of accepting it! <p>This unconditional love thing I believe is very difficult for her to internalize!<p>As she was fixing dinner, my D(arling)W tells me about some of her counseling & that she told me that she opened up with him about her vomiting, which she had evidently not previously done. She also said that she reported her disappointment & bewilderment about her lying to me. I assume about the calling card thing! She said that he said these things were all about her control issues (there you go Sad_N_Lonely!) and that it can be attributed to her father! I joked a little about some stories about her Father &#8211; she knows I have raged about her father&#8217;s attitudes for years. I did not run him done though, he&#8217;s still her dad! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>As I continued to show my support, I could see the tension release & she became more open, warm & affectionate back &#8211; the evening was filled with warm, peaceful bliss!<p>She had shown this church sponsored brochure about a 12 step program about eating disorders to her counselor & she said he thought it made sense! She also spoke about showing the same brochure to her boss (and confidant to some degree) & her boss was really enthusiastic about the idea! Counselor asked her if I was pushing her into this & she said she emphasized that I have not & said she did not think I would get mad if she did not call. I laughed and said oh, you&#8217;re going to test that theory aren&#8217;t you. She laughed & it was all very light & warm. She has not made the call yet, but after discussing this with C & boss, seems she is getting real close!
Keep up your prayers!!<p>Later in the evening she spoke of her talking to a fellow co-worker about how the co-worker was dressings &#8211; (this co-worker is trying to get her WS, husband&#8217;s attention). My DW stopped short of giving me any real details other than it was provocative & a bit too far -- My DW said she did not want to go into any more detail because I&#8217;ve always kind of liked this gal -&#8211; a bit of jealous here?! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] My DW did say that she spoke about the fact that all the gals knew that I did not really like how she (my DW) dressed & that I thought she dressed too sexy & too youthful. I was still in the supportive listener mode & made no editorial comments! <p>Low & behold this morning my DW dresses in a &#8220;loose fitting,&#8221; smock kind of dress!! It did have a waiste, but was definately "loose!" I of course was very complimentary!! And she was all smiles & said that it is probably a size too big & I smile & say back, Perhaps that&#8217;s why I like it so much! She laughed back!<p>She even called me this morning on her cell phone on her way to work !! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I whine so much here that I thought it was time to share some positive news!!<p>I feel my higher power is at work here & appreciate all of your thoughts, prayers and support!! (BtDT)
Stay tuned, I&#8217;m sure there will be more on the roller coaster ride as we attempt to break through new ground in this rugged climb out of misery & to a peaceful recovery! It is a journey! One day at a time!!<p>Peace to all!
HH

Hurrian Hoosier
As a one time Bulimic, all I can say is that you need to encourage her to get help. Bulimia is an addiction that required agressive, ongoing treatment. You may do well to seek some alanon help as well. <p>Recovery from bulimia can be a LOOOOOOOONG process. It depends on how long she's had active behavior. With drug/alcohol addiction you can put it down and that's the end of the story.<p>With eating disorders it's much harder becasue it's not like you can never eat again.<p>My suggestion, SEEK HELP FAST! I was bulimic in my early 20's. The older you are the more devastating it is to the body. It's extrememly violent behavior.<p>Good luck!

HH,<p>Thanks for your positive update, I see similarities between your w and mine. My w has been at some sort of shelter that I am not allowed to know where she is at for almost three (long) weeks dealing with her bolemia. She has struggled a lot w/ self-esteem issues since she was 5, yes 5 years old and she remembers it distinctively. After we married whe was a more anorexic, no fat diet, exercising 3+ times a day. But now w/ A she has become bolemic again, says that immediately after she gets some type of emotional high off vomitting, but later depression sets in. To me it sounds like sin, pleasurable for a season kind of stuff, a bit like the A, but it was really destoying her body.<p>Its interesting too that my w started dressing sexy once the A started and that used to make her really uncomfortable mentally. Its kind of like some sort of trade off in her mind. <p>I tell you though if she keeps talking as level headed as she has since going into this program, these weeks w/ out her around will be worth will. It is torture though for me because they limit her calls and take away calling priviledges is she doesn't follow there rules, or she has the option to take the door. It has been since Sunday since hearing from her but she did ask me to change our phone #s [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] She is learning how to acknowledge her triggers and OM voice is one of them, she hasn't found out how to tell him off, still the fantasy nice, nice world. <p>I apologize for rambling in your thread but I do hope that some of this may help you understand what your w is going through. Just don't push the issue too hard. It sounds though that your recovery is further than mine, keep it up.<p>blessings and prayers,
knight

Knight,
It is a struggle, these interpersonal relationships & our own little demons we have to cope with!
It sounds like your W is lucky to be receiving the attention that she is in the facility you described!
We take one day at a time, one step at a time.
Hang in there!
Thanks for sharing!
Peace be with you,
HH

HH,
Hey, so glad to hear things are on upswing!! sounds like some progress and I hope it continues!
Yay!!
S