As if things in our lives couldn't get any weirder. <p>H came round last night. We chatted. I told him, honestly and calmly how I was feeling. He listened, didn't say much. At one point I asked, "do you feel any remorse or regret for what you've done?" He said, "I feel absolutely nothing. I have no emotions these days. At all."<p>I didn't freak out. I just listened to him and said I was sorry he was going through that. I then told him that no matter what, I was there for him. If he needs a shoulder to cry on, a meal, a cup of tea, or just a friendly face, I'm here. At the end of it, we had been talking about other things and laughing like we do. When he left, we hugged and kissed and smiled at each other. Off he went. <p>10 minutes later, my phone rings. H says, "Hi darling. Remember how you said if I ever needed anything you would be there for me? I need you now. I just ruined the car."<p>It's about midnight at this point - I grab my coat, call a taxi and off I go. When I get there, he is an emotional wasteland. One minute he was laughing. The next he was cursing. Running the gammut of not knowing how to handle this. Police came, gave him a breath test and then the tow truck showed up. Turns out they needed a different type of truck, so they said they would be back in a half an hour. So we waited. <p>He was still numb at this point. Not quite believing what had just happened. Then he looked at me and said "what the hell is happening to me?" So I said to him, "You see our car over there? That's you. You're driving in the dark, very fast, not having any idea where you're going and now you've crashed into the bushes and trees. You thought you had control and you spun out. This is it. This is the moment where it all comes down to you. You simply cannot go on like you have been anymore, honey. You HAVE to face up to what you're doing to yourself. DEAL with it and stop running away."<p>So he looks at me and says, "No one listens to me!". "No one is listening because you're not talking" I said. He hung his head down and said, "Why won't you let me go?" My heart sank, but I stayed strong. I said, "Do you really want me out of your life?" He got a bit frustrated and shouted, "I don't know WHAT I want!" So I said, "Then don't ask that question of me. I think the question you should be asking is why YOU won't let ME go". <p>The tow truck showed up then. Got the car onto and then I asked him where we should be dropped off, his place or mine. He asked if he could spend the night with me. I said of course. <p>Back at my flat he collapsed on the bed and tried really hard to cry. No tears would come. He just kept saying over and over, "why don't I have any emotion? Why can't I feel anything?". I held him and stroked his hair and listened. We went to bed and he asked if I would hold him, which I did. Long story short, we had sex, which was very nice. Afterward, instead of rolling over and going to sleep, he held me. All night he held me. We didn't sleep much. He kept asking me if I was awake and wanting to talk, but didn't say much. Just kept saying "why am I destroying my life?" and "I can't believe this is happening". We just held each other.<p>This morning, it was more hugs and more thank-you's from him. Not sure what to do now. I guess just hang in there being supportive. <p>But what you do you all think? Am I being a doormat? Should I not have had sex with him?<p>Advice please, and thank you!

Enjoy the sex [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] and fill in his EN as he allows you too until you are ready with plan B. You are doing great by being there, no LB, even have a chance to fill in his EN. He knows that he could come home "safe". Let him make the decision, just be patience. It is normal behavior cause by internal guilt & struggle. Try to open the discussion about "what if H come back", an assurance of better future w/ you, but don't push it hard.

V,<p>Damn, if it doesn&#8217;t rain !!!! I&#8217;m sorry for him about the car, at least he&#8217;s still alive. And I&#8217;m sorry for you that the crash wasn't enough to knock some sense into his head [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] he&#8217;s still in the fog but the crash might be a catalyst. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> He said, "I feel absolutely nothing. I have no emotions these days. At all." <hr></blockquote><p>I think this is normal. The WS is operating outside their comfort zone. They put themselves in a conflict with what they KNOW is right and wrong and try to justify their behaviour with fallacious argument. You know the type &#8216;I&#8217;m having an affair because you treated me badly&#8217;. That&#8217;s a push for anybody and that&#8217;s affecting his emotional level. He loves you but it would be easier to hate you &#8211; and this struggle maintains his confusion. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> At the end of it, we had been talking about other things and laughing like we do. When he left, we hugged and kissed and smiled at each other. Off he went. <hr></blockquote><p>That&#8217;s good but just shows how confused he really is.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> "what the hell is happening to me?" <hr></blockquote><p>He&#8217;s definitely loosing it..<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> "You simply cannot go on like you have been anymore, honey. You HAVE to face up to what you're doing to yourself. DEAL with it and stop running away."<hr></blockquote><p>These are LB&#8217;s &#8211; you maybe 100% right with what you said but he won&#8217;t hear it that way. What he&#8217;ll hear is you making a judgement of his behaviour. He won&#8217;t like being told he&#8217;s running away, he&#8217;ll think that you&#8217;re treating him as a child so I expect he&#8217;ll react like one.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> So he looks at me and says, "No one listens to me!". <hr></blockquote><p>There it is..he reacted to your judgement<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> "No one is listening because you're not talking" I said. He hung his head down and said, "Why won't you let me go?" <hr></blockquote>"<p>It&#8217;s so much easier for the WS if the BS says, I&#8217;m leaving you. It&#8217;s so much harder for them if the BS says &#8216;I love you, that&#8217;s why I&#8217;m still here&#8217;. It forces them to look at their own behaviour and they don't like to do that.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Back at my flat he collapsed on the bed and tried really hard to cry. No tears would come. He just kept saying over and over, "why don't I have any emotion? Why can't I feel anything?". <hr></blockquote><p>He&#8217;s emotionally draining himself, fast. This might be a good sign but it depends on how needy you become. Being needy will be an LB for him. Nobody can carry on this way for long - if he's drained he'll have to change something in his life soon.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Just kept saying "why am I destroying my life?" and "I can't believe this is happening". We just held each other. This morning, it was more hugs and more thank-you's from him. Not sure what to do now. I guess just hang in there being supportive.<hr></blockquote><p>Absolutely - this is where you need Plan A. It sounds to me that his needs are going to be for support and reassurances. Just keep providing them &#8211; you have to keep giving and put your taker to the side. Don&#8217;t expect anything in return. You can call him &#8211; to ask him how he is &#8211; drop him an email - anything goes but just let him know that you&#8217;re there for him. No judgements. Don&#8217;t try to fix anything. Just be resolute in your love for him. If you can laugh and joke and be light hearted - even better. This'll create an attraction to you - something like a magnet and will keep remiding him of how easy and comfortable it is being with you.<p>Don&#8217;t worry about the sex &#8211; if you enjoyed it at least you got something out of it [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And finally, I know this is a long post, I really think he&#8217;s on the edge &#8211; if the OW LBs now she&#8217;s finished !!!! I just hope for you and him she does [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>One thought that's going through my mind is, what needs do you think the OW is satisfying? and what needs do you think he was missing from your relationship? I was thoughtful over the line that after sex HE normally turns away. I'm wondering what is prompting him to do this??? This isn't a good sign...<p>take good care of yourself,<p>- Freddy<p>PS. If you posted at 5:09am in what part of the world do you live?<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

Hi V,<p>I think you did fine. Now it is an admitted thing that he is confused. This can be helpful to him seeking help. You explained it well. As usual there will be some resistance now and later. Know this and be prepared. Just the fact that he knew to call you and especially ask for your help the way he did was good. Good thing that OW was not around or hurt. <p>You scored big points in his Love Bank last night. Keep it up. However, be aware that with his emotional swings, he can still easily go the other way. So be prepared for more ups and downs. I think you are getting the hang of this. Hope this is the start of recovery which is a bumpy but progressive road. <p>Take Care,
L.

You handled everything so well - you amaze me! <p>My H said he felt no emotion as well - it was very troublesome for him - he said he just felt "nothing". (This was a couple of months after DDay and ending of the A). He was going through withdrawal as well. I think it is a normal phase, it is not easy, but I think normal.<p>You were there for him -without pressure and with all the love you could muster! (and more...tee hee). Hang in there.

Wow, what a day!!!<p>Right after I posted that, he came back here. He sorted out all the insurance stuff from my place and we just sat and talked. Mostly about the crash and going over what happened before and to cause it. Turns out he was angry and driving very fast, lost control and crashed. Asked him why he was angry and he said he was angry at himself. I didn't ask why; didn't want to push him. <p>We went out to lunch and had a great time together. We laughed, talked and had a few drinks. Then he turned to me and thanked me for being there for him. Said he enjoyed cuddling with me and having sex with me. He said I was the first person he thought to call after the crash because he wanted someone there who loved him. (That was ME! WOO HOO!). He also said that I should disregard his comment about "why won't you let me go" because he wasn't thinking straight last night. He said he didn't mean it. <p>We just got back to my place and he's taken a taxi home. I said to him (with gritted teeth) "so I suppose you won't be able to go to her house this weekend?" He said, "Not unless I walk there, which I'm not. She's asked me if I want her to come down here and I said no. I just want to sleep tonight and spend the weekend chilling out. Be by myself". I did a little happy dance in my head after hearing this. Big hugs again before he left. Big kisses. A lot of "thank you's" from him. He said to me, "I really did enjoy last night and today. You really are good to me." I told him I would call him tomorrow to see how he's doing and he said he would like that. Also told him to ring me if he needed anything and he said, "of course I will". <p>After I shut the door I burst into tears. Felt like I finally may have got through to him. In some small way, he now knows I'm a good person. I don't feel like the "enemy" anymore. I think I did it. I Plan A'd my [censored] off all day and I'm very proud of myself for that. <p>I am still staying on my guard, though. I will certainly prepare for the roller coaster to drop down a notch, because it does have a tendency to do that. <p>Freddy - you asked what needs the OW is fulfilling and I honestly don't know. I can't see that she does him any good because I simply don't like her and can't imagine what she says to him. I can probably harbour a safe guess that she is saying everything he wants to hear and trying her damnest to be everything he needs. She's a manipulative little cow - she found him when he was hurting and unhappy and she latched on. Nuff said, really. <p>BTW - I'm in the UK, hence the time! <p>Thanks for the feedback - feeling on top of the world right now. But quietly preparing for it to be ripped away. Things change every day. But I haven't felt like I've made this much progress since DDay. As one of my H friend's pointed out to me today - the crash may very well be the wake-up call he needed. Now maybe he'll start dealing with things. God willing. <p>Cheers!
venusenvy

Hi Venusenvy just wanted to say hi as ive just read that you are in the UK as well.
Sorry to hear your H crashed his car, my H did that also back in January.
That was kinda my fault though as he was off to spend the night with OW (her birthday).
I had blown up at him before he left, after he had gone i felt awful and rang to say sorry.
he was looking at phone when he crashed, i felt real bad about that.
Sorry you have to be here as well but it does help.
Liz

V,<p>Here's some big hugs for you <p><<<<< venusenvy >>>>><p>You deserve them all. Girl, you are doing us all proud. Keep at it - don't stop your Plan Aing - I have to laugh when you say - 'my bum off' [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Ok, all sounds promising. Give him his time - he's crashed the car, doesn't want to see the OW and WANTS time to think. Don't be needy, don't get clingy, be cool and give him some space. If he needs (and I think he will) YOU, be there. NO judgements, don't try to fix anything - if he talks LISTEN.<p>Sleep tite, V - I figured you were in the UK - where abouts are you based? And LIZZLE, where are you?<p>take care [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ,<p>- Freddy<p>PS. Just about to put my head on the pillow - it's been a tough week and I'm sooooooooo tired [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

V,<p>You are doing great. Keep up the hard work. When he talks try not to let it hurt so bad. Remember it is the fog talking. I would say to myself that my WH was just talking out his a$$. This did me not take everything he said to personal. <p>I feel he will come around. Keep Plan Aing and see what time brings.<p>
YOU GO GIRL!!<p>Enjoy the sex after all he is your husband.<p>
SLH

Aw, I'm feeling all special! Thanks everyone!!!!<p>Was tempted to send him a txt message tonight just to say I love him and hope he's okay. Didn't do it, as I figured he needed his head space. I can give that to him. I reckon OW is not, so I'll let her dig the grave and lie in it. <p>Will ring him tomorrow, late afternoon and keep it short but sweet. Bit scared that he won't react as nicely as he has done since last night, but will wait and see. <p>I think the car crash was a big blow to him. We bought that car together and we both love it very much. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. He's alive so I'm happy. <p>Freddy - I live in Beautiful Bristol - Originally from San Diego, tho! Over the years I've managed to pick up all the British words, hence me saying things like "bloody" and "bum". I always find myself reverting back to American words when I talk to my friends and family in the States, and it takes me a few minutes to translate it in my head. A sure sign I've been integrated into British Society. :)<p>Happiness and love to you all!
venusenvy

Hi Venusenvy just had to post back again when i saw you live in Bristol, small world im just a few miles away in Chipping Sodbury.
Liz<p>[ November 17, 2001: Message edited by: lizzle ]</p>