For those of you, both BS and WS who think it may not happen for you....let me share the sentiments I sent to my husband [the BS] when I finally awoke from the fog of an intense, long-term EMOTIONAL affair. <p>"I just wanted to thank you for loving me. I can honestly say that I am truly yours again..1000%. You have been so wonderfully supportive and patient with me while I was trying to find my way back. I hope never to doubt us again. My desire is to grow very, very old wrapped in your arms!"<p>I gave this to him in a card for our 20th Anniversay! [On the date of our 19th Anniversay, I was looking at apartments]<p>My husband did [and continues] to do the most ULTIMATE Plan A you have ever seen. He was once the king of disrespectful judgements....but now is more patient and kind and desirable than I ever imagined would be possible. I bought "His Needs/Her Needs" for both my husband and I, and for the man I was emotionally attached to and his wife. His wife finally read their copy and they, too, are closer than they have been in many years.<p>For those of you who are despondent...please give this program a whole hearted try. Dr. Harley's methods pulled my marriage from the brink....it took some time, but we are once again on solid ground.<p>For those in the midst of the fog....buy two copies.

c&i,<p>Thank you for sharing that. Every now and then I need to see a post like yours to keep believing there is hope, even with the oneset of divorce.<p>I've often wondered if the "fog" is just some mechanism we BS's use to keep holding out hope. Please elaborate what the fog felt like for you when you were deep in it and how it felt when it started to lift. I think it's difficult for BS's to understand what it's like having never been it.
How long was your EA? Why and how did it end? Did you or H ever file for D? Please share and educate us.

sad dad

Dear C&I, <p>I am the BS and my W is currently in the "fog" as you say.<p>I would like to know how your husband handled himself throughout this ordeal. What did he do right and where if any place did he falter?<p>What is your story? Did you immediately stop seeing the OM or did it linger as some A's do? If it did how did your H handle this?<p>I'm having a tough time keeping up with the plan A charade when I am so emotionally devestated. <p>I often cry in total despair in my wife's arms. I know she is sorry for hurting me, but I don't know if I should try to hide these feelings because they are a LB?<p>Did your H show emotions like these or not. If he did was it O.K.? or, would you just as soon not heard any of it??<p>Reading posts like yours gives me so much hope. I am glad that things worked out for you.....<p>Thanks for any comments..<p>WW4L

Sorry Sad Dad and WW4ever;<p>I really have lousey timing.....we are on the way out of town to a tennis tournament.....like in 5 minutes. <p>Here are the links to my original posts....from quite some time ago.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=003337<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=008117&p=2<p>What these posts don't tell is that my EA and I came back into contact again after 10 months of absolutely no contact. I feel like that meeting was a gift to me. It demistified the feelings I once had about my "soul mate". <p>Please do not give up your commitment to Plan A. It truly does work. I know myself....had my husband given me a hard-line ultimatum....even once, it would have been my excuse to leave. Believe in Plan A....it works.<p>I will reply to your specific questions on Sunday or Monday.

hey, wantwife4life-<p>I don't mean to hijack c&i's thread (which was great to read by the way [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) but I wanted to comment on what you wrote. I'm also a BS. D-day was 7 months ago. I don't consider our M in recovery yet based on my W's words and actions. No regrets or apologies yet but she is still here. I guess when it is foggy, it is easier to stay on the fence than to step off.<p>Don't make a mistake and think that Plan A is a charade. Why should it be? In an ideal world, wouldn't each spouse living Plan A be nice? Also, Plan A has a lot to do with changes in yourself.<p>Also, IMHO, showing your W how much you are hurting will not help the situation. She is probably looking for a safe place right now and a weepy, sad, angry, etc. H is not a safe place for her. Yes, I speak from experience. I cried a lot my first week and I'm sure now that this did not help my W cope. In fact, I found out later she sought out support from OM.<p>Just a thought. Read the material on this site. You'll also get some good advice from others that are more eloquent than myself. Try to have a good weekend.<p>HoFS

Dear C&I:<p>I am very happy for you. I have followed your story and posted to you in the past. It seems you have worked out some of the attention and time issues you had with your H.<p>I am so glad for you and you family.<p>Jack

ttt

Well, we are home, and I hope it isn't too late to reply to your questions. I really felt awful about leaving before I had time to post answers to them before.<p>First let me say that HotFenceSitter and I must think very, very much alike. First the name....I think it is SO SO appropriate. I gave the anology on this forum that my EA was like standing with one foot on either side of a deep crevice. Either way I decided to go I would lose something. Even up until a couple of months ago, I honestly didn't think I would ever be be able to choose.....but when my EA and I came back into contact after 10 months of absolutely NO contact and it was abundantly clear to me that he was never mine to choose. Nor would I now choose him if the decision were mine. <p>Sad Dad,
The deceptive thing about the fog is that you don't really realize when you come out from under it. That is the one thing about the "No contact rule" that is hard for me to accept. When you have no contact [i.e. quit at the top of your game] you never have the opportunity for a "Love Buster" between you and your EA. Personally, I had these incredibly fond memories that I ran over and over in my head EVERY day. I think I must have only remembered the really great times [My glass is ALWAYS half full!] <p>However, After almost a year of quality communication with my husband, my EA just looked like the average Joe again.....not the infallable Greek God I remembered. SadDad, I said before, and I cannot stress this enough, when I was withdrawn all I wanted was ONE EXCUSE to pack-up and leave. My husbands unrequiring love is the only thing that kept us together. <p>You might question my term [I think I just made it up]..."unrequiring". In explanation, for the first time in a very long time, he did not require anything of me! NOT ONE SINGLE THING! He finally showed me that he loved me, not for the things I could do for him....and believe me, for a while there I stone-walled him at every turn, but because we were "as-one".<p>Sad Dad, please try not to get frusturated....you are not holding out hope for nothing. <p>WantWife4Life,
You asked how my husband handled himself throughout the whole thing. He cried at first...which I absolutely loathed....but I needed to see it. Since we had grown so SO far apart I really didn't expect him to react this way. I truly expected a calm "I'll have the papers drawn-up" response. It was good for me to see it. His pain gave me a taste of what I could expect from my children and my inlaws. <p>You asked if he faltered at all on the Plan A. No actually...he did not...which is AMAZING since he had always been very free with his criticism and correction. I think he just decided what I have always know, you CAN NOT CHANGE another person. He began to accept me the way I was.<p>Wantwife4life....you said "I'm having a tough time keeping up with the plan A charade"....this statement scared me. Honestly, if I thought the Plan A my husband enacted was only a charade, I think I would be crushed. I don't think I would be able to stand it if I thought there was even a mere chance that our life would return to the status quo of before. I would probably withdraw once again....and the new hurt, compounded on the history of the old hurt would probably drive me away this time. <p>You mentioned that you cry in despair in your wife's arms. My husband did that also, in the beginning, but then he quickly showed me how happy and contented we once were together, and could be again.<p>Please take care. If you continue to cry, you may need an antidepressant. I don't think it would be wise to show this side to your wife often. She knows you care, but wants...no NEEDS a strong, dependable husband. Don't whimp out on her. Recognize the right path and just do it! [Sorry too many darn Nike commericals!].

c&i,<p>Thanks for responding. Hope you had a good weekend. Your post from Friday made me think, and I posted a couple of threads over the weekend. Please look them over when you get a chance.<p>I've been trying to be as loving as I can be. Since d-day, I have never judged my W, critisized her for her EA (possible PA), or tried to coerce her into staying in the marriage. I've tried to give her space and let her make her own decisions.
I've done the best plan A I can, few LB's. I've tried to show my changes as best I can. I've told her that I still believe in our marriage, but that I understand she feels how she feels. I've tried to be the best father I can be and my daughter and I are much closer than ever. My W has never admitted anything and filed for D on 10/27. She told me 11/3. I've yet to be served.
I worry every time I hear my office door open.<p>I'm a better and stronger person than I was a year ago. Whether she sees that or believes that is her choice. I made the changes I did for me.
I reserved my tears for times I was alone. I never let her see me being weak. I'm not giving up, but I'm ready to let her go and accept whatever happens. I can look myself in the mirror and know I did all I can. The rest is up to her.
I'll get through this and make someone very happy someday, I only hope it's her.<p>sad dad

I don't think I was ever in a fog. When my wife found out about the affair all thought of the other woman left my head immediately. I had 100% of my attention on my wife.