Hello All,<p>I still lurk but hardly ever post. So sad to see so many new members subjected to the tragedy of infidelity, but can't think of a better place to find support online.<p>Something I've been pondering. As I watch my daughters "blossom", in just a few years, I realize that I will have to talk to them about dating, relationships, etc. I doubt that I will ever tell them what happened between H and I, but my experience will likely affect how I advise them.<p>Of course, like all of us, they will have to go out and make their own mistakes, but maybe, just maybe, there are a few things that they may listen to [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My question is, having gone through what you have gone through and knowing what you now know, what advise would you give your child(ren)regarding relationships/marriage, etc?<p>I can start with one (I have daughters so I refer to HE/HIS/HIM (boyfriends/husbands)):<p>Look at his relationship with the significant female family members(mother, grandmother, sisters, etc) If you feel uncomfortable with the state of those relationships, try to understand why before making a long-term commitment.<p>Anyone else with ideas?<p>Enlightened

Enlightened,<p>I think that for a person to form healthy relationships, he/she must have a solid belief in his self-worth. Unless a person values himself, respects himself, and has confidence in his ability to handle life on his own, relationships may form based on reasons other than mutual respect.<p>So how do we prepare our children? Teach them first that they have value. Teach them and show them about unconditional love. Teach them to respect other people. Help them prepare to
support themselves with skills that they develop as they mature. Teach them how to recognize these traits in others.<p>Then, we can send them off to live their lives with the emotional strength and confidence to form healthy relationships.<p>This is an important topic. Thanks for the thread.<p>Estes

Oh my gosh,, I could write a book on this! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] And having two young adult children, they can assure you, I am not reluctant to voice strong opinions on this subject. <p>Estes is correct. Starting with developng a strong sense of self from baby on. To instill in my child the knowledge that they are special, loved and worthy of being loved, and to freely return that love to that "special" person they have chosen to be the ONE. <p>I stress to my kids the importance of total honesty in their relationships, of communication and shared interests.<p>When their children arrive, I want them to share the responsibilties and rewards. (Not to mention, the trials [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) But to remember that theyas a couple came first. They can not neglect their relationship for parenthood.<p>And most of all,,to remember those vows "for better or worse, for rich or poor, in sickness and in health,forsaking all others til death do us part."

Hi E,<p>Good subject since this has been on the back of my mind also. My parents always gave scenarios and discussed ahead of time how to react to different situations. While they could not cover all situations, I do recall my mother telling me to make sure whoever I chose to marry that I really knew who they were. Well, my H was very good at hiding his family's disfunctions. They looked ok on the outside (polite and all) but hidden not far below the surface was major cobwebs in all of them..... <p>To my child I would say: Pick wisely and carefully. See how they (the G or B) treats their family and friends. See how they interact with their family. See their values and how they treat you. Too much attention is not good. Too little attention is not good either. Look for the balance. <p>Find someone who is comfortable with themselves. Easy and comfortable to see their own good and bad sides. Someone with character and loyalty. Deep respect for God and has values. Don't look for a perfect person.....you won't find one. But look for one that will help you enhance yourself and in turn you can enhance theirs. Look for someone who is looking out for your interests also." <p>Does this guarantee a good mate for my child? No, but it certainly a step in the right direction. <p>L.

Self Asteem, I feel that children should grow up with self worth so that they can make proper decsions as adults to do whats best for them. I grew up from a divorced family and my mom did her best to raise me alone, but I grew up with issues and no self esteem which contributed to my downfall of my marriage. I feel kids should grow uo learning how to love themselves and respect themselves so they in turn to form healthy relationships. <p>
Love Sally

Thanks to each of you for your responses!<p>As Estes mentioned (much more eloquently than I could have [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ), I agree that instilling self-worth is a major factor. I also think, perhaps, a portion of the balance that Orchid mentions comes from instilling the need to respect others as well as oneself.<p>Also, understanding (more now than ever) that not everyone values/respects the institution of marriage,I would encourage my children to REALLY understand and respect the institution of marriage before taking the plunge. So many fall prey to (outside or inside) "pressure" to marry by a certain age or after acquiring x,y or z only to select the one most "willing" or "available" as opposed to most "suitable".<p>Hope others will contribute. This is quite interesting.<p>Enlightened

Nerly, forgot to mention the honesty thing...<p>My kids have the "displeasure" of hearing my very STRONG opinion on honesty. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] My oldest can tell you, "Mommy sees stars when we don't tell the truth!" [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Enlightened

Well, considering my past, I always stressed to my oldest the value of virginity. <p>I stressed that once it is given away, we can never get it back... It's GONE FOREVER and God didn't mean it to be that way, so cheap and so devalued. I explained how it is the most precious gift anyone could give their spouses so it is important to find someone who embraces his same values.<p>Well, he's 19 now and so far, he has taken my advice so I'm REALLY happy about that. He knows there is no rush and I also believe there is a much less chance of affairs occurring when people don't take sex lightly as youngsters.<p>(Plus, his sex education in school was mostly looking at pictures of the most horrible cases of STDs! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] That helped a lot too! LOL!)

enlightened<p>Ditto Estes.<p>I have often thought "how do you instill self-worth, self-esteem?" I used to think that that ment "winning the tenis match", getting the "best grades", "Having the.......", "
being the prettest" etc. I now realize that self-esteem comes for doing "self-esteemable" things, doing what is right and honorable.<p> Being allowed to fail and figure out the solution to your own problem with out being rescued, is another road to having confidence in ones self. I've read that when we interfer in the lessons that our children are given to learn, we delay their ability to grow up. We are less fearful when we can learn that we CAN navigate through life.<p>Great thread, it makes us think.

BTDT, thanks for reminding me of the whole sex aspect because I believe that certainly does have an impact on relationships. Knowing the difference between having sex and making love is key, IMHO.<p>Times have certainly changed since I was coming up. There was peer pressure then, but now there is so much other pressure from media, etc. as well as more deadly risks.<p>Congratulations on raising a 19-yr old virgin... I'm sure that nowadays that is no easy task.

Gottruth, you said:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Being allowed to fail and figure out the solution to your own problem with out being rescued, is another road to having confidence in ones self. I've read that when we interfer in the lessons that our children are given to learn, we delay their ability to grow up. We are less fearful when we can learn that we CAN navigate through life.<hr></blockquote><p>Great point...Problem-Solving Skills, right? It's tough as a parent to watch your child suffer a consequence but hopefully it drives the lesson home.<p>Enlightened