I just need to wait it out, and that it will get better. I am also tired of hearing everyone else talking about their spouses talking to them, even if they are fighting, they are talking. Mine says nothing. Won't respond to anything but money questions/emails. Everyone says (who ahs talked to him and talked to me) that we need to talk....but how can that happen. We have been separated for 3 months, officially for 2 and I get 2 sentence emails from him maybe 2x a week and one is always about money (the other is gimme your football picks and ok, here are what our picks are because we agreed to continue on his family's football board).<p>I just don't understand, and I HAVE to. He says he cares about me, but doesn't even ask me how I am doing when I am sick at home with tonsilitis all by myself for 3 days. He says he wants to be friends no matter what and he still likes me, it's him not me that is causing this marriage to break up. Yet he won't talk to me. And I am sending (not even too often to be overwhelming) light emails just asking about art class, his trip to Colorado, his new job search, etc....I get nothing, just money is tight since I have no job.<p>And now the holidays are coming, and he has his new little chippie to play happy family for the holidays with and I am stuck alone with no one. And I hate it. I don't even want to do holidays this year, but my parents will not let me get out of it. I want to forget they are here if I possibly can.<p>Oh I just don't know what to do. I can take care of myself, I am strong, but I miss having someone who wants to talk to me, to be with me. I miss my husband so much, and I just don't understand why he wants to cut me out completely from his life. I think if he never saw me again he would be so happy because he wouldn't have to feel any second thoughts, feelings he doesn't want to feel, etc. I jsut want to at least get some sort of focus on the problem, I don't even know what it is other than he doesn't think I am his soulmate (which I have some choice words about his new girlie because a true twin soulmate is never supposed to jeopardize your relationship and you should be able to have your twin relationship without producing a negative karma by hurting the relationships you do have...so she isn't it either).<p>It doesn't get better, really, it doesn't. I don't beleive it anymore. I think I will be sunk into this pit of dispair forever. I wish someone other than my friends a mother would want to hug me and tell me everything will be fine. But he won't...and it would be too good of luck for someone else to come along. Is it really fair that he has her to help him through whatever he is feeling and I have no one? He did wrong, he should suffer. He broke vows, lied, snuck around...he is in the wrong on the whole (sure I did things that made him go there, but he did them, I did not-- even if I wanted to I didn't). Why can't he suffer like this!?!?!?!<p>I know you guys can't help much...you've been there, you got through, someday maybe I will to, but at this point in time I am not sure how much everything is really worth. Might be best to chuck it up and run to the convent...oh wait, he's just been dumping on me too it seems. Yeah, raining from all sides.<p>Well, as we can all see I am not doing to well. Have tonsilitis, am tired, am sad and know that every single day he talks to her and probably sees her, and I go home to my cats and computer and all the memories and that's it. And Thanksgiving and Christmas are looming on the horizon, and they want me to fly for work and I don't want to to fly right now...can't conquer that fear right now, too much stuff.<p>Thanks for the pity party all.....I am schlepping home to be sick on the couch all night until I drag myself out to door for work tomorrow!!! Hope everyone else's life is going better (of course mine probably isn't all that bad, but the sick REALLY doesn't help). Sorry for writing a book!

Hi BJoanne,<p>BTW: I share your first name ... minus the "B". [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You need to talk to an MB member named "Lora". Her H was Mr. Sonewall too. They were separated for nearly 7 mos and he barely said a word to her, I'm not exaggerating either. <p>Lora normally hangs out on the "Recovery Board". Perhaps post your post there.<p>I hope this helps you, Hon.<p>Jo

Hi,
I saw your post and was going to answer, but I see Jo is mentioning me too, because your story is like mine.<p>Actually I'm envious... you got an email? My H moved out in september and I did not hear one word, his mother gave me his phone and adress, he never did. I sent cards, the plan a from a distance thing, but never called. I went to his Moms for Thanksgiving and he no showed, I thought I would die. I sent him a card after and told him to let me know if he did not want me to be there for Xmas.<p>Xmas at his Moms was the first time I saw him since sept. He was there for an hour, very uncomfortable, but I gave him his mail and he made arrangements to pick up his skiis. I again thought I would die, or kill myself. God it was hard to try and be positive while I was bleeding inside. I left there thinking it was over, I would never spend another holiday with them. In January the OW H called me... I didnt even know she was married and for the first time I had hope. I called my H and said I was afraid for him and me of what this guy would do and I heard for the first time him say he was trying to break up with her. Finally a crack in the fog, and their perfect freindship.<p>We got together to do taxes and I invited him out to dinner, talked about what I had been doing. Minimal meetings till april and he asked to come home.<p>So the moral of the story is... if you deceide you want your marriage, you do need to be patient and wait for the affair to die out, because most likely it will, and you are probably the person he will want to talk to then. I know you are going through alot, I know there are as many times that you want the marraige as times you dont right now. Its OK to have those feelings, just dont show him. Make an effort to be positive about yourself and your marraige and its future when you are with him. You can always change your mind later, but give time a chance to work its magic. Then if you deceide you want something else its ok. But I think we as BS waffle just as much as they do.How can you not. <p>You know, I think the holidays were as big a stresser on their affair as they were to me. Dont be so sure that he is having a wonderful time. I could not beleive he spared me one thought while he was happily off on "vacation " as he put it. But he kept all my cards, he asked to come home, when we got together on dates, he had things he told me he thought of me.... He cant wipe you out of his memory banks , just as you cant get rid of him. <p>You do need to work on doing stuff and keeping busy... I know, I didnt celebrate Xmas last year either, except what I had to. But try and force yourself to go out, to do stuff so you can tell him in cards or emails some things your doing. Dont ask questions, just write your news. Dont expect answers.I think it kills them to see us moving on and doing things. They want us to stay in out little waiting for them box. <p>Good luck. You can do this, just take care of yourself and try and enjoy your freedom a little. Do things you cant with him there. Because recovery is hard work too.
Lora

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BJoanne:
<strong>
I wish someone other than my friends a mother would want to hug me and tell me everything will be fine. But he won't...and it would be too good of luck for someone else to come along. Is it really fair that he has her to help him through whatever he is feeling and I have no one? He did wrong, he should suffer. He broke vows, lied, snuck around...he is in the wrong on the whole (sure I did things that made him go there, but he did them, I did not-- even if I wanted to I didn't). Why can't he suffer like this!?!?!?!</strong><hr></blockquote><p> {{{{{{{BJoanne}}}}}}}}<p>I'm so sorry you're feeling so down right now. But this is a good place to express these feelings and know that the people who read your posts really understand how you are feeling.<p>I too get very upset because I get no comfort from my WH. I'll be crying and he'll just be staring at me. Before the A, he would be holding and comforting me and telling me that everything would be alright. Now he just looks at me and gets mad because he thinks I have no right to these feelings of sadness; that only he and OW have the right to be upset about this situation. It disturbs me too to know that he goes over to see OW and gets comforted and held and validated by her when he needs it, while I have no one. I feel very alone in this, I don't even have a friend's mother to give me a hug, so I'm very appreciative of the hugs I get here.<p>Please remember that you didn't make your H have an A. It was his choice and his alone. You didn't tell him to do it and he didn't ask your opinion beforehand.

Hi, I don't mean to interupt your thread but I am very interested in what Lora said. my WH does not communicate with me either and we have 3 kids, seems he could care less what is happening, anyway I just wanted to say thanks for the hope. You see my mind is constantly playing pictures of him and the OW together, I am always thinking the worst for me and the best for him but maybe there is a chance things aren't as wonderful with him as I think they are. Something for me to think about, Thanks.<p> Love Sally

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BJoanne:
<strong>...And now the holidays are coming, and he has his new little chippie to play happy family for the holidays with and I am stuck alone with no one. And I hate it. I don't even want to do holidays this year, but my parents will not let me get out of it. I want to forget they are here if I possibly can...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>No, no, no, no, NO! You are NOT alone! AND let us please, please, please not forget the true meaning of the season--to be thankful that God gave His only begotten Son... God is with you and He sees and hears your pain and is probably longing for you to talk to HIM just as much as you long to talk to your WS??!!! I betcha! Don't rule out the Lord now, He's just a prayer away! I dare you to ask Him to help you get through this. Maybe you could even DARE HIM to help you get through this, as I think he has a sense of humor and would find it an excellent challenge! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't know what you believe, but I think the true meaning of Christmas gets lost in our preocupation with meaningless rituals and all this merry, jolly, partying and food and decorations, etc. OH and don't forget about all those "token" gifts to buy!! ALL very expensive and not the real focus.<p>Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas trees and the wonderful smells associated with the holidays, but what's really important? We have our lives. We can walk without help. We can express ourselves at every whim.<p>I have a son with cerebral palsy. Thank God he is not completely trapped inside his body and completely unable to communicate his desires, but he has his set of difficulties to deal with. I can't imagine what it must be like to be living inside of a body where you have no control of the body, but your intellect is intact... There are a lot of kids like this whom I have met. I feel sad but at the same time I feel blessed whenever I meet them... I can tell you I for one, will be counting my blessings this holiday season.<p>My son is going to have surgery next Tuesday to stretch out the tendons in his legs to help him walk better. I hate to see him go through (another) surgery, but it is for his own good... *sigh*<p>Too bad we can't have a big MB potluck or something? At least you wouldn't have to explain your mood to anyone! People could just come and sit there and feel however they wanted to feel and not talk if they didn't want to and nobody would have any expectations of them nor be in their faces asking "WHAT'S THE MATTER? IS EVERYTHING OKAAAAAAAY?" [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>BJoanne, you'll get through this! The Good Lord will make sure that you do!!!!!!!! Hang in there, woman!<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Oh, BJ, I'm so sorry for how you are feeling. I'd like to respond to a few of your comments one at a time, if I could.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Mine says nothing. Won't respond to anything but money questions/emails. </strong><hr></blockquote>
Mine doesn't talk to me, either! It's been 6 months, and he doesn't talk/call/write (doesn't have e-mail), so you're not alone in this. IF I want to talk to him, I HAVE TO call him, and I don't believe he's happy to hear from me, just makes me look like a pest, so I don't do it.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>We have been separated for 3 months, officially for 2 and I get 2 sentence emails from him maybe 2x a week and one is always about money<hr></blockquote>
As I said above....at least there is something you are communicating about! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He says he cares about me, <hr></blockquote>
More than I get, more than lots of us here....count this as a blessing! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> the holidays are coming, and he has his new little chippie to play happy family for the holidays with and I am stuck alone with no one. <hr></blockquote>
As others have said, Don't believe it will be all "fun and partying." After all, this is a new experience for HIM, too! If he's going to go to HER family, will they "approve" of the relationship? If he takes her to his family, how are THEY going to treat her? See? It's got to be going through his head that this is all too stressful, too. If I thought you had "no one" I would feel very bad for you, but apparently, you DO have family, so go there! And try to be as "normal" as possible....this will be YOUR best revenge! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I miss having someone who wants to talk to me, to be with me. I miss my husband so much, and I just don't understand why he wants to cut me out completely from his life. I think if he never saw me again he would be so happy because he wouldn't have to feel any second thoughts, feelings he doesn't want to feel, <hr></blockquote>
This is the point! He would be "happy" (or thinks he would!) if he didn't have to talk to you, or feel anything for you, but he does! And that is what is going to be his undoing....he CAN'T escape those feelings. Just let him stew in that. It's going to take time. You have been told this, but it's TRUE. Of COURSE you miss having someone to talk to, etc. That is natural! WE didn't ask for this! In my case, I didn't even see it coming! Came home from work one day, and he was GONE! NO warning, NO indication of OW until this day, etc. So I DIDN'T KNOW we were "so bad" together.....that was hard. But you have to continue to make time for yourself, and learn to enjoy yourself, and your time with yourself, doing things that YOU enjoy. WHY SHOULDN'T YOU enjoy yourself? If you believe he is enjoying himself, then GO and enjoy yourself too! Even if you have to "fake it." It'll make him think. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I think I will be sunk into this pit of dispair forever. I wish someone other than my friends a mother would want to hug me and tell me everything will be fine.<hr></blockquote>
I think these two sentences are the ones that hit me the hardest. The first sentence, about the "pit of despair" - hit me first. Orchid sometimes posts the 5 stages of grieving, and I believe despair is the 4th stage. I KNOW when I hit it.....WOW. I was SOOOOOOOOOO down. I just sat for an entire week and CRIED. Couldn't make myself stop! It was about 2 or 3 months after he left. Yup, same time frame. I believe this is why you feel this way now. Hun, I WILL pass. Really! Then acceptance will set in, and you'll feel better. Not happy, but BETTER about where you are, and able to face whatever the future holds.
The second point about these 2 sentences was the fact that no one wants to "hold or hug" you. I am feeling this way this week. I believe the holidays has something to do with it. Also, I am a Christian, and I believe there is a spiritual battle going on, and this is the enemy, trying to get me to focus on ME and begin to look elsewhere for my love and comfort, and GIVE UP on my H! I am not ready to do that yet, but those feelings of wanting a hug, or "human contact" are so strong right now, stronger than at any time in the last 6 months. This is why I believe there is light coming soon for me. Maybe for you,too? Keep believing!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> He did wrong, he should suffer. He broke vows, lied, snuck around...he is in the wrong <hr></blockquote> OK, I understand these feelings. From what everyone here tells me? HE IS FEELING it!! I sincerely hope they are right!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[b] <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am not doing to well. Have tonsilitis, am tired, am sad and know that every single day he talks to her and probably sees her, and I go home to my cats and computer and all the memories and that's it. [/QB]<hr></blockquote>
Don't dwell on these thoughts. It will only pull you down and make you feel worse. Just be comforted knowing that he probably doesn't feel all THAT good every day just because he sees here and talks to her.....he is probably filled with guilt a lot, and questions if he is doing the right thing....but pushes those thoughts OUT of his head right away. WS's who have answered honestly herre have said, too, that they often wondered what their BS's were doing, but couldn't push that out of their heads! <p>BJ, bottom line? WE are here for you. We have all been through various levels of what you are going through. Please stay close to the boards, and post as often as you need to and WE WILL hold each other up through this! Thanks, Lora, for letting us know that we CAN hope through it, if we just hang in there.....

Oooh, lots of fun to reply to today [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . Just to let everyone know I am getting over my tonsilitis slowly, but surely, and that is helping to improve my mood a bit. So much to reply....<p>Thanks so much for all of your words. First off, I think I am going to send a card just to remind him that I am here and love him. Sure I'll pepper it with all the things I am doing without him too, but it has been a long time since he has heard that, and I know that he is trying to forget me because he still feels guilty and has feelings for me (at least he used to, right before he moved out he said that it was so hard to "love two people at the same time and know you can only have one"...so I figure, let's keep it up being hard then and remind him that I am still here and still love him and want our marriage to work.<p>BINthereDUNthat- I do talk to God everyday and ask him for guidance and assistance everyday. So far there has been nothing, but me, with either too much faith or a glutton for punishment keeps talking and letting him know what is up and what I need his help, I can't do this without him. I think he has a good sense of humor too, which is good because I have screamed at him and challenged him alot. Although sometimes I feel that because I haven't and probably never will be Pious Patty he won't be listening, but I can't live in a world where the creator could be so narrowminded and cruel, so I can't believe that... And as for Christmas, to me it is about spending it with the people you love and makign time for them and showing you care (both to those you know and those you don't). It's hard when one of the people you love the most doesn't want you around him, that is why the holidays will be hard. And I hope your son does well with his surgery, I am sure he will [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Lupolady- I should change that. He "SAID" he cared about me...in September. After he moved out he hasn't said anything of the sort, actually, he hasn't really said anything but chit chat or moneytalk. Oh yeah, and he shouldn't be attending her family's Christmas. Her father is a close friend of my family's and while he will still see his daughter because of the grand-daughters, my mom assures me he is NOT welcoming this relationship and he knows if he does he jeopardizes his relationship with my parents. That may change, but as of now, he really really doesn't approve (he had a smililar situation with HER mother). And as for his family, I don't think he will even consider brigning her around. He knows they don't approve even if they don't tlak about it. Or they could do what they always do and sweep everything under the carpet and ignore it and just forget I ever existed. Most of his family I don't speak to anymore, they are hypocrites...don't beleive in divorce, abhor adultery, but hey, only speak out about it if the person isn't in their family. That's not a value, that's a judgement of "I am better than you" if you don't hold your own kin to it as well.<p>OK, gotta go get some work done. Thanks all for you words! It's 9am and I am tired already, I thought the tonsils had stopped, but I guess not! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I have a few questions for BJoanne and Lora. Are you both officially in Plan B? I am in Plan B and am wondering if I should send my H a card to let him know that I miss him and still love him. I haven't called him since I gave him Plan B letter a few weeks ago. He has called twice (stupid reasons) and I kept calls very short and impersonal. We have had no contact for a couple of weeks. We have no kids and really no business matters. I don't want him to forget me. <p>Lora, it sounds like your cards helped- maybe I should take that route. I don't know- I so want to contact him. I think he is trying to distance himself from OW, but I may be wrong. <p>I am so afraid that H may want to come back, but is too afraid of what others think. I don't want this to be his reason for not giving us another try. Lora, how did your H come back. Did others know of the A? How did he face them again? <p> He told me when we separated that he loves me and never stopped loving me. So, why we are not together I will never understand. I think the guilt was eating him alive. <p>I hate being in Plan B- but I know that I have done all that is possible. If I hadn't gone into Plan B when I did, I would have had little respect for myself. <p>I guess I am rambling- but I am just so confused. Lora- you give me hope. It is nice to hear of a happy ending, especially in a situation where there is little contact between spouses. <p>Thanks!<p>AS

sorry Lora- I just re-read your post and you did mention that you Plan A'd from a distance.

Advice Seeker...I am Plan Aing as much as I am allowed by my WH. So no, I am not in Plan B. I still feel he needs a little reminding that I love him and why he may love me. I really can't help you much on if you should send a letter during Plan B, but isn't there something about returning to Plan A if your Love Bank has had a recharge? Or if your H has shown a little waffle (calling for silly things might be a waffle). Might be an idea of look into a limited Plan A, but you'll have to ask some more expert people on this...I am am still fairly a newbie and ahven't done all my reading yet.<p>Start a new topic and see what hits you get! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Just wanted to share with you what I've been doing and why. I, like you, am confused at times as to which road to take? Should I Plan A from afar? Should I Plan B? Since my H left on October 1 (no one knew that we separated or that he had an apartment until very recently and even that group is one neighbour and a few family members), my emotions varied daily. I wanted him back SO much and in my own way, asked him WHY, WHY...anytime I got the chance. I guess I just wasn't letting go. It's pretty hard to do that when he acts as if everything is normal. Well, I became fed up with that too. I became angry, yelled at him, cried and cried and cried!!! Finally, I decided that I needed some time away from him. I developed a schedule so that he could still see my D but just not see me. Mind you, it's a three week no-contact schedule but my objective is to preserve whatever dignity I may have. I want my life back but realize that won't happen overnight or as quickly as I may need it to...essentially, I have to learn to let go.<p>I definitely intend to return to full Plan A but for now, I need to teach myself not to hang on his every word. <p>This journey is not easy. I will pray for you.

Thanks BJoanne & Terrified,<p>I truly do not know what to do. My friends and family think that I should NOT contact him. They feel that I have made my position clear (that I love him and want us to work, but that as long as he continues to work with OW, and thus has contact with her, we cannot be together) and that it is now upto him to contact me. Sometimes I feel that this is what I need to do, but at other times I just want to reach out to him and let him know that we can do it- we can make it work. <p>This is such an awful time for me. I am very confused and often wonder if he is hurting as bad as I am. If so, then why doesn't he swallow his pride and come back to me. <p>Thanks for listening,<p>AS