My W swears she is not still seeing the OM, but I cannot help but think she is by how indifferent she is acting. She just doesn't seem to care, plus she has been going out all the time to run errands that could wait. (The OM lives 3 miles away). She also calls in to check her voice mail at work ALL THE TIME. in the early a.m. and late at night sometimes. I told her very respectfully how I was feeling very paranoid. (I felt like I was looking at a statue). She said I had nothing to be paranoid about, she was not communicating with the other person in any way.<p>I then asked her if I could check her voice mail at work. She got very angry and said "NO!"...That's personal..that's my work!! and it's none of my business!!"<p>I said if you have nothing to hide why would you be worried about work stuff??<p>Am I being paranoid. How should I handle this??
WW4L

Don't know what to say. I am so new to this site I hesitate to give any advice. I understand how painful your situation is. The only thing I could recommend is taking a deep breath, and reflect on any contemplated actions for a couple of days. Please keep us posted.

Hi,
First let me say how sorry I am that you have this pain. We all on this board go thru'it and share with you.<p>I think that you have to assume that your W is lying. I believe that she is angry that you know of the A and frustrated at not being able to conduct the A as she did in the past.<p>For the moment I think that you have to treat all information from her as a lie or least heavily "edited". At least that way you won't have to try and filter what you hear and you won't get so emotionally confused. This is only a short-term temporary thing-and only my opinion-it works for me.<p>Do not confront your W or argue over the issue-do not initiate any discussion of the A or the OM-if she does, then just listen-you learn much more from listening than talking.<p>Read this website thoroughly until you understand as much as possible.Read the basic concepts and read,absorb and begin to live Plan A now!-today!<p>As soon as possible get some prescribed anti-depressants to lift your mood and help you make rational decisions. This is very important.<p>These things you can do right now!<p>I repeat-read and understand the website and the discussion board-wiser heads than mine on the board give great insight and help.<p>In my case I am implementing Plan A with some success.<p>Good luck and Best wishes
Byron

Hi,
First let me say how sorry I am that you have this pain. We all on this board go thru'it and share with you.<p>I think that you have to assume that your W is lying. I believe that she is angry that you know of the A and frustrated at not being able to conduct the A as she did in the past.<p>For the moment I think that you have to treat all information from her as a lie or least heavily "edited". At least that way you won't have to try and filter what you hear and you won't get so emotionally confused. This is only a short-term temporary thing-and only my opinion-it works for me.<p>Do not confront your W or argue over the issue-do not initiate any discussion of the A or the OM-if she does, then just listen-you learn much more from listening than talking.<p>Read this website thoroughly until you understand as much as possible.Read the basic concepts and read,absorb and begin to live Plan A now!-today!<p>As soon as possible get some prescribed anti-depressants to lift your mood and help you make rational decisions. This is very important.<p>These things you can do right now!<p>I repeat-read and understand the website and the discussion board-wiser heads than mine on the board give great insight and help.<p>In my case I am implementing Plan A with some success.<p>Good luck and Best wishes
Byron <p>
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

WW4L,<p>Sorry to say this, but I think she's probably still in contact with OM. I know because the work VM was a popular method for me back when I had an EA....same situation, calling and checking it and leaving it at EXTREME hours of the night.<p>Just a random thought here. I would imagine that the company for which she works keeps those VM messages for legal reasons (mine does). It might not be a bad idea (maybe not now, but if it progressed into DV) to either try to get a copy of her VM, or to maybe find out if they DO keep them and let that slip to her. Maybe she'd be afraid that it could be used against her in a DV, and would stop that communication line. It'd probably be a LB, but that's for you to decide.<p>I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe a session with Steve would help, even more so if you could get her to either share one with you or have her own.<p>Good luck, prayers to you.
Kev

Hi Again,<p>I have given your situation some more thought.
I agree with kev's post re keeping the VM evidence if you can get it, but it is information only at this time. If you can get it, keep what you learn strictly to yourself if you want to rebuild. Disclosure will bring more resentment,defiance and conflict-precisely what you don't need!<p>If,God forbid you need it as evidence that might be the time to use it.<p>I feel your aim at this time should be to create a comfort zone for your wife. I know it is very hard because it is the last thing you feel like doing, but until you can get on to neutral ground it is very hard to make progress. Do Plan A 'til it feels like it is killing you....then keep going. When things become intolerable get back to this site and vent like blazes!<p>Since you are still living together and you have small children and a history of shared experiences the advantage lies with YOU.<p>Very Warmest good wishes<p>Byron

RBJ2, Kevco, and Byron <p>Thanks for the input guys. Doing plan A is sometimes incredibily difficult. I felt like running out in the woods in my back yard and screaming yesterday, but I am sticking to the plan. I think she is still seeing him but I am just going to collect proof and stash it away for later or at least until I cannot take it anymore and have to move to Plan B. <p>Thanks again.<p>WW4L

WW4L,<p>Byron is absolutely correct in his clarification of my comments. Telling her that you've caught her (while it has its time and place) will only serve to push her closer to him (I of all people know THAT).<p>Maybe even a better approach would be to hire a PI to gather the evidence FOR you. Tell him/her to keep it and not give it to you until you request it. Then, DON'T request it. The more I think about that, the more I think that may be what I do. This way, you won't be affected by the reality of her contact (it hurts so badly, let me tell you), but you still have it available in the event.... Plus it allows you to put forth your ABSOLUTE BEST PLAN A, without the added burden of knowing she's just running off to OM.<p>Give this some serious thought. I know that PI, and counseling, and all can be costly, but keep one thought in your mind: At what cost, your marriage.<p>To me, I'd sell the house and spend every penny I have if it meant I could keep my wife.<p>Something to think about,
Kev