Just to summarize my situation. My D-day was 10/28. After the discovery I attempted to start a Plan A. Two weeks went by and things seems to be working out. Then it came time for my W to head to a week long conference close to where the OM lives. She lied and told me that she was staying with a friend. I found out and told her. After two days, she decided to come home. She also has told her parents and friends about the A. I'm happy she is home, but I'm starting to become depressed and upset. She told me that she was going to email the OM and explain her anger towards him for attempting to screw up our marriage. She found out his motivation what to separate us, almost like a game. She is not waiting for a response from him. I'm upset that she is continuing to communicate with him, but it seems like she needs to get some things off her chest. I'm hoping this is how the A will end. Should I try to hide my feelings about what she is doing? Is that a LB? Or should I be totally straight with her and let her know that what she is doing is upsetting me so. My main fear with letting her know my feelings is that she will start lying again about communication with him. What to do?

Maybe read up on a NO-CONTACT LETTER to the OP. Gently suggest it, but if she's comitted to the M, I see no reason why you shouldn't be honest about your feelings.....just do so carefully.<p>Kev

Hi Burns:<p>Well, this is a fairly typical stage in the process of an A and its eventual end....and 3 weeks into all this is really no time at all.
Your wife seems to be conflicted (and aren't WS conflicted?) about ending this A and this makes it real difficult for you to decide any definite direction to proceed....so...in this event the best thing to do is to do nothing...except continue with you the best Plan A you can muster under the circumstances. <p>Let her handle how she ends this business...but if in a few weeks time (while you're continuing with your Plan A) you find that she has made no progress in bring it to an end...then you may have to insist that if she wants to stay in the marriage she needs to decide what it is she wants.<p>If she decides it's you then expect her to go through a withdrawal period (and hold on to your hat because it may be bad)...but let her know this is a necessity for you to continue in the marrige. Sometime, somewhere, you have to draw a line and "no more"....it's either me or him. But if you've given her enough time to resolve it herself...then it's time to force the issue...because if you don't sometimes the WS will continue with the A for as long as there are no serious consequences (like divorce or separation).<p>It will be hard for you to see all this taking place before your nose...but it will be better in the long run if you allow her to end it herself...especially since she seems to be wanting that herself. But WS can fool you...tell you what you want to hear...and then continue the A. That's why you need to limit the amount of time you give her to resolve it...if it's looking like she continuing after some time...then it's time to take matters into your own hands....because a person can just take so much and retain his self-respect. At some point it needs to quit being about her and OM and needs to begin to be about you and your marriage and its survival.<p>Good luck...and know that although this is hard...it is managable...for a while....only you can know how long you can put up with this.<p>Faye

Burns,
I like what I've read in the replies. You know that I tend to not be too tolerant about the idea of WS hangin around & BS (you & I) not addressing it -- if not forcing a decision as such, forcing issue of no contact makes sense to me -- Obviously can't actually force another person to do something they don't want to do -- I should say, using the best human relationship skills we know, do whatever we can to get an agreement from WS that if there is any hope for recnsilation, it has to start with no contact. Otherwise, regardless of what they say, they are not in the least interested in repairing this marital dispair!
When you described the fact that your W was going to write to explain her anger about his motives, it made me wonder about her motives in doing that. When you think about it, that does not sound like a "Kiss Off, Buddy!" kind of correspondence -- we don't want to try & read too much into it, but it could be that she is hurt a little about his motives (how do we know this, bye the way?), and wants to let him know -- this is not saying she does not want to seee him anymore! In a sense, it is a way to ask for clarification -- allows him oportunity to explain & contiunue pursuing her or whatever.
I agree with what Faye said that it may be a smoke screen!
I like what Faye said about eventually drawing a line -- "self respect" -- As we've discussed before, I think if you don't express how you feel, you are becoming a co-dependent (as I understand it, but remember I need to study this myself!).
Do you know anything about the other guy, like is he married? Calling OM's S is always a choice many people at least consider -- you'll get a debate on opinion on that one! Seldom is there anything we do or try that is unamiouly aggreed upon --- not always black or white -- depends on specifics of your situation.
Her telling mom& friend? ...I think may be just to see reaction, if they would be supportive of her story -- typically, I have found WS has story about how the M was not working --they have fallen out of love -- care for us (BS), just not in love ... Blah, blah, blah -- they have some pride and a basic need to save face. They have to come up with some kind of justifiaction or rationalization, otherwise they are immoral, self-centered, scumbags! They would of course not like their friends & family to think of them in this way. They may have some guilt feelings and all this contributes to the FOG!
No doubt our Marriages were not the best, which obviuosly contributes to this kind of activity, that is where we accept some repsonsibility & why most BS's readily recognise need for marriage enrichment -- IMO, it is the WS however, that bears the most responsibility for the A -- We did not physicaclly push them into the OP's arms! It is therefore the WS responsibity to apologise & make an effort to repent, so to speak. We can't make them or force it, but we can & should I think, express our feelings about it!
Peace,
HH