25 yrs. old
Married with one son and a daughter on the way. <p> I rebelled as a teenager and my mother can't seem to get over the things I did in my past. When I try to talk about working things out, she constantly brings up all the things I did as a teenager and young adult. If I dated someone that she didn't approve of, she would not talk to me for months at a time. Yet my sibling could make their mistakes and she was right there for them. <p> When I was dating my now husband, we got in a fight and I left the house. My mother happened to call and her and my husband talked on the phone for 3 hours about our problems and the problems I've had with my mother. My husband bought up some painful things that I had talked with him about, my childhood, sexual abuse, confusion I had. My mother hung up the phone and got my whole family to come over to my house to confront us on the things that were said. She took statements that were made out of context and told my dad that I said he sexually abused me, which he did not. At the end of the meeting, my husband apologized for overstepping his boundries and everyone in the room exept my mother, said it could be worked out and they were willing to try. <p> That was a year ago and my mother still won't have anything to do with me, my son or my husband. She says as long as I am with him, We are not welcome as a family in her home. She doesn't call to see her grandson, she doesn't invite me to family events, Christmas, Thanksgiving, anything. When she runs into mutual friends, she tells them that my husband is abusive and my life is a wreck. She paints a picture that is completely false because she feels she is right and will not try to work things out with my husband or myself. Please tell me how I can deal with this situation. When I try to talk to my mom, she ignores me or politely brushes me off. Any suggestions for a sad and confused daughter?<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: callalilly25 ]</p>

Hmmmm... Well, obviously your marriage was strong enough to survive this near disaster.<p>I think that is the most important thing.<p>Your mom sounds like a very cruel person to disown her grandchildren. That's sad and HER loss.<p>I'm sorry for all the gossip and mistreatment you are going through.<p>I heard something really good on Oprah a couple of weeks ago. Dr.Phil was talking to a grown person who felt abandoned, well they actually WERE abandoned by their mom and Dr.Phil told them that it is time for them to start giving themselves what they are not getting from their mom.<p>For you, that would be--approval of yourself, forgiveness for your past mistakes and be proud of the wife and mom that you are today.<p>After all, God never uses our past to determine our future. If your mom has chosen to miss out on seeing her grandchildren, then it's a sad loss for HER. Start your own family traditions and by all means, do not allow your mom's poisonous treatment of you to taint your love for your kids.<p>Forgive your mom and let God restore whatever needs restoring between you. In the meantime, she has hurt you enough. Time to move forward. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Callalilly 25,
So sorry to hear of your heartache.
Sounds like your mom is way abusive. Sounds like you need to let her go and its a toxic relationship. Sounds like she has made a decision not to have you in her life and wants you to give up hubby. This is control. <p>You married your husband. People are to leave their father and mother and cleave unto their husbands. Sounds like your husband has got it together. <p>Your mother decided not to have anything to do with her grandkids. That's a sad choice, but its hers. Don't let her decisions control you. Obviously she doesn't love you very much. What does she have to offer you? Sounds like more stress.<p>Know what? Sounds like if your mother did have relationship with your kids, it would be detrimental anyway. She would poison your kids against your husband. You don't need that.
We often so desire what we can least have. You want a better relationship with your mom. That's understandable, but it doesn't sound like she is capable of giving you that. Let it go. Develop a relationship with another older woman.<p>When I lived in Wyoming, 1500 miles away from my parents, I developed a friendship with this older woman, she became like my second mom. Both my parents are deceased. I still call this lady and email her occassionally. She had moved away first and then we moved back to the midwest too. I went to see her a few years ago. She is still special to me. MOral of the story, get what you need from someone else, someone who is healthy and will build you up, not break you down.
Its hard to let go.
Mikkey

callalilly25,
couldn't help but notice your post, due to your name...we must think alike or at least, like the same flower!!<p>You're in a very sad situation. Really, all you can do is periodically keep trying to re-establish a relationship with your mom. Write her a short note or send a card once in awhile. Enclose a photo of your child(ren). Don't even try to address any of the issues between you in the notes or cards; just write a few lines about what you've been doing, what the kids are up to, etc. It would take a really hard-hearted person not to come around after awhile of this kind of treatment.<p>But, even if she never does come around...you will feel better about yourself knowing that you've always tried. Many of us gave our parents a rough time as teens and young adults, but if we're lucky, they don't hold it against us forever!!<p>Best of luck to you.<p>Calla30

As the daughter of a similar mother I will repeat to you the best advise I ever received.<p>Live well, love long, let go.<p>If that is the kind of person she is, then it's better that she's not in your family's life. There will always be the dream mom/granny that lives in your head. Create family where it can be found. [with your h's family, friends, even a good babysitter, aunt can play granny to son kids.] My aunt is my new mom. In addition I have learned to mother myself.