I guess I've been thinking about this one for some time now. Maybe this is my way of venting. I haven't posted in a long time just been reading, plus I have 4 kids and I'm in college full time, so my days are full. It will be 5 months on Nov. 17th that I finally got my WH to tell me about his A. I actually knew way before then, and I immediately started doing my own version of plan A on April 1st of this year. This must be what it is like to be in hell. A constant mind boggling attempt to gain some sort of sanity through all this mess and then coming to the conclusion that it was just a big fat joke. You ain't ever going to be sane again. Nor are you going to feel anywhere near the ok point. I know I'm venting but geez... you'd think that there would be some sort of progress in my marriage right? Inside thats not how I feel amymore. I'm so damn tired of feeling like this all the time. After 14 years together and this is what I'm going to remember our relationship from? I don't have all my answeres yet, and part of me doesn't want to know, but then there's the other part that says, well if he led about this and that, what makes me think he's telling me the truth now? Why is he being so nice now for??? It actually feels like salt in an open wound. I look at him and I think damn it!! I still love him!! What is wrong with me? How can I still love someone who has hurt me so deeply?? I still miss his scent, his touch the way he kisses me, the way we make love. He lets me touch him now, and the man has not gone a night or day without having me if you get the idea. I don't hold back with him anymore. He lets me see everything he does, phone bills, he calls me and lets me know whre he is all that stuff. He constantly tells me how much he loves me and how sorry he is for making the choices he has made that have hurt me so bad. I'm supposed to be happy about all this right? ON the outside I am ok sometimes but for the most part, I'm losing the battle inside. I guess when I think about it, My thought is that I've finally come to the point where I fully realize that my foundation of my marriage, of who he is, and who I thought he was, and who I am, and who I thought I was. Sometimes I want to say to him, can you please take my pain away for one day? Can I at least have one day this year where it never crosses my mind about what happened? Paytonrose

PArt two of my saga story. I was refering to realizing that my foundation is gone, wiped away, and it sure wasn't what I thought it was. I didn't feel this strongly before when I first found out. MAybe it was just the shock of it all. I don't know really where to go from here or really what to do now. I still see my counselor every 3 weeks which is good, but a part of me is lost inside. LIke I'm going through the motions to some degree, alll the while waiting and waiting. My Wh does not want a divorce from me, and he flatly refuses to file himself. He has said again and again that he wants to work it out with me, but going back to Steve HArley is not in his deck of cards right now. And I needed that in order for me to try and recover. So, I guess a part of me has totally given up hope that this will get resolved together. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill, or maybe I shouldn't complain, I don't know. Paytonrose

Payton,
5 months. Your pain is still new and fresh. Still raw. I KNOW it seems like a lifetime to you. Like you have been in agony forever. But it IS only 5 months. It takes that nasty word TIME. Time PLUS alot of work!! <p>This first year is the hardest by far. I know it's difficult to see further down the road right now but there IS a light at the end. Hang in there. Continue to work together, to talk, to comfort each other and cling together! Keep your goals in sight and work everyday toward that goal. <p>You ARE going to have days where you wonder if you made the right decision to rebuild. You ARE going to have days when it just seems easier to throw in the towel and give up. Completely normal. Imagine your life without him. I mean, REALLY put yourself in that frame of mind. Is that going to erase your pain regarding the past? Your pain will STILL be there but without the hope for a better future with him. <p>Hang in there PaytonRose. It WILL get better. Promise.