After the initial shock of finding out subsided I found that I had become emotionally dependent on my h.I had always thought of myself as being independent. I had my own job, my own friends and we often, for various reasons, took separate holidays. I had no idea that my h had a separate life with another woman. I thought he had never shown any interest in other women and I believed that if and when he did find someone else then he would tell me and he would leave me and live with her. I trusted his integrity. So when eventually found out that he had kept a secret for many years I was deeply distressed.I found to my surprise that I became almost child-like in my need for his affection. It is not a pleasant feeling.I read in a book that when trust is gone only dependency remains. I really dont understand why this should be so.Has any body any ideas ?

I understand completely what you are going through!! My S and I have been together since high school, and I am almost 40. We've shared everything I can think of, from proms to several career changes, highs and lows. <p>Now I find out there's been someone else for several years, and although there were clues, I just didn't realize. To compound matters, I'm told there's nothing going on. S never has, never will, do anything like that. There is no trust, and healing can't take place without honesty. I also thought that if my S ever found someone else S would have the decency to tell me, we could settle everything and move on. I guess not everyone thinks as we do.<p>I'm torn because part of me is so disappointed and angry that S doesn't trust/love me enough to tell me, and part of me wants so badly to believe there really is nothing despite all the red flags. My mind tells me one thing, and my heart another.<p>I think you and I need to focus on ourselves. What do we like to do? What makes us happy? We're so stuck in couple mode and are mourning our best friends. But only one person in our relationships was actually present, trusting, and caring, and it wasn't our S's. <p>Hang in there, and take it one day at a time. We'll get through this.

I have been racking my brain to figure out how I feel about trust issue? I do feel for some odd reason that my trust has been betrayed and now I am only depending on my H emotionally. If you knew me you wouldn't think Im a weak, sniffling put up with this type of stuff. I am percieved alot as a "dont put up w/much of anything" I used to be very strong and independant before I met my h 10 years ago. I was only 19 then but I had my whole life figured out and nothing was going to stop me or intimidate me. Now I can't even decide what is my favorite color.

Dear sadl Thankyou for the reply. I am further down the track than you are so here is my experience for what it is worth.
You are saying now is the time to focus on self and to try not to rely on an other person
I thought I had that in balance within the frame work of the marriage and I was reasonably happy the way things were. I thought that I could lead a separate life if need be I used to joke that the only thing I couldnt cope with was a blown fuse.
In the meantime my h wwas having his cake and eating it, completely without my knowledge and to a certain extent I was trying to have my cake and eat it in a different way.There is an article entitled Cakeman by Roger A Rhoades at www.gloryb.com this article describes my hs attitude to the a .You will find it in the articles section.
In my case, and I think this is fairly common, the deceit was discovered eventually .There is usually something that will gives it away. Once there is a suspicion then the clues come pouring in. My h was staying with ow as a stopover on his way to another venue. This to me ,since she was an old friend of the family ,was acceptable. It did cross my mind a couple of times that they had plenty of opportunity but I trusted him and there was no way other than actually being there that I would really know. I also thought that if I were to ask him he would say" no how could you think such a thing" so a lot went unsaid. I was too busy at the time to take it on board but when he finally arranged a 3 week vacation to her country and told me I wasnt invited I finally sat up and took a lot of notice. I felt I couldnt ask him directly what was going on because I was expecting a denial. I watched every move he made and there were a thousand different clues. The crunch came when he used his amex card to pay for an expensive meal for 2 followed by a room in a hotel. At that moment I knew for sure and it was such a relief to finally know.
Having got the proof I had to make a decision about how to confront him. I was going to wait until he came home but a surge of anger caused me to phone her number. I left a message and he later phoned me back and I confronted him, he didnt even ask how I knew he just spilled the beans there and then with her listening to the conversation in the background.He had previously decided to finish the a. He was quite calm about telling me but she was distraught. At that moment I think he managed to perform a double betrayal, to me by telling the truth and to her by not telling a lie.He never really ever directly told a lie he just withheld information .
The revelation of the a has caused me great pain particularly since I have had to factor her into 30 yrs of my marriage . The positive side is that we now a much better relationship than before, I do think that this type of a has a use by date and I have worked out that putting all the time that they ever physically spent together amounted to two lots of 10 weeks the first time she ended it after that amount of time then there was a break of ten years no contact and then another period of about the same length stretched over 10 years .I did read that the average time spent by young beautiful and available people is ten weeks from beginning to end of a relationship that must be a turning point from romance to reality and it is almost the exact time span for this a at this point something had to change and it did.
In conclusion ,in my case ,I feel it is too late for me to start a new single life if I had found out a lot sooner it might have been a different story. I am experiencing an improvement on the tensions of the past, my children are self supporting and he has my undivided attention which he didnt have before .The a coincided in the first instance with the birth of a child and in the second with the deaths of two parents. He wasnt coping well with reality and judging from many accounts on this site there are many others who will make a bad situation worse by trying to escape into fairyland when the going gets tough.He agreed that she was the icing and I was the cake, really one part of his life couldnt exist without the other to support it, eating the icing without the cake can make you very sick an affair type relationship is too concentrated.It would be interesting to hear any other cakeman stories I am sure that there would be many similarities.
Good luck with whatever decision you make, at 40 you have the option to start another life but I really think that trying to repair and build on what you already have is worth a try.<p> Dear camjon
Thanks for the input it seems like this is part of the betrayal reaction process. I am trying to identify a pattern of events and symptoms which follow a betrayal. This is one that seems to happen frequently. In my case it is getting better after 10 months but it is still there and I certainly dont feel any thing like my old self. I look at photos of myself pre discovery and its like looking at another person.I think my h likes me better this way it is as if my spirit is broken and I am more easy to control--- not a pleasant thought.How long have you felt this way?
[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: H2O ]<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: H2O ]</p>

Hi, <p>Ooohhh boy, can I relate to this subject. Also you last thoughts about being independent and now needy, with a broken spirit to boot!!<p>Yep, me almost to a T! Sad but true. Now I am going to tell you that going down the path as hard as I did is not healthy. Of couse it sounds like you 3 are younger than me so there is a chance of better bouncing back!!! Of course, we can all bounce back but when there is a 'broken spirit' involved, it is much harder. <p>What does this mean? I get angry quicker, my temper is shorter, my tolerance is lower. Doesn't this all mean the same thing? Nope, not to me. I am tired more often. I push back more and when it comes back I shove it back harder. <p>Sad part is that I find myself losing patience even with my child. This is not good and I am having to work on it. What I never fully realized was how much 'others' were sucking life's juices from me. In some cases knowing and others not. Either way I was being depleted and fast. Now an OW wanted a piece of me too?!??!? Nope, wasn't going to let that happen. I am usually a nice person, now? Others are seeing a side they have never seen before, some think I'm hostile (yet they are worse), others think I am too lienient (so are they), some are unappreicative and I became needy. <p>Very very needy. One upsetting moment with H and I want out the door. I was never like that. Yet for some crazy reason that is what H wants to see. Why? Makes me look more human? Yet who is going to catch me when I fall? H doesn't seem to know how or even care. His idea of helping me is walking away or prodding me to my room. <p>Hm....... trust when will it return? I gave that challenge to my H. I told him let me know when it returns. I am still waiting. <p>L.