Who would have thought that this time last year I would be dreading our first wedding anniversary instead of celebrating it. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I haven't posted much lately, mostly lurking. But I still find great solace from everyone here. The last time I posted my H and I hadn't spoken for over 2 1/2 months. Things are different now. We speak approx. once a week and our conversations are good, in fact H is no longer sure he wants the divorce. The fog may be lifting.<p>However, he still doesn't know what to do about us. There are some days when he says he needs to decide and there are others when it's up to me. He has made references to our future as "we" and sent me an e-card saying he really misses me and hopes for us to be together soon. The other night while talking the the computer, we were joking about me confronting a former landlord who owes him money and "show him who's boss". He commented that I should be the boss in other situations in my life. When I asked him what he meant he just said nevermind. I didn't push it. So, i'm not sure if he meant.<p>He is still saying that he loves me but not in love with me, and isn't sure he can get it back. He does at least admit that he was when we married, which is nice to hear. We are living so far apart and have little contact so of course I understand how that romantic feeling isn't there. It is very difficult to meet EN's over the phone. I do try not to LB by not nagging, or pushing or criticisizing. I try to remain positive, although I slip now and then there haven't been any majore LB's.<p>So, right now my H is sitting on the fence and I don't know which way he'll tip. This waiting is very difficult and it isn't helping now that it is the holidays. Although they may help open H eyes a bit.<p>It is his fear that is keeping us apart right now (by his admission). Which is understandable. Neither of us wants to hurt again. But he is making some positive changes in his life. He has cut back drinking and going to bars and he has started going to church again.<p>For now, I only wish I can sleep through the day tomorrow and wake when its over. I sent H a card telling him I love him and care for him and truly wish for his happiness. I also told him that no matter what happens I will consider him a friend, something he is very concerned with. I doubt that he will even acknowledge the day, and be very surprised if he did. But i guess I have to prepare myself for it. Uughh, is it Sunday yet?<p>Kathy<p>Married 1 year
Separated 7 months
H in school 1200 miles away
Fog may be lifting???

Would be great if you could suprise him and go where he is.<p>Maybe the fog is lifting. Keep up the Plan A and I feel he will come around. I do know that it is hard. We will get through this.<p>stay strong<p>
SLH

It's your day even though H is not with you.<p>Go out and have fun. Call some friends and have a day on the town, Or maybe sit home and pamper yourself. Hot bath with candles and a good book or music. A bottle of wine. What ever you do don't sit and think of how sad things are. For one day be footloose and fancy free.<p>HAVE FUN AND HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

SLH<p>Thanks for your reply. I didn't do much today, but at least I haven't spent the day crying.<p>As expected, H forgot. I went online tonight and he was online too. Just as I im'd him, he did me as the same time. We talked for a bit then went on voice chat. After awhile I asked him if he knew what today was since there wasn't any mention of it. He thought about it for a second then realized it was the 17th. He said he got his days confused and knew it was coming up but didn't realize it was today. He sounded sorry for forgetting but never said it. Nothing more was said about it. <p>We continued to voice-chat and played online games against each other for about 3 hours. Now, i'm glad we did that. It was fun and easy-going. Once we decided to leave, he never mentioned anything about talking to each other or our anniversary. Did the fact that it was our anniv. mean nothing to him? Was it just another day that to him that didn't have any significance?<p>It's nice to spend time like that with him, and I guess I can't complain as there are many situations worse than mine. I just miss him so much and want this to be over with (the separation). Perhaps he only wants to leave things the way they are. An occassional phone call/e-mail.<p>I guess I know I shouldn't have expected anything from him, but I just thought that he might surprise me even with just a e-card. He obviously didn't get my card yet. Not sure how that will go over [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I feel like we are just teetering on the edge and one wrong move will tip us in different directions.<p>How do I prevent that?
K