Terri,
You know that I've kind of mentally adopted you & your apparent crises and I am feeling some withdrawal pain of sorts having not heard from you lately! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
I know others are interested as well.
We want to hear from you!
Can you give us an update?!
Thoughts, hugs & prayers to ya! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
HH

I've been wondering about you too T...<p>I have just been 'lurking' the last couple of days---posting only a little as I have had pneumonia...<p>Hope you are well...

Hello HH & TA, I became so emotional when I saw this thread. You actually cared enough to wonder...thank-you for that gift. I will always remember that. I've missed my H's love for so long that I've grown accustomed to loneliness. <p>I continue to feel extremely sad today. I thank God that I have my career to keep my mind occupied throughout the day. It's become my "daytime" refuge. No one knows. No one asks. No one stares. <p>My H emailed me today. Although he tries to call, I don't pick up. The thought of talking to him actually pains me right now. He leaves me a voice mail re:my daughter and tells me of his plans for tonight (he's playing hockey at 9:00). I stick to the rule of emails being only about D. His emails or voice mail aren't angry today. I'm not sure whether this is a good thing or not. I guess it doesn't matter. <p>All in all, I'm fairly numb.<p>Thank-you again,HH, for this thread and your concern. You're very special.

Hey Terri,
You help me feel special as well you know. I know this lonely feeling you are having -- or is it confusion or frustration or anger -- lots to choose from & if you are like me, difficult to figure out what to do with these, huh?
Like i've probablly said before, who can say for sure, but I would think your Hubby's lack of anger is a good thing! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
You should think of something to do outside the house & you could some how let him know you are doing something as well! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] But you want to keep up your end of the no contact thing! Let him dangle, he may be getting weak! He is the one that has to make first "genuine" move for reconsilation - -IMHO! Don't fall for a hlf hearted attempt. Be [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]
Have you recieved the Dobson book? -- this might help as I have said of course.
You can do this Girl! Work it! Work it! (LOL)
Do you have a counselor or therapist to see?
Concentrating on your work is good!
Take care & please, please give us updates!
Love, HUGS & Prayers to ya,
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
HH<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hurrian Hoosier:
<strong>Terri,
You know that I've kind of mentally adopted you & your apparent crises and I am feeling some withdrawal pain of sorts having not heard from you lately! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
HH</strong><hr></blockquote><p>God, I just adore this man!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>
God, I just adore this man!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>MelodyLane,
You know that I am impressed with you as well!
I get so lost in my case, I sometimes loose track of who says what to whom, but I definately remember that you have posted to me & I have read some of your posts to others.
You have a good head! Good insights & helpful!
Keep up the good work!
Hope you are doing well!
HH

Hello HH, I'm with ML...I think you have many MB fans and deserve the adoration!<p>Yes, I have a counsellor that I see once every two weeks.<p>Just wanted to hear what you think about this one...my neighbour told me tonight that my H told him that this no-contact arrangement is for my benefit. My H says he has no problem seeing me. I just can't handle seeing him right now. Can you believe that? He just doesn't get it. My H then reminded my neighbour that no one knows so just in case he sees someone, don't say anything...One of our friends called while my H was at home with my D and talked to my H re:annual Chrismas dinner date. My H told her to talk dates with me. I only know this because our friend called later this evening after H was gone to reconfirm.<p>Yes, HH, I know...I will not focus on H's actions at all. <p>Thanks again for being there.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Terrified:
[QB<p>Yes, HH, I know...I will not focus on H's actions at all.
[/QB]<hr></blockquote><p>Terri,
I don't know that we'll ever be healed enough, anytime soon to not pay attention. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You may have to think about the positive things your Hubby has done in the past -- He seems like he could qualify as a big self-centered, non compassionate,... jerk! But we have to remember, he is in the fog & treading new and different water himself -- I've heard it said before - we see the true charactor of a person when we see what they do or how they act and react when they are under some pressure.
When you read the book, you see Dobson gives lots of examples of different senerios -- sometimes the BS ends up thinking they don't want other person back -- have to try & remain nutrual I think, & not build up too many resentments--that can be unhealthy for us -- builds or feeds our self pity, which of course is not healthy. The resentment thing is tough, believe me I know!,
Your H's comments to your neighbor sounds to me that he wants to act like the moucho guy, like John Wayne kind of guy --- can't hurt my feelings kind of attitude. Again, more BS! He wants to try and minumize public awareness because it is a focus back on his bad behavior -- Try to be patient.
I have a feeling he's going to be trying to crawl back before to long.?? Just want to be sure it is for right reason -- you and not to save public embarrassement.
Love & prayers.
HH<p>[ November 17, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

Just an update...most terrible Saturday. MIL calls really early and asks for H. I say nothing. Just ask her to call his cell phone. She hangs up and loses it. SIL has to rush over to MIL's house to get her out of a closet she's crawled into...wants to die. Doesn't understand her son, etc. etc. My H calls 5-6 times in the course of 5 minutes. I just don't want to deal with it so I let it ring. I take my D to music. Have a reasonably good morning. <p>My FIL shows up at my house and wants to know where his son is...I say nothing. My H shows up and then the sparks start flying. My H cuts me up in front of my FIL. My FIL comes to my defense. He leaves. I throw my H out because he says something about why I haven't emptied out the dishwasher...I just lose it. <p>I go to a friend's house Saturday night for a coffee. My H panics and wonders what I've told them about his whereabouts. He continues to tell me it's my fault. Fine.<p>Next day, I go to my sister's wedding shower with D. Have a really nice day. H puts up Christmas lights at the house. In the meantime, my MIL refuses to allow my FIL to put up lights at their house. After the shower, I go to have a cofee with my IL's with D. Not to talk about anything...just to talk about nothing. They're just so SAD. It's terrible to watch them. They cannot accept what their son is doing but they don't even know the truth. All they know is that he's leaving because he's not happy. <p>My H continues to say that he does not want to live a lie. I continue to be sadder after hearing him say this. <p>Oh well, thanks for listening as always.

I am so sorry for what you are going through!<p>I'm really having a change of heart in listening to your story. I wouldn't protect him from the truth. <p>How do you feel about it? If your friends call to make dates, how do you want to handle it? Maybe you need to stop being his enabler.

Hi Lex, Thanks for reading. It's good to "hear" it but you're so much softer now...where are you at?

Terri,
Thanks for the update! It sounds like things are about to get out of control with the family and all?! I am praying hard for you!
This stuff is hard enough to work out between two people & it seems your H's whole family wants to jump in -- it appears they are all very suportive of your situation, but I think this could cause your H to go balistic -- like his family has high standards they expect from him & he has/is letting them down -- this could force him to do dramtic things to protect his name in all this - Wew, you may need a mediator! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
I'm not sure what is best course of action.
Perhaps you should call an emergencey meeting with your Counselor. <p>Your H's family (perhaps more the FIL & SIL) sounds a little like my W's dad, very anxious to jump in and solve other family member's matters. They may have big impact on your H's attitude & actions -- Not the least of which would be to make up stories to protect his self image with family! I'm not expert, but it seems they're might be a family trait with some "control issues"
I would be prepared to hear all kinds of BS fly around -- try to stay above it -- try to saty on the high ground. I know it will be difficult --
One minute at time, this anxiety will pass! You just have to try hard to concentrate on thinking about your well being & your D's!
It is definately not fair that your H does not fess up to his family about the truth, then shifts blame on you -- in thinking about this, perhaps you need to call a truce & have a family meeting with in-laws where you perhaps accept some blame in not having best marital relationship, but with his Families involvement, he has to come clean with his activities --it is just not fair to you!
You need some assurance of what he tells them is accurate if you are not present -- time to tell your side -- I feel he will otherwise not be toally honest with his family. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
This is where perhaps your C can help you to stage this in best way .. best way for you!
HUGS,
HH

Thanks HH for checking in on me. Based on the weekend's events, I'm pretty sad about things. He's really so sure he wants out and I'm just so emotional about his family's reaction. Plan B didn't work for long but I'm still trying hard.
I just don't know anymore. Don't feel hopeful even though my heart is still hanging on. I'm scared that I'm in denial. I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow morning at 8:00 so we'll see how things go.<p>It's good to know that you're there. <p>Hugs to you.

Hi HH, BTW, Thanks for your prayers. I'll need them to get through...

Terri,
Hope your counseling went well. Unfortunately, I don't believe there is an automatic formula for success with this stuff. It is tuff!!
In my situation, it seemed to help when I started going to support group with emphasis on focusing on what is best for me! Perhaps just coincidence, time --?? I believe though, she feels I am getting stronger & if she did not come around some that I may actually get courage to leave or something like that -- I'm just guessing on this -- I know the Dobson book talks about this kind of balance -- perhaps another perspective is that if it is not meant to be, perhaps we do have to let go ... focusing on us is good regardless of outcome. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best kind of strategy.
His family seems to be an allie for you -- They have to know the truth eventually -- just not fair to you & your D -- not that she needs to know, but in terms of family relationships -- not sound to be built on half truths, and the like! I believe his immediate family deserves to know the truth -- He should tell, but if he does not have the courage, well ... You don't want to use this as leverage to get him back -- just need it to clear the air & to begin open & honest communication for all involved.
Prayers are with you,
HH<p>[ November 20, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

T -- whats up?<p>Sticking to Plan B?
You said something about it not going very well.
Get back on track hon. He won't respect your boundries if you don't.<p>How are you spending Thanksgiving? Does your H want to be with you? Maybe this is a good time for him to experience the holiday alone.<p>Talk to us!

Hi HH, My counselling session went well this morning. It's funny that you mention focus. My counsellor did emphasize the need to focus on ME for now. He said, "Take control. You can be in the driver's seat if you want. You just need to make some decisions and stick by them but focus on YOU, what makes you happy for now." I so agree but I'm still so unsure as to how to go about all that. I'm still trying to find my way, you know what I mean? If you have suggestions, I'd love to hear them!<p>Re:his family, they seem to be allies for now but they're still HIS family. I really need to stand up on my own, right? Right now, the A is a topic I'm not going to touch. They're fragile and so am I. Maybe sometime in the future...<p>It's all so hard, isn't it?<p>Thanks for checking in...much appreciated!<p>Hi Lex, Plan B is back in effect...got thrown off course a little because of the weekend excitement but I'm trying to jump back on the right path. Wish me luck! <p>Re:thanksgiving, I responded on your "family" thread. <p>Hugs

Terri,
You may be a little like me -- this focus on me thing is a difficult concept for me to really embrace myself -- our family coping skills coming out here -- I go to a 12 step support group. It has helped me a lot. It sounds like your H might be a little bit of a control person & if you are like me, normally that is not a problem, but every once in a while we need to talk about "ME" -- Country singer, Toby Keith ("I want to talk about Me.") ... I like talking about you, you, usually ... but once in while, I like talking about ME!, ME! -- Try it, it feels good!
Did you get the Dobson book? I highly recommend reading & studying that -- slightly different slant -- keeps focus on us & keeping our sense of self worth, which can not help but slide through all this!
Hope you have a good Thanksgiving!
Love & Prayers,
HH

Hi HH, Is your 12-step support group geared towards separated individuals? Just wondering what might be suitable. You're right about my H. He definitely likes control or to be in the driver's seat...and I definitely have a problem with self worth right now. <p>Really feel worthless...just don't know how to start feeling better. My mother says that I have to just go on because my H has. It's just so hard to acknowledge that and as my H often tells me "deal with it".<p>Hugs

Terri,
My W used to say "Get Over IT." Charming people, huh?!
This 12 step program is for spouses or family memebers of people with a conditon, are you ready, cause it sounds scary (& it is actuially!): sexual addicition or sexoholism. My program is called S-anon -- indentical to Alonon -- gamlers anoynomis. My W would also qualify for eating disorders or shopping compulsions - not official & these are not meant to be judgemental -- she has to work her program & I have to work mine, as they say! She is not officially in a program yet, but I believe she is coming out of denial about some of these issues.
The sex addiction thing might be hard to indentify as such & it definately has a stigma to it, don't you think. So, I believe some people have or know people, like their S, that might suffer from this, but perhaps don't want to put label on it as such. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
It could be a cop out actually. In a sense, it could be easier to say they had an A because of an illness, rather than immoral thing and all.
I have to run, our Daughter is here from out of town.
Try to have a Happy Thankgiving, cause you deserve it!
Love & prayers,
HH [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]