I have been struggling with my emotions all day. Went to work today and the substitute across the hall was the OSS squadron commander's wife. She and I had worked together for a number of years. She came up and asked how I was doing, and we talked about how busy the base was and how everyone was pulling together. Then she put her hand on my arm and asked how I was doing. I told her ok--my eyes welled with tears and I said " YOu know about H. She said yes and that she had run into them a number of times at the BX and at the gym. I don't know why that hurt so bad. I knew he had her out there. It just hurts to know that he doesn't care at all.<p>There is no reason for her to be here---why would he do that. Why would he take her around my kids? Why does he show no shame?<p>Last night I went through pictures up stairs. We have had a wonderful, full, life. Pictures of the kids, doing stuff with them, his testimonies in articles about how supportive and loving we were. THe dinners, promotion parties, surprise birthday parties, the ski trips, first flights, last flights--I was always there for him. I feel like my life has been taken from me. I feel like I have been socked in the stomach.<p>I have listened to his drivel for the last 8 months on how horrible our relationship was. It was horrible during his affairs. It was horrible when he had been drinking. It was horrible when his temper went out of control. But there was tons of good times too. I HATE this. I just can't move on.....I am stuck. I feel miserable. This was to be our time. We could fix the house up, travel, send kids to college...it's gone. I feel like I am going to lose it. How long do I have to be strong. <p>I just want what we had worked so hard for. I want my life back....I want my husband back.

(((((((((MnM))))))))<p>
I am so sorry for your pain, I know exactly how you are feeling. I have the same problem as soon as somebody says how are you I can't hold back the tears. Please hold on we will get through this together and help each other out. I know how difficult all the pain and emotions are I am living it every day. I recieved letter from WH lawyer and I have to go see my Lawyer tomorrow night, I also found out he was with the OW yesterday when he should have been with his kids.<p>I was also going through old pictures last night, I know the feeling of having your life just ripped away. We had such a wonderful life together most of the time the last 5 years have been horrible, but he claims the whole 18 years was a nightmare and he has no guilt or remorse, just wishes he would have left sooner. <p>
When you start to really feel down start thinking about the bad times, and how he has not changed and how messed up they are and concentrate on you and your kids, You don't want him back the way he is.<p>MnM you have to stay strong and you will, so do I we have kids that need us. Don't keep thinking about what could have been, there is always hope, just try and let go for now and move on and things will get better they have to. I wish there was something more I could say, please we all are here to support you and help each other, you replied to me the other night and helped me out.<p>
Please know that I am here to vent to if you need, I don't have much advice, I am feeling the same but we MUST stay strong.<p>
Love Sally

Thanks Sally,<p>I really do appreciate your support. It has just been a long week--H. taking my son for the first time, bill collectors calling, canceling my cable because of lack of payment, calling H to talk about bills and listening to his bimbo talk on their answering machine. <p>Today it started out with that squadron commander's wife, then I was interviewed by the school staff on where I would like to go on vacation with my H. then out on bus duty flew a B2 right over head--and kids going "Mrs. W...is that your H" Oh I could go on and on. It was just one of those days. I haven't been sleeping well either, which tends to make me even more emotional. <p>I am sorry I sound so depressed all the time. I will get myself together soon, I hope. Best wishes, Sally. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. I am going to get some sleep...talk some more tomorrow. Thanks again!

Oh Misery, I feel for you. My story is almost the same. My WH took his OW to places my FIL would frequent and has meet him when I thought WH and I were in recovery. That hurt so much, such disrespect for his family and not to mention putting FIL in awkard position.<p>I also had plans to spend time with the one I loved after a good life of raising two wonderful children. It was finally time for Us. None of this should have happened, but it did.<p>I still have glimmers of hope that his fog will lift even with all the let downs I have had over the last four years. Sad Sally is right when she says start thinking of the bad things he did to you and it is true, I don't want the man he has become back! Is the man I fell in love with even still there? When I think about it I wonder who the heck is this stranger?

(((Misery)))<p>RR

Hi MnM,
I'm so sorry that you are feeling down today. I do know that it's hard for you. Even when people are genuinely concerned about us and ask how we are doing it's just so hard to hide the emotions.
I know I've told you this before but I'm going to tell you again I'm really proud of you and I think that you are a very strong woman. Although this is the most difficult time of your life try to reflect on the positive things. First you've made it this far, you still have your kids and they love and respect you. They may love their father but do you think they have respect for him? You have an education and a job. There are alot of women out there who have neither. You have friends in your life who really care about you. You have people here at MB who care abut you and we are here for you. I know that I have no advice to offer right now but hope that knowing you are thought about and prayed for comforts you in some way.
Hugs and prayers,
C

Thanks Cybil,<p>Today is another day. Last night H took Kyle again after school. He called my friend who called me to make the arrangements. He picked Kaitie and Kyle up and took them for their allergy shots, then he picked up Kyle's things for Cub Scouts(they raced the boat he painted a few nights ago.) When we painted the boat--I couldn't find any instructions for putting the rudder or keel on. Told my H that in an email last Thursday. Anyway, they raced the boats. My friend said that H. pretty much spent time there by himself. She said he didn't talk to anyone except Kyle. <p>Today, my oldest daughter had a horse show she helped put on at the high school. Kyle was supposed to work there--Meg had seen them before they left for KC yesterday and told H to bring K back by 11. He did.<p>I got there shortly after 11, and H couldn't even look or talk to me. He walked clear down to the other end of the arena. After about an hour I walked over to him and asked "How did the boat show go?" He replied in a cold voice "It wasn't very good." I asked why and he said "Well Patty, you can't win by gluing a rudder and tail on at the last minute." He said it in such an ugly voice. What he meant was that I screwed up his boat. I couldn't believe it. I said well I heard that Kyle won one race and tied the second. With that he walked away. He stayed away from me the rest of the afternoon. <p>At 2:30, he took off without saying goodbye to anyone. He dropped Kyle's stuff off at the house and called me on the cell phone--which was in the house. He said "I left Kyle's stuff on the patio, had to go..bye, then he came back on and said you were all busy...tell Kyle I had to go..adios(in a mean voice).<p>I tried to be civil and pleasant to him today. He was cold and detached. He couldn't look at me when he talked to me. He acted like he didn't know me. <p>I don't understand. I have been with him for 25 years. I haven't had an affair. I am not living with someone. I have only loved and supported him. Why is he mean and cold. Why can he be friendly to the kids, and awful to me. He has hurt them just as bad as me. They say awful things about him....why does he blame me?<p>I know this goes with the territory...but why do they do it? Can he not face me? Or does he just wish I didn't exist anymore?<p>I feel so empty inside. All these months of trying to figure this out---there is no point is there? Obviously, he can't even stand to be anywhere near me. How sad.