After about two weeks into recovery (d-day 10/28/2001), my W was going to a conference for a week. I just found out that she was planning to spend the week with the OM. I caught her in her lying and made her upset. Where do I go from here? HELP PLEASE

Well, I called my w while she was with om and told her to get home and tend to her family. Made her very angry and she came back and filed d papers. Now we are on that fast track. Maybe I should have more patient, Hind sight is always best. good luck

burns1471,
Sit and wait ... you just did an LB. You have to keep doing plan A. Next time those information you use it for yourself to measure how good your plan A or when W is ready to do POJA, you know W trick and let W answer how to assure you.<p>Did your SAA book arrive yet & have you read it ?. Read HNHN also ... you might find it at the library.

ditto redhat<p>There is NOTHING a BS can do to separate the affairees. They have to decide this own their own. The affair will very likely end - to hasten it's end, do not interfere with it.<p>This is the hardest thing to accept for BSs, in my opinion - it certainly was hard for me to accept.<p>Think of your WS as an addict. You cannot reason with her, you cannot make her see her self destructive behavior. You have no choice but to Plan A to change the things you DO have control over - yourself. Plan A is designed to change YOU to remove the excuses the WS had for starting the affair - at least the reasons you contributed.<p>WAT

Dear burns,<p>That sounds so painful. I can't even imagine.<p>I have a different perspective than the other posters. I will explain myself, and you can judge what is best for you.<p>You wrote:<p>"I caught her in her lying and made her upset."<p>You did not make her upset. She is upset with herself, and choosing to direct her anger at you. You have every right to be upset if she lies to you and goes behind your back to spend a week with another man. And you have every right to bring this up. In fact, I believe you MUST do so.<p>The trick is in how you bring it up. Since you didn't describe your conversation, I have no idea what you said. Here are two extremes:<p>ONE WRONG WAY: "I just found out you lied to me again you stupid slut! What do you think you are! Do you imagine you can get away with this forever! I'm not going to stand for your lies. I can't believe you want to be with that idiot!"<p>(You might feel this way, but making judgments about your wife, labelling her and abusing her with words will just make things worse).<p>ONE RIGHT WAY: "I found out that you intend to spend next week with the other man. I feel so deeply hurt, so rejected, and so confused. When I talk to you, I don't know what is true and what is not anymore. There are so many things about you that I love and admire, but I lose some of my respect for you each time you lie to me, and that hurts deeply too. And I will lose all respect for myself if I accept this situation, and act as if it doesn't matter. It does matter to me, and I love you too much to share you with another man."<p>(Talk about yourself and be open and vulnerable and honest).<p>Hiding your information and allowing the affair to continue just enables your wife to abuse you, and leaves you feeling terrible.<p>But don't establish your boundaries by immediately making an irrevocable demand. If this continues, you will probably need to separate from her very soon (the famous plan B). But you need to be certain of that step before you try it.<p>And remember, that ultimate weapon, separation, is not just to protect your dwindling love for your wife (as so many here believe). It is also designed to protect your respect for yourself, and to protect your wife from digging herself so deep in lies and manipulation that she can never recover her own self-respect.<p>I don't know what you said to your wife, but I think that you should be proud you said something.<p>I wish you well,<p>StillTrying

Hi, <p>I agree with StillTrying, one of the things to realize is that no matter what you do it willprobably be considered an LB. Doesn't matter. It just is. Know this and move forward. It will teach you to be more cautious on how you choose to words and actions. It will reduce your LB's, but you will make them anyway. <p>RE: An LB is the WS interpretation to your action. Some of what we say and do are intentional and others are not. <p>You will learn to get real good at this skill and reduce the amount of times she can get justifiably angry with you. This could make her angier. Get this? That's ok if you don't. Fogese (as we like to describe their A language) is full of babble.
"I love you but not in love with you"
"I want to be your friend not your mate"
"We always had a bad marriage but I we had good times"..........<p>Read up on plan A. Sounds like that is where you are right now. Get ahold of your temper. This is a venting place here at MB. We will help you through this part. Vent here as much as possible instead of at your W. It will drive her nuts but that's ok. Why? Because she needs to see that she is doing this, she needs to see that she is the reason for her actions not you. It takes them a while but they do figure it out. <p>Take Care,
L.

I've asked my W to come home, but she said she can't. She said that she is scared to face me. I'm so worried about her, she is in a bad emotional state right now and she is with the OM. I don't think I can get through this.

I've asked my W to come home, but she said she can't. She said that she is scared to face me.
<p>Why scared ? did she explain more ?.<p>[b]I'm so worried about her, she is in a bad emotional state right now and she is with the OM. I don't think I can get through this.[/qb]<p>Hang on ... you are at the lowest point of your roller'coaster ride ... I am more worry about you !!!. Nothing you could do, same thing when you are swing down at your seat in roller'coaster the gravity is in control. Just sit and hang on, it will pass. All you know she is using this excuse to spend the weekend. She is a women who made her choice. Take ADD if you need it, get busy and take your mind away from her.

She called my later to tell me that she is going to a hotel tonight and coming home tomorrow. I'm so relieved. Something in the back of my mind tell me she might be lying, but we see tomorrow. Thanks everyone for you advice and words. What do I do from here?<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: burns1471 ]</p>

What do I do from here?<p>Make it safe environment for her to come home ... no LB ... plan A'ing like no tomorrow<p>As benefit of the doubt, are you sure she is lying ?.

burns<p>I am so sorry for the pain you are in at this time. You will get through it. My WH went to Atlanta with the OW and I was crazy while he was gone.<p>Keep up the plan A. No LB. She is in the fog and I feel she will come home. Make it safe for her.<p>You have great advise here. Try to follow some and stay strong. come here to vent.<p>We are with you and thinking of you.<p>
SLH

Just an update. My W just called. She is on her way home.

When she gets home, do NOT drill her for any information. Remember -> Plan A Plan A Plan A!!!<p>Tell her how much you missed her and how happy you are that she is back. Then drop it. Move on to something else.<p>What could the two of you do together tonight or tomorrow? Go out to dinner at a favourite restaurant? Watch movies? Take a walk in a park? I suggest that you come up with some ideas to present to her when she returns.... ooohhh!! a good one would be to ask her if she would like you to draw her a nice warm bubble bath! Just a thought! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Good luck.... and stay away from those nasty LB's! (I know, WAY easier said than done).<p>Karen

I know exactly how you feel/felt. <p>My H spent one weekend with me (our 1st anniversary) and the next weekend with OW for his birthday. It's the worst hell I could have been in. But I didn't ring him, I didn't send him text messages, nothing. I just let him contact me. And he did. I even managed to say to him, while he was away with her, "Hope you have a nice time". (Surprised myself there!) And then he said to me, "I'm glad you love me enough to still wish me a good time". Through gritted teeth, I managed a few more words and hung up the phone w/out any LB involved. <p>Be strong and patient and make your home a safe and happy place to come to. Plan A your bum off and do whatever you can to make yourself a better person. I know it feels horrible sometimes, but you *can* do this. See my previous posts about how well Plan A-ing is working for me. <p>I'm so sorry for your pain. Hang in there and keep posting/reading!<p>venusenvy

Burns,
Your W made quit a little trip from being mad at you (for Busting her! I think she has some nerve to get mad at you for a terrible thing she is doing to you?!), to staying the weekend, to one night, to coming home now! WoW!
I agree that you have to do your best to impress her & win her attention back as a wife, friend and lover. At the same time I,m voting with Orchid & stilltrying -- If nothing else bit for your own self respect (and, ultimately hers for you!) it is important you let her know your feelings & that you're going to try real hard to examine what you can do to improve relationship, but that you know that you cannot share her with another guy! I think it is important to try hard to not get upset & keep your composure & be confident, but it's important in my opinion you are firm about the fact that you do not aprove of her seeing OM!
Harley's I believe believes it is impossible to begin working on the mariage if one of the people continues to see OM -- If you are not going to work (WS's seem to want to resisit this idea initially?) on the marriage, this must mean you have to decide things like if you're staying together or seperating while you dicide or has it deteriated enough that a decision can be made now to desolve the relationship.
Now it is not quite as black & white & it is easy when we're not on the firing line. But if somekind of serious descussion similar to these do not occur & I afraid you are not adressing proper issues -- Otherwise it may be like there an elephant inthe room & no one is talking about it. ??
This may seem too much to face at this exact moment, but I think you have to at least consider addressing the problem head on. Diplomatic, non-judgemental fashion, but I believe you need to discuss it!
Dobson' book is another good reference, could be extremely important in fact --
Best of Luck!
HH

update #2. My W just told her mother about the A. This is a BIG step. does the mean the A is ending? This whole weekend is just getting zany.<p>[ November 17, 2001: Message edited by: burns1471 ]</p>

burns<p>This is a good sign. How did mom take it.<p>I really hope the A is dying. Keep up the good Plan A. You are on the right track.<p>stay in touch<p>
SLH

burns<p>What is going on now? Let us know!!<p>
SLH

She is home now. Her mother took it OK I guess. She was upset, but didn't get angry. My W is very confused and upset with herself right now. She told me that she can't help herself from talking to him. Since he is a drinker and her father was an alcoholic, she feel sorry for him and thinks she is trying to help him. One thing she found out at the OM apt was a story he had written about this A. The basic gist of the story was the OM was just trying to see if he could get my W away from me. He has no plans to continue seeing her and he doesn't love her even though he keeps staying he does. My W has agreed to allow me to check her cell phone and email. I just want to delete all messages from the OM for a while, but sometime she will need to do it herself.<p>This sound very different that other A I've read about in the forum and in Surviving An Affair. How do I mend a marriage when my W is such an emotional wreck?<p>[ November 18, 2001: Message edited by: burns1471 ]</p>