I am 3 weeks post D-day and ready to pull my hair out. My WS was having an EA/PA with a 17 year old that he met at work. She was living with us while she was in treatment for meth and assualt. I was stupid enough to think that we could help this girl.
I found proof and confronted him. He admitted it and I told her to get out and he left with her. They are staying at a friends house.
For the first week, he came by and saw the kids, told me that he loved me, was so sorry for hurting me. Then they had a talk and decided to stay together, so he doesn't love me anymore.
He calls and we talk and have talked more in the past 3 weeks than we did in that past 6 months. I mean talking in telling each other about the problems in the marriage. Especially the sex life after 2 kids.
But he can't come home because "he can't give her up" or "I am the only one who cares about her". She called one night and wanted me to help her find a way out. Said that she thought everyone would be better off if she killed herself. Asked me not to tell him that she called and wanted to meet the new day and talk. Said that he had told her that he wouldn't divorce me and when I did divorce him, they would get married. Then she turned around and told him that I called her. I asked him for the house keys. He gave them to me.
He told me just this week that she is mad at me because I won't let her see my kids. Like I really care if she is mad at me and I hope that she never sees my kids again.
He said that he has told her that she can leave whenever she wants and her brother can come get her whenever. I told him that there were programs to help her, he offered to talk to her about any programs but he didn't know of any.
I am ready to pull me hair out because he get upset whenever I mention his happy new home and says "I am so glad that you think that I am happy" I got home late the other night and he knew what time I got home. But I am supposed to believe that there is too much water under the bridge to work this out, his words. He is also afraid that "if I come home and if we work this out, we will be back in the same place in 2 year"
Do I just wait this out and then try to fix our problems or run in the other direction?

Linaka,
Boy, what a mess. I feel for you.
Just for what it is worth, sounds like your H is messed up big time if he is with a 17yo girl. He is barely above the statutory rape age.
She's still a child and doesn't even know what she wants out of life. <p> He is definitely running away from responsibility besides being caught up in her "help me, nobody else loves me" mode.
Where are her parents? Other family members?
Where is his head? She has already shown you manipulation by calling you and then telling him you called her and twisting things around.<p>
I know how manipulation works because:
I have a 21 yo niece who is the most manipulative person I have ever met. Her parents are raising her now 3yo child. She had been in fostercare since the age of 15. She is now 21. She has learned to milk the system and takes advantage of everyone she meets. She is a beautiful looking girl and initially everyone loves her until her poisonous nature and manipulation oozes out. Male family members are hesitant about being left alone with her for fear of her accusing them of inappropriate advances. Her parents never abused her and she learned alot of this stuff living in a group home where kids with those manipulative personalities all lived together and shared. My niece"s abuse to family members (verbal, physical) got to the point where I told my sister when she was about 13 that the niece was no longer welcome to our house. I feared for the safety of my kids and she just wrecked things, and caused dissention where ever she went. She eventually went into foster care for assaulting her mother with a knife. She had been in counseling, psychiatrists, psychologists, for a long, long time before that.<p> Your H is asking for heartache after heartache if he continues his relationship with her. Eventually he will see the light and get tired of her manipulation. Boy, I woudldn't even want to "go there". Her immaturity will eventually drive him nuts when the fog clears. <p>First of all, his relationship with her is based on lies, its not real. They only have the lovey,dovey together, no kids, house and all the regular headaches of the real world in their fantasy.<p>You didn't say how old your kids are and you didn't mention whether you want to make the marriage work. Only you can decide if its worth it. Do you love him enough to go through a lot more heartache? It can work, but there are no guarantees.<p>Also, if she is having sex with him, the liklihood of her having sexual relationships with others is high especially in view of the drugs. Protect yourself. I would tell him to use protection also as neither one of you would want her to get pregnant and use that as more leverage. If nothing else, talk to him and try to get his head straight about that. Suggest to him that he not trust her about the birthcontrol but take matters into his own hand and wear a condom and use spermacidal jelly or whatever. Don't take chances with the issue of bc.<p>Come and vent. I would set limits with your H about her seeing the kids too. They need this protection. They will only get confused. She is only using them to cement her relationship with him as she probably doesn't know where else to turn. Seeing you get upset because of her will further cause anxiety and uncertainy for them. They don't need that.
Good luck,
Hang in there. Take care of yourself.
Mikkey

I know that she is manipulative. Her family lives in another state and they say that they have tried everything except coming here and bodily putting her in car and leaving. They say that they havent' done that because she won't stay. They blame her behavior on her mother because mom took her from them when she was 12 after they raised her from the age of 3. They also hate my H and think that he needs to let her go and send her home.
The kids are 5, 7 and 9. The nine year old is his but we married when he was a baby. His mother didn't want to marry my H. He is really confused because his mother is very religious now and he told me this morning that Dad is dating someone old enough to be his older sister and adultry is one of the ten commandants. He apologized to me for his dad's behavior and says that the mess is strange and insane and wrong. The other kids are ours and they hate the girl. They thought she was nice when she lived here but now they want to know why did she take their dad away.
I do want this marriage to work. And somedays, I think that he does too, like when he says things like "if I come home and if we work this out, will be right back here in 2 years" Or when he says that he was told her that if she wants to leave, he will take her or she can call her brother at anytime to come get her. I told that there are programs to help kids like her and he said that he didn't know any but if I did he would talk to her about them. And then the next day, he is sorry but he can't give her up.
I will do everything I can to keep her from my girls and she is mad at me because I won't let her see them. And that is fine with me. H doesn't fight me about her seeing them. H visits them at our house.
I just want this nightmare to be over.

Linaka,<p>Thanks for clarifying some of the details about the 17 year old OW.<p>A few things come to mind. One is that if she is known to be a drug user, there is no way you can let your children be around her. If your H ever wants to take the kids to be around her, you have legal grounds to not let it happen. My husband went through this with his ex-wife. She was using drugs and an alcoholic and was living with an alcoholic with a record of 10 or more DWI's. The court agreed that she could only have supervised visitation with their children. She has now cleaned up her act so he is more liberal on letting the kids see her. From what you have said, your H is not using drugs. But he would take the kids to an environment where there are drugs and a known drug user.<p>That said, does you H drink alcohol or do drugs with her? Or does she have drugs in the house when he is there? If the answer to any of these questions is "yes", then your H is guilty of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. I've mentioned this to you before. It is a very serious consideration here.<p>As for places where she can get help. They are all over the place. What state do you live in? Here is what I have learned. <p>Call (you or your H if he really wants to help her) your local children's court, a local children’s parole officer, child protective services, or crimes against children's unit at your police department. A youth parole officer may very well be the one who is most up of this as they are the ones who arrange for the court mandated residential treatment of minors. Talk to them about the situation. Ask them for the names of residential treatment facilities are for adolescent drug abusers in our state. The parole officer could help you get this going. What I found out is that Medicaid will pay 100% of long term, residential treatment of a minor from day one. In New Mexico they will cover this type of treatment for a minor until they are 19 years old. What an opportunity for her. The out of cost pocket for one of those facilities in NM is $450 a DAY. To have that covered 100% is a blessing. If your H wants to help her, this is what he would do. <p>I really believe that one of the best ways you can get her out of your hair, save your H from having charges brought against him, and help another person in need is to get her in a treatment facility. The programs can run as long as 6 months to a year. And on top of that she may actually get better. <p>Remember that she is actually a minor. Where are her parents or guardians? They could have her picked up and put in the d-home for her drug use. What is going on here that no one is looking after this kid?<p>I have to tell you that it really bothers me that the only way your H can think of “helping her” is to have a sexual relationship with her. What on earth is the man thinking? <p>I know you might say that this is none of my business. But because there is minor involved here I would be willing to go the extra mile in helping you or your husband navigate the system to help this girl get the help she needs. I offer this because I have navigated the system and gotten the necessary help (not for drug, but a similar type program) for my stepson here in NM. It was not easy, and I had a lot of people in the “system” telling me that this or that could not be done. But I was armed with a copy of the statutes that lay out the rights of a minor. He is now in a residential treatment facility in a one-year program. It looks like we do not have to pay one penny for it. Believe me $450 a day for a year would put us in a serious financial bind. If you are at all interested in my help my email is zorweb@hotmail.com. <p>As for what you should do about your H? Either Plan A him while he is out of the house, only let him have supervised visitation of the kids. Or Plan B him.. there is no way this child is filling all of his emotional needs. Right now you are still filling his needs in some ways. It is as though the two of you (you and OW) make up the one person he wants. If he were totally dependent on her for having them filled, their relationship should fall apart very quickly.<p>Bless you<p>Z